It’s never easy to say... I was an alcoholic. Or.... I am an alcoholic. I am not sure the correct term.
Either way, it has been nearly four years since I touched an alcoholic beverage of any kind. Nope, not just a wine with dinner, or a cheers. No.
Cold turkey. Was I chicken? No. I was done. That thing that just clicks, no not clucks, happened. I had enough. I just grew up.
No more lies, that I was done, after a crap hangover. No more, that has to be IT. And I do not mean a scary clown in the gutter with a red balloon. I mean when I self pityingly thought I could trick, even myself.
No more. I was so over it. I would be high jump champion of the universe.
I knew I had a choice. It was drinking....to the point of no return, or motherhood. Which one? I know for some that is a scoff and eye roll. But trust me, when I say that when I was drinking. Mother-ing could not feature very well. I would choose alcohol over parenting.
Anyhow, one gets the idea. I quit. I stopped drinking. 40 years old, 23 years a slave to the liquor, more recently completely incapacitated, to it. Then knowing, well, it was knowing..... it was time. I was not immortal. I did not want to die, in front of my children. Leaving behind a She was an alcoholic legacy. Leaving them, without a mother.
It is a strange, nice, weird event to wake up one day knowing it was a new leaf turned. Because no-one believes that you have. So, it does take time. I do not for one second think anyone should have believed me. Who says they do not want a drink, and keep that up. But I believed me. I knew. So people keep asking if you would like a drink. Even when one month became my fifth month one will quietly ask. Did I want a drink. No, I would quietly reply. Until, one day it became firmer, more confident. No. I don’t drink anymore.
But here is the thing. Amazing occurrences started to happen. My hair became healthier. My skin, my complexion cleared. My head was thinking clearly. My sleep was restful. After a year, the full whites of my eyes were clear. But while all these asthetic features are great, it is what happens inside.
Energy. No more hangovers. No more planning for drinking-anxiety-sadness-worries-start-again. It was raw energy. No interferences. Feeling the FEELS. Owning my wrongs. Feeling O.K. Working, working hard.
BEING A MUM WHO WAS NOT just there BUT INFACT PRESENT. To be WITH my children. And my children are the reason for my change. They love it.
While I am above ground I will BE THERE. It is not about finding perfection. It is about finding myself. Loving myself. Knowing, that I could feel a certain way and not mask it in alcohol. Which always, always made it worse, anyway. Then because of that being worse. It was a constant roller coaster of let’s get back up, what an effort, what a grind. Then wheee! Straight down into a self-induced-solo-performance piss-up from hell. Then straight through the carnival off the tracks and into a heap. Only to get back on and start up again. Going back first, through the fun-house-of-horrors that was my weekend-demise. To afraid to look. Drink again, that will take care of that.
To be out of the carnival with my so called best friend. Ie-booze. It is a field of grass and fresh air. It was my enemy, anyway. I can not drink. Chemically it does not do me any good.
The saying. One is too many and a hundred is not enough, fits me. I finally learned to stop.
I have discovered this energy and that is what the world is. All around. Moving, weaving, dancing, rippling, blowing, flowing through everything.
In myself, I have discovered the desire to use this newfound energy for good. My love for animals. My love for nature. Adopting older cats. Growing a garden, getting my hands in the dirt, planting seeds. To see them shoot through. I did that. To enjoy my children. To really be there. To watch their friends, growing, too. I am grateful. I am blessed. I feel the love. This occurrence is self-love. At 44, now I have discovered it.
I used to scoff at people eating platters of fruit. Atune with nature. Eye roll. But that is where IT is at. The balance. Yourself, in the world. Feeling those feelings. Good and bad. You can get through the bad days. YOU can. BREATH through them. I did not say breeze. : ) Breathe. Like a car with bad weather, the window wipers going the clappers, demister on. Rain falling, bumps in road. But the engine is good, so it is O.K. The mind may be racing, 101 things to do. Low on cash. But the breathing and focus is good! Focus and be mindful.
Love is all around us. We are rushed bad news, negative reporting. But, look wherever there is disaster there are people helping. Always. We feel hopeless, helpless. Encouraged to do so, sometimes! Me at five months, sober and someone who knows how hellish I get, drunk whispers. “Wanna drink?”
You are your own guide. Enable that energy to be loving energy that reaches out and grabs onto this loving movement that IS everywhere. It is in people’s nature to recover. To aide, assist, help.
Learn to help yourself and then pay it forward. Help another, give to another.
My sobriety has showed me a world where there is a lot of struggle, to overcome mine does not mean I do not have bad days. But own it. Face it. I love it. Because it is part of life. And my role is to give. Because I am capable and I have become stronger. These attributes can be used for waking up to love the day. When one is humbled and less selfish, alcoholism is selfish. And the clouds pass then you see things in the light of day, you see that people are more alike than not. Fear similar things. Failure, isolation, rejection. Want the same things. Contentment, family, a home. No one is above anyone else. Have you ever known a person who did not struggle? There, see everybody has a struggle.
Love is not just two people holding hands on a beach, in a sunset. It is a million things. Imagine if we lit up the earth graph with red lights for every loving action carried out. It would really be a red siren. But instead we graph other things. Of concern. Kept in fear. Doubt.
So, no the real love that you should search for is for YOU. That is where it starts and you feel so darn good you want to share it. A ripple effect. That continues FROM you.
Love is left out of news headlines.
But love really is the news. Gee, I wonder where that comes from?
Who came to give us the good news and to share it with us....Jesus.
Hmmm, maybe I have finally got it. Finally seen what had been delivered thousands of years ago.
Life and Light