Quit Hiding Behind the Pronoun "We"

How many of us love first-person plural pronouns — “we”, “us”, “ours”? We employ them every chance we get for both genuine and disingenuous reasons.

Secretly, many are unknowingly using it as a coverup of their fears and insecurities.

First-person plural pronouns are powerful. They connote teamwork and open-mindedness towards the feelings and opinions of others. They embody the spirit of society and community. When people hear them, they immediately feel appreciated and considered. They feel motivated and inspired.

Workers are happier and inspired to work harder when business executives, managers and teammates employ the first-person plural pronouns. Corporations understand this much and continue to leverage that in communicating their visions and objectives. It’s the ruse that coerces employees to bend to the often selfish bidding of corporations.

A study drew a strong correlation between the usage of first-person plural pronouns and their impact on the quality of couples' marital lives. Another study disclosed that couples who use first-person plural pronouns in their interactions have what’s called a strong “we-ness”. The report presents that couples who frequently communicate using the first-person pronouns “we” and “us” have healthier and long-lasting relationships. Also interesting is, the same report tells that during marriage and divorce counselling sessions, couples scarcely employ the first-person plural pronouns “we” and “us”. They switch to using first-person singular pronouns and third-person pronouns like “I”, “he”, “she”.

The reason we is such a fun word is that half of the time it is used as a way to bring the speaker closer to others and the other half of the time to deflect responsibility away from the speaker.

— James W. Pennebaker, The Secret Life of Pronouns: What Our Words Say About Us

The positive outcomes of using first-person plural pronouns are genuine reasons to continue employing them. Yet considering deeply if there are disingenuous reasons you’ve been employing them incessantly would revamp your life.

Are you consistently choosing “we” even when “I” is preferable?

Do you employ “we” and hand over credit and recognition even when you’re are abundantly deserving of it?

If your responses to the above questions are yes, then you’re certainly using the pronoun to cover up your fears and insecurities. You’re being dishonest with yourself.

You choose to live below your potential whenever you opt for “we” when “I” is preferable. You’re disingenuous about your fears and strengths, hiding your insecurities behind first-person plural pronouns like “we” and “us”.

The rest of this article explores your preference for first-person plural pronouns, even when first-person singular pronouns are occasionally desirable.

Low self-esteem

Compulsive usage of the first-person plural pronoun often is a sign of low self-esteem. You’re hiding behind them and covering up your fears and inadequacies.

The likelihood is you’re struggling with self-confidence. You don’t believe enough in yourselves.

People who chronically choose “we” and “us” in conversations actually may have an inferiority complex.

They employ the pronoun “we” instead of “I” as an escape from admitting and addressing their unhealthy, self-defeating mental disposition of “I’m not good enough”.

Such people don’t believe they are competent enough. They constantly are comparing their abilities with others and are extremely critical of themselves.

In demanding circumstances that require them to stand out and showcase themselves, they choose instead to hide behind the safety of the pronoun “we” and “us”.

Avoiding responsibility and accountability

For many people, these pronouns underpin why they often shirk their responsibilities and avoid accountability.

Employing “we” relieves you of the burden of responsibility. In your mind, “we” means “us” and “us” means I’m not entirely responsible for the outcome. The pronoun removes any direct responsibility and expectations from you.

Using “I” otherwise communicates direct ownership, responsibility, and accountability. And for people who compulsively choose “we” and “us”, it’s an implicit avoidance of that ownership, responsibility, and accountability.

Put this way, it’s a passive-aggressive approach to responsibility and accountability. It’s practically saying “I’m not responsible for how this turns out and you better not count on me”.

Answer these questions.

Are you using the pronoun “we” because you’re are afraid or avoiding taking responsibility and being accountable for your actions?

Do you choose “we” and “us” when you’re uncertain about the outcomes of a situation?

Do you choose “we” and “us” when dealing with novel situations with little or no experience?

In meetings and casual conversations, you can easily spot passive-aggressive people with their frequent usage of the pronouns “we” and “us”.

Such people are fickle and hardly follow through on their promises.

You know someone isn’t ready to take responsibility when you hear them make statements saddled with first-person plural pronouns.

“We have to find a solution to this problem”

“Mom wants us to clear the trash today before she returns from work”

The blunt interpretation in both examples is “Someone has to do this activity, but it sure not going to be me”. It’s a polite and also an indirect way of shirking responsibility.

Fear of blame and confrontation

People who are extremely self-conscious care abundantly about their public image. They avoid, like a plaque, any situation that brings into disrepute their well-crafted reputation.

They care about how people perceive them, and people’s opinion of them.

They enjoy the mundane and simplicity of things because it’s convenient and safe. It keeps blame and confrontation at bay. Whatever is challenging and pushes them to plunge into the deep end, they usually avoid.

Normally, people who employ “we” and “us” in their dialogue belong to this category of people I just described. They are sensitive and over-reactive to external opinions. To them, negative feedback and disagreeing opinions are a direct and personal attack. They have a hypersensitive ego.

For such people, one mechanism for avoiding blame and confrontation in their daily lives is using the first-person plural pronoun “we” and “us”. By this, they generalize and dampen the weight of any negative feedback they receive.

“We”, “us”, “ours” are their armour and shield against whatever endangers their reputations and public image.

It’s how they avoid risk. They convince themselves they are not responsible, the least not completely. Psychologically, they employ these pronouns because they dissociate them from guilt.

“We”, “us”, “ours” are their armour and shield against whatever endangers their reputations and public image.

Final Thoughts

I encourage you to continue to use the first-person plural pronouns “we”, “us”, “ourselves”. They are a huge motivation in social spaces. Your partner, family, friends and work team would feel considered and appreciated and therefore achieve more when you strew your interactions with first-person plural pronouns.

But you also owe yourself the honesty of identifying whether your motivations are genuine enough when you’re frequently jumping on these pronouns even when they are not entirely necessary.

Assess yourselves with this summary of why many people resort to using first-person plural pronouns even when unnecessary. Your frequent usage of these pronouns may be a pretext to an underlying fear.

Are your reasons for frequently using first-person plural pronouns rooted in any of these? Be honest with yourself.

• You have low self-esteem.
• You are shirking responsibility and avoiding accountability.
• You fear confrontation and blame and therefore avoid them.