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Recovering from Domestic Abuse

5 things I didn't expect to experience

By Rebecca ClarkPublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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Recovering from Domestic Abuse
Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash

It's been over a year since I left an abusive relationship I was in for about 15 months. It doesn't seem to be a long time to be in a relationship but it really messed with my head. A year seems like more than enough time for recovery but I am still struggling. Just like our perception of domestic abuse can be lacking, our perception of the recovery from an abusive situation can be lacking too.

He didn't hit me so I thought it was okay.

I wasn't with him very long so I thought I'd be okay.

I was wrong.

These are five things I didn't expect to experience in the last year of recovery.

1. I wanted to go back to him.

Despite seeing what my friends and family had been seeing for months, it was really hard to let go. No matter what everyone around me said about not talking to him or having any contact with him, I couldn't cut him off straight away. I still loved him for a while after I decided to leave. That wasn't my fault. It was a break up and break ups are hard. Yes, I was walking away from abuse but I was also walking away from a relationship. You can't just stop loving someone no matter what they have done to you. Give yourself time to come to terms with the relationship breakdown and feelings will fade eventually.

2. I still think about him everyday.

It is very common to experience PTSD after an abusive situation - you don't have to be a war veteran. Of course there will be an aftermath of trauma. You can't just go back to normal again. Part of that is things in your everyday life triggering memories about the relationship. It could be anything: places, people, films, food and more. I have been very paranoid since the break up, fearing that he was coming back to get me. This meant that I was scared that knocks on the door were him or follow requests on social media were fake account he was hiding behind. This is frustrating. I don't want to think about him anymore but it is my brain trying to protect me from him and the abuse he made me endure.

3. Still believing that its not real.

Even as I type this I worry that the abuse I claim to experience wasn't that bad. Maybe it was just all in my head. It could have been worse. So many people have experienced much worse. This is despite multiple people who knew me while I was with him confirming that it was abusive, three counselors/therapists telling me what I experienced was abuse, multiple members of the police force telling me he was abusive and a domestic abuse support worker insisting that it was abuse. I don't know what more that I need for the confirmation that he was abusive to out way the 'its all in your head' line that he gave me. Every time I have to correct myself because I deserve it.

4. Seeing my abuse everywhere.

Like I said, I am a very paranoid person. I worry constantly about being in another abusive relationship and about my loved ones being abused. Now I know what it is and what it is like I hunt it out everywhere. Sometimes I am right, other people have unhealthy interactions too. Sometimes I am over-sensitive and see things worse than they are. I find my loved ones relationships very hard to deal with. I am more hurt but their pain resulting from a partner than I let myself be about my own pain from abuse. Relationship struggles in the smallest way are a huge trigger for me. Even written in fiction books it upsets me. I need to be aware of that and look after myself as much as I can.

5. Your abuser still having friends.

It is hard to believe that anyone could want to be friends with an abuser. Some people won't know what he did. Some people may have heard but he's manipulative and has persuaded that it didn't actually happen. (He called me a psycho who was trying to ruin his life). Other people, mutual friends, may say that they believe you but still talk to him. This was very painful for me to see. I didn't understand how someone could say they believe me and still want to be around him. I needed to step back and realise that their friendship with him didn't mean I was a liar. Whether they believe me or not, trust me there are many people who don't, I know what happened and neither him or his friends can take that away.

Recovering from an abuse relationship is hard. You will experience things you didn't expect even beyond what I have mentioned. All you really need to remember is: it happened, you are believed and give yourself a break its damn hard.

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About the Creator

Rebecca Clark

Graduate in love with writing

If you like what I'm doing, check out my website and zine: thefreshfeminist.com

and check out my socials:

insta - @thefreshfeminist

twitter - @thefreshfem

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