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Rebuilding Confidence

Mental Health

By Shakita SlaterPublished 3 years ago 9 min read
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Rebuilding Confidence
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

I haven't written about this in awhile, but I felt this needed to be said.

There were 3 relationships that made me feel worthless, unhappy & depressed, but was too scared to tell them.

My first relationship started in High School, I was a Sophomore & I started dating this guy, everyone looked at me weird like, "Has this girl lost her damn mind? Why is she dating him? Why is he dating HER, she's not even that attractive" I didn't really care, because I kept to myself. I was still shy being around people (social anxiety, you understand) I think weeks later into the relationship, rumors started to spread around school about me. Rumors were that I slept with every guy in school, so instead of coming to me, he listened to everybody who were basically telling him lies about me & called me skank, that was just the tip of the iceberg. Later on that same day, he came to my apartment & wanted to talk, so we talked, but it wasn't the conversation that I had hoped for. He started questioning me about how many guys did I sleep with during our relationship & everytime I told him none, he would get mad because he thought I was lying. So it got physical, he slapped me numerous times & burned my arm. After he was done, he would tell me that nobody would ever love me the way he loved me. I just sat there crying in my living room, my grandma was not home at that time. After that day, I just hated myself for dealing with the abuse verbally, physically & emotionally. Yes I was still cutting myself, I was 17 years old & I had lost my mother the year prior on my 16th birthday, I was trying to heal at that point.

That was my 1st.....here comes the 2nd bad relationship (different guy)

This one, whew I really hate telling this story, because mentally & verbally the pain still hurts, but I learned to cope & get over the issue, but this was also the time that I found out that during the time of my Senior year I was pregnant.

Relationship started in my Junior year of the same High School, then it ended very badly during my senior year of again, same said High School. I dated this guy on/off for about a 1 year & a half, so anyhoo. I didn't feel comfortable dating again, but he made it so much calmer for me. We both had mutual friends, kinda hard to deal with, but we were all friends (Ahhh...simpler times) He was different, but he still treated me like I was some kind of trophy wife. I couldn't even have guys friends (well there was one guy he couldn't stand around me, because he felt threatened by him & that he was gonna steal me away from him) so anytime I would hug or talk to him, there is my boyfriend telling him to back off or he would either pick me up & kiss me in front of my guy friend (yes there was intense jealously) I felt like part of me was stupid, because he was doing college & I was doing High school, so I started staying with him & his roommates, but I hated them so much, because they would make stupid remarks about me & I didn't wanna say anything, because I didn't wanna seem like a drama queen.

I wasn't happy until I found out I was pregnant, everything took a turn for the worst. When I told him about it, he didn't believe me until I showed him papers that proved I was pregnant after my aunt took me to the OB-GYN, he still didn't believe me, because he (just like my last relationship) falsely accused me of cheating, he pretty much dumped me & left me while I was pregnant. Then I told some of my closest friends & they consoled me every day, they took care of me & basically told me to just leave him alone, because he was not good for my well being & I was 5 weeks pregnant. At a school event about 2 months afterwards (Game Night) nothing was getting better for me until I saw him & he started telling everyone that the baby wasn't his, but everyone who knew us KNEW we were conjoined at the hip, some thought that he was just picking on me because I was vulnerable, I was pregnant of FUCKING COURSE I was vulnerable. Other people thought "Yeah she looks like someone who would cheat on you ask the last guy she was with" it was embarrassing as fuck. I was screaming & yelling at him, then some people had to hold me back & send me into the other room to calm down. After that altercation, I just went home by myself, I wanted to be alone & isolate myself from everyone. I was pregnant & alone in my own apartment thinking about how I was gonna plan out my life, especially with a child coming into the world. 8/05/2009 was the day Thomas was born, baby daddy never showed & honestly I didn't want to see or talk to him. All of it went out the window the day Thomas came into the world. I had another life to care for rather than my own & I made it work to this day of 2020. I never saw my baby daddy again until maybe after a year or 2 that Thomas was born, but after that, he was nothing, but a sperm donor to me. During my pregnancy with Thomas I had lost my brother to a car accident I was stressed as hell & stayed in the hospital until my blood pressure was down & I could go home. After my pregnancy I had lost my stepbrother, to a car accident. Depression, especially Post-Partum Depression is a fucking hurricane. I even cut myself throughout late 2008-2009 (the whole year)

That was my 2nd crappy relationship & here comes my 3rd & final relationship, because this one tore my confidence apart to shreds.

This happened about 2 years ago, but we dated for 3 months. I met him through a childhood friend, so we went on a few dates, even though Thomas was like a kid (still is today), that didn't stop me from living my life. I was totally fine with dating this guy, he was super cool, he treated me respectfully, but I had let my guard down to 60% because I wasn't fully ready to open up to anyone at all, so it was okay for now. 3rd month into it, something felt off, he would always call me & scream on the phone about why I didn't call him the day before or I'm screwing some other guy etc. I was so scared to the point that I just told him I'll talk to him when he's sober & I hung up on him. Me & a few of our friends & their girlfriends went with us to a concert. He just looked so out of it like he was just tired, so I just tried to talk to him & he just blew me off, I got upset & just enjoyed the Lacuna Coil concert with my friends. After the concert, my boyfriend wanted me to ride home alone with him & our friends went home with their girlfriends. The car ride home was so awkward, until he started touching my thigh inappropriately, I never felt so uncomfortable in my life at that exact moment during that car ride home, he parked the car in front of my house & he forced himself onto me, I tried to push him off, but he was too strong for me. He started ripping my skirt off & despite the fact that I was on my period, he didn't care, he pushed himself into me really hard to the point where I'm screaming at the top of my lungs & continuously trying to get him off of me, I felt weak & powerless, there was nothing I could do. After 15-20 minutes. He got off of me, fixed my clothes & walked me to my door, he told me if I ever told anyone what happened, he would come back & do it again & again & again. I went inside my house holding back tears, my son & stepdad were asleep in their rooms. I went inside my bathroom & looked at myself in the mirror & saw what a mess I was. I was violated that night, a night that was supposed to be a fun night turned into a Shakespearean tragedy. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I hid the bruises on my body as best as I could & put on a fake smile anytime someone saw me whether I was at work teaching yoga or hanging out with friends or family, or be at home. I cried myself to sleep every night to this very day, because of the pain I've felt that night, It's hard to forget, I can't change what happened at all. A few days later, I get a call from 2 of my friends & they asked me if I was okay, I couldn't tell them what happened, because they would be out for blood, but they also told me what my boyfriend had did & I was furious & disappointed at the same time, that afternoon Thomas was home from school, my boyfriend had stopped by, but he wasn't allowed in my home. I questioned him about him cheating on me with another girl & he quickly got upset & defensive about it, because 1) He got caught & he couldn't lie to me about it & 2) he quickly slapped me across the face when I told him I was done with this relationship. I was terrified for my safety & I told him to leave & to never come back around me again. I quickly filed a restraining order on him, ever since then I felt safe from him, but him sexual abusing me & physically hurting me was too much for me to even forget. Even to this day, I am scared to go anywhere by myself or with my son, because I feel like he would have someone come after us. Even to this day, I just chose to stay single & worry about my well being & dealing with my depression, bipolar disorder, my self harm battles & my anxiety, because they have worsened.

So that's why I chose to never date again until I was fully ready, but after speaking out about all of this, I am not ready for anything. I am choosing to keep these guys nameless, because they know who they are & the pain they have caused me throughout our time together. I don't wish this pain on anybody, man or woman. I just hope that my story matters during this tough time with everything going on.

trauma
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About the Creator

Shakita Slater

I Create Magic

Podcaster

Cosmic (Lunar/Celestial) Witch

Yoga Instructor

Modern Day Morticia Addams, Sabrina Spellman & Harley Quinn

Vampire

Lover of Halloween & Horror

Unicorn

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