Psyche logo

Putting Up a Front Is Dangerous

Since Nobody Knows What is Going On

By Iria Vasquez-PaezPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
Like

I’m very good at putting up a front so this is difficult to talk about out in the open, but I’ll do my best. Few know what it is like to grow up with an untreated disability, where my own family denied the fact I needed medication. In high school, I tried very hard to put up a front of positivity. I had no medication to help me stabilize my moods. It was hard to be so positive and smiley all time as I barely had access to therapy.

I’m lucky I didn’t attempt suicide in high school because I wasn’t on medication. Freshman year, people taunted me by telling me how I could come up with a suicide plan but yet I still maintained a positive front. I have no idea how my family manages to look fine yet what the hell is going in their heads? I mean how many dark thoughts do they have? I also had to contend with getting yelled at in the car every morning. If anybody were to be confronted by this, they’d say, it wasn’t that bad, I didn’t do anything.

Yes, there are situations where you have to put up a front. Work, for example. I’m so relieved my medication works for me in the present. But in the past, I was lucky, as I wasn’t allowed to go to the hospital even if I needed to go. I had many people at school willing to take me if necessary, but I was scared to try this approach because I didn’t want to scare anybody or risk getting expelled. I could have gotten SSI in high school but I didn’t know how to go about doing that. I would have gotten into trouble for going to the hospital though, if that situation had come up.

I still don’t know how I survived high school beyond my dog and watching TV. I didn’t try medication until I was 20. I’m sure my health has been messed up permanently from being denied medication. I felt bad for having mood swings that were not controlled, and the responsibility for this behavior of mine was my families’ which they refused to take responsibility for. I have yet to hear them acknowledge their bad decisions they made while I was in high school. I practically diagnosed myself schizophrenic in my sophomore year psychology class.

At least my medical care is my responsibility in the now. Putting up a front is dangerous when somebody isn’t feeling well, since you have to put on a brave face so that nobody knows what’s going on inside. Fronts actually suck. Why the hell should anybody have to put one up? In 2018, it is okay to admit you feel bad or the fact that you take medication to feel good. Why the hell is there social pressure to put up a front? So long as I had my front, people treated me well in high school, and this is still true today.

Now that I’m no longer constantly mistreated, I feel safe. Although some people at my career training school like to pick on my height. These people owe me $200 for picking on me. It doesn’t make me the bully to demand financial reparations. If anything, it is fair to give somebody with low-income part of your income if you’ve bullied me. I’m trying every way to raise money. My non-profit idea is to start a shelter for people who are escaping abusive families. I have few people who are interested in this but we shall see who can help me. My knee has to be all the way better for the fundraiser, which involves me pushing around men who are bigger than myself with my chi. Yes, this can be done. So if anybody interested in helping me is reading this, feel free to find my blog.

stigma
Like

About the Creator

Iria Vasquez-Paez

I have a B.A. in creative writing from San Francisco State. Can people please donate? I'm very low-income. I need to start an escape the Ferengi plan.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.