Rediscovering Myself

As I listen to a song by Skylar Grey, everything I need from the Aquaman soundtrack I realize so many things.... like a revelation that was always there waiting for me... for the right time to be seen. 

I realized that what I see is not what others see about me. Why is that? They see a sexy, smart, beautiful strong independent woman. I see something different. I see a weak, disorganized woman who cant get her shit together or deal with stress. I know its an unfair comparison even when its between younger and older versions of me. I know you're not supposed to compare but its so easy to do just that. I try to remind myself that no one knows what truly goes on behind closed doors and in people's minds. 

I realized that who I am is exactly what God made me to be for the job He had in store for me which is unique to me and no one else. Which is the reason why no one should compare to each other. 

When my little girl looks up at me and says she will be big one day and be just like me and smiles... it hit home. My first thought was "why? If she only knew about my downfalls". I told my husband. He said that's because she sees a mom who is beautiful, who cares for her, who makes her laugh, who reads and plays with her, who teaches her. Someone who is smart, works and is independent. Why wouldn't she want to be all of those things? 

This revelation kept me thinking about how I portray myself as a business owner and a nurse. Perhaps the reason why I am struggling is because I am trying to be what I think people want me to be instead of just being me. Today at my day job I was covering for another nurse. As I talked to the lady and we laughed about something she said and I made a retort, she said on her way out that it was too bad I was not the new regular nurse because she knows her aunt or niece would love me because I made her laugh. That made me feel good and realize that maybe people could actually like the real me. 

It's funny how we as a society are scared to show our true selves. I realized that perhaps this is what I need to do. To stop trying to please everyone including potential clients with an image I think they want and just be me. So moving forward I am going to rediscover who that person is and bring her back for all to meet her... again... 

Fast forward a year later with a lot of soul searching, I am more comfortable with myself now. I still need to lose weight as my jeans start to feel tighter but feel mentally stronger. At the start of the year, the pandemic forced me to stay at home with the children, homeschooling them. It also forced me to look at myself and the stress that I was letting take over my life. I learned, I rediscovered and I took action to make some positive changes in my life, physically, mentally & emotionally. I learned that comparison is one of the roots of all evil. No one is like me. No one is like you. We are all unique in our own rights. The next time you have the urge to compare yourself to someone, stop yourself and ask yourself, "How does this person see me? Maybe they are comparing themselves to me and feeling horrible because they feel like they don't measure up?" Do you feel stressed out now after going through a little exercise like that? I'm thinking you probably aren't anymore and maybe even concerned now for that other person who is putting you up higher than themselves.

It's all about perspective. How you look at things. Which angle are you looking at yourself from?