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Red light, green light, 1 2 3.

Let's talk about green flags in a budding relationship.

By Jaded Savior BlogPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 11 min read
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

It feels like I can't trust someone if they do not open up right away. It feels weird if it takes a lot of time to know someone or become involved in their personal life. It is even suspicious if for weeks into months the connection is slow. It could feel like I am being ignored, neglected, or even that the person is detached if they want time alone often. Why do I feel this way?

The truth is, I have been conditioned by toxic and abusive relationships all my life. I was so used to abusive tendencies and intensity that it felt really scary and off putting to experience someone who was more "timid" and reserved".

In friendships I always desired someone who bluntly shared their traumatic stories and experiences right away. Someone who was quick to say it all, share things bluntly, and be really into hanging out immediately. "Instant friends" as I called it.

Alternatively, romantically speaking anyone who desired to pursue me with romance or kindness (in a corny way) turned me off big time. I went for the quiet boys that I had to chase and pursue. That I had to win over. That felt like it was safe because in romance I was allowed to be in charge -- if a guy was aggressively a flirter or sexual I was afraid because of prior sexual assaults I had experienced. I liked being the one to control the speed of when to become intimate.

None of what I am about to share is meant to be a stereotype or general assumption of ALL men or women. None of this should TOTALLY resonate with "everyone" because we are all unique. Especially when it comes to what we have experienced with people and how it affected us.

One thing is clear and relevant for all: the green flags of a healthy growing relationship.

Photo by Engin Binbas from Pexels

Red flags made me only see red.

I have looked back and analyzed my past relationships many times over the last few years. Each time I have seen the events with a new perspective in mind and it has helped me to heal. I have wanted to become really self-aware and understand what had happened to me but also why others behaved how they did.

I also really wanted to understand my diagnosis of PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Doctors and therapists always did the bare minimum to help me understand what was "wrong with me" when I spoke about my struggles. I wish I knew so many things ten years ago - heck fifteen years ago - that could have really saved me from so much abuse.

My own bad habit loop of course stems from the ways I was specifically abused, let down, manipulated, and abandoned by my own parents. How lovers treated me, both sexually and romantically had a direct connection to what my parents had taught me about my own worth. Also - my ability and "right" to speak up for myself or make conscious decisions about who I befriended or dated. I feel robbed of so many vital years of building relationships due to not knowing what was abuse from a healthy behavior.

My father was out of his mind, paranoid, angry, and selfish. He was a child in a man's body most days, having me make decisions for us and do the household chores including picking out groceries and cooking at his apartment. My parents were divorced but the trauma was equally horrible in each home. He would act like a friend at best, asking me for advice and sharing adult details with me about his life in general.

Charlie would also take me on his drug runs to pick up new supply very late into the night, all while I thought my dad was cool for bringing me to 7-11 or Starbucks until 11 pm on a school night. He let me dye my hair, put on makeup, and wear whatever I want. I would model what I wore or what outfits I matched up (because I loved fashion). I never KNEW it was inappropriate to do these things with your dad. I have been so deeply ashamed for years at how that played a role in my being a very sexualized teenager, dating men who wanted to use me and objectify me, as well as becoming pregnant and experiencing sexual assaults (plural). All before senior year of High School. All thanks to dad, who basically ghosted and broke up with me because he stopped calling or wanting to see me when I was 15.

No explanation. No answering of my calls or texts.

Guess what kind of men I dated for over a decade?

Men who made me cry. Men who over-shared or under-shared on purpose to toy with me. Men who would ghost me to manipulate me and laugh while I cried. Men who were unfaithful and told me the details of the accounts to watch me squirm. Men who allowed me to feel devastated when they made a promise and then never came through on it. Men who were kids in adult bodies, being emotionally needy and financially demanding on me. Men who sexualized me, objectified me, used me, abused me, and then discarded me.

My mother was probably way worse of an influence in my life because she had residential custody after their divorce, so I spent 16 years under her roof exclusively. Cathy was an alcoholic, on drugs, and wildly unpredictable. She was very OCD and strict, violent, and often did not remember after what she had done. It was a Jekyll and hyde experience every day. She judged and bullied me for every little flaw she could find in me and there never was a hug, kiss, or I love you waiting for me. There were no life talks, talks about womanhood, or what to expect as a growing girl.

I only learned how to survive because of her. How to run out of my home with the safest route and walk on my toes so I would not be heard. I still walk on my toes at 31.

Red flags were non-existing in my mind. I smoothly fell into the laps and lives of abusive people over and over again because it reminded me of home.

Photo by Kourosh Qaffari from Pexels

Green signs of a healthy relationship.

Green signs seem suspish -- Now that you have heard what I went through (and some of it may resonate within your own past experiences) you will see why I developed anxiety around healthy people.

First, let me share with you 5 GREEN SIGNS of a healthy relationship that you should look for in a budding romantic or platonic relationship.

1. HEALTHY, OPEN COMMUNICATION - Having healthy (paced) conversations about each others hobbies, likes and dislikes, and life experiences. Being honest and straightforward about how one feels and views things. No fear of saying what one is thinking or feeling to the other person. No spite or retaliation from one person to another relating to or in direct result of what the other person said. ( WHAAAAAATTT???!!)

On Communication: You and your partner can share your feelings, even when you don't agree, in a way that makes the other person feel safe, heard, and not judged. Trust: Building trust can take time and allows couples to be vulnerable with one another knowing that they can rely on the other person. - NY.GOV

2. HEALTHY SPACE AND TIME AWAY - Your partner encourages you to spend time with friends without them, and to participate in activities that you enjoy. In other words, you and the other person should each have your own friends and lives that you experience outside of being around each other. Each of you should take plenty of time to be on your own, with other people (which includes spending time with people of the same gender - not excluding of). The person you date or befriend should support this, not use it as a source of manipulation, guilt, or a reason to act out. ( OOOF).

3. SELF REFLECTIVE ABILITIES - The person is able to see their own role, actions, and involvement in a situation. They are able to acknowledge, analyze, and process what is happening - even open to talking about the situation with you. Being able to self-reflect allows them to better empathize with you and/or take responsibility when they have made a mistake or were wrong. (Knowing this ten years ago would have saved me so much heartache. Narcissistic people DO NOT do this ever unless they are lying to serve their own game in the moment.)

4. SELF SUFFICIENCY - The person is able to take care of themselves. This can be broken down into many different aspects - like physical, mental, emotional, financially, spiritually, and environmentally (with life skills). This person grasps the most basic of tools and skills to care for their own needs and does not look to others to care for their own well-being. The healthiest dynamic in any romantic or platonic relationship is between individuals who are all self-sufficient, not codependent on another. (Codependency is a sign that someone has experienced trauma, not necessarily the "sign" of an abuser - just to be clear).

5. EMPATHY- The person has empathy for animals, kids, the elderly ---> other humans. Empathy: noun; the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Empathy is an enormous concept. Renowned psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman have identified three components of empathy: Cognitive, Emotional and Compassionate...

Cognitive: Simply knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking. Sometimes called perspective-taking.

Emotional: When you feel physically along with the other person, as though their emotions were contagious.

Compassionate: With this kind of empathy we not only understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, but are spontaneously moved to help, if needed.

After reading through these, all I feel is.. shook. I think back to all the clear ways each person who hurt me did not do these simple things. I remember how many ex's manipulated me into saying sorry for things they caused. I remember how many accused me of cheating or being distant because it was what they were doing. I remember old friends shaming me for how I felt and making me feel stupid for sharing an opinion or emotion I had. I was peer pressured and manipulated by a lot of people over the years.

I also had no idea that self-sufficiency should be an expectation. I TOOK CARE of so many people. I felt like their joy, entertainment, pleasure, hunger, feelings etc. were all dependant on how I performed in the relationship. I felt responsible for every bender, mistake, and melt down each person had in our relationships.

The biggest shock I have comes from the green flag of spending time apart. The idea of spending healthy time apart without a sinking feeling that someone is doing something behind my back was a source of pain - especially in the two long-term relationships I had when I was young. Both men made me feel like space meant infidelity or that I was in a "time-out". Intensity and seeing one another constantly was not suffocating. It "meant something" to me. That I was the sun. But really, they were the sun I had to revolve around, or else I would pay for it. Whether through being cheated on, ghosted, or emotionally abused.

How does a person feel comfortable with green flags in a relationship all while thinking the other shoe is going to drop?

Photo by Cameron Casey from Pexels

Bad advice v.s. Sage advice

So what now? What do you do with the knowledge of green flags like the ones listed above?

Many people will tell you that knowledge is POWER and knowing alone with save you the mistakes of your future. But that is not enough in my opinion.

It is bad advice to assume that reading one article, words in a dictionary, or a list on an instagram infographic will be enough to make you CHANGE course in how you build relationships.

What will help you spot green flags in a potential friend, date, or long-term partner?

Here is my sage advice after years of reading, speaking about, and processing all of my abusive relationships -

You have to make a huge lifestyle change. Cut the people out of your life who are abusive, manipulative, aggressive, judgemental, belittling, crass, apathetic, and mean. You have to stop giving yourself away to these people once you know the truth. No ifs. No and's. No buts.

You have to study these things weekly if not daily if you want to really heal. (Subscribe and heart my material here and on medium for eye-opening content)

Knowing what abuse looks like, sounds like, and feels like is so important. It does not take one post, book, or podcast episode to be set. You need to commit to studying your past in order to improve your future. Identify the male and female archetypes in your life that have shown up over and over to retraumatize you. Connect the dots between how you were raised and what you frequently chose in partners and friends.

It is time to not be okay with the red flags while understanding that you could not have known better during the abusive relationships. That is the very nature of being in an abusive and/or toxic relationship. You were groomed and manipulated into not being able to see it. (See my last story about narcissistic abuse here.)

But now you can begin this journey of educating yourself and have the opportunity to blossom healthy relationships that encourage and support you.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Stay tuned for my next story about mental health by subscribing to my profile. Visit www.jadedsavior.com to learn more about my blog. Tips are always appreciated, as it helps me continue working from home as a content creator and writer. Thank you for reading!

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About the Creator

Jaded Savior Blog

Mental Health Blogger, Content Creator, and Creative Writer. I write about trauma, mental health, and identity. I love to connect with and support other Trauma survivors + Neurodivergent Creators! (@neurodivergentrising on Tiktok)

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