... Reaching for the Sky

Reach for the sky, is that what they always tell you? How about its not that easy.

As someone like me, who is now 42, my age is meaningless, what I mean is, someone who has been in the mental health system as long as I have.

Since the age of 19 I have been in a world, which I thought up to then (in fact I had no thought on the matter) I was part of.

I always knew I was different, but never spared a thought to the fact something was wrong.

It was not the fact that I denied it, I simply did not know.

The first time I overdosed was because of the way I was treated when younger. The voices must have been set off by that.

Yet, after all the hurt people caused me, I could not do anything at the time, as I did not want them to blame themselves.

After many years, without really saying what was wrong, my suicide attempts became more extreme.

I used to stab myself in secret, I read many dark horror novels, listened to suicidal metal to help me to die.

I nearly did, after my most violent suicide attempt.

After many years of being in and out of psychiatric wards, I began to examine myself, and learned how to deal with the demons inside.

My love of nature found me solace, my writing helped me to express myself, until it was no longer about me, I wanted to help others.

I had experience of the darker side of me, I decided to devote my life to aid others to cope too.

In a way we need each other, as I will never change, but I know how to live with my demons, and I believe I can help others do so also.

That which I wrote above was almost like brevity, I suppose, what I did impart was merely scratching at the surface, if you like, of the personal anguish attached to the aforementioned words.

Did I cut them short on purpose?

I suppose that I did, though not in a conscious way, please allow me to extrapolate on this further, if you will.

The issues (concerning my past) are almost like a dream (what I imagine a dream would be like, for I cannot dream) and so that space in time (as painful as it was) seems almost like someone else's past, I am not able to explain.

Everything it seems to me (as I am of Jungian thought myself) should be relating to the present, not over analyzing the past.

The past can be dealt with in real time, as (I hate to sound obvious) the past is gone, in short, nothing can be done about it.

It is, however, within our power to live with ourselves (in a mindful way) in the present, to positively affect our future.

We all have that power to make that change within ourselves, when all seems against us, that is when we can begin to make a difference in our lives.

I am not going to lie, it can be a long process (it was for me, and it still is ongoing), but I personally found to live with my Schizophrenia I had to accept it, make it part of me, not to control, but so as to learn how to 'make friends' with what was before thought of as the negative aspects of themselves.

It is my hope, that what I have said above could apply to many mental illnesses, as well as those who do not feel 'quite right' at times.

My brain injury has caused much confusion (I am led to believe) of my exact Schizoid—related illness, but true or not, that is irrelevant.

The point I really wish to make is this: that no matter what someone's illnesses (mental or otherwise) how can each individual fit exactly into a niche? It may be convenient for doctors for us to do so * but does not the word 'individual' speak for itself?

In other words, no one's illness is exactly the same as another's, what works for one patient may not work for another with the same diagnosis (I personally know that many doctors and patients agree with me on this point.)

*Many doctors (as written above) do agree on this, and are of the very same opinion, it is not my wish to offend anyone in the medical profession, who agrees with my statement also.