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PTSD

From Denial to Survival to Passion and Purpose

By Kirsten Marie PetersonPublished 4 years ago 10 min read
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PTSD: From Denial to Survival to Passion and Purpose

By Kirsten Marie Peterson

“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.”

~ Maya Angelou

I was in denial about my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for years.

I always associated PTSD with soldiers returning home, with first responders after horrific calls, with women who were the victims of rape, or with foster children who had experienced traumatic events which caused their removal from their birth homes. In the last decade I have come to learn that infants, newborns even, can get PTSD as a result of a singular traumatic event like removal from their biological mom right after birth.

As most people are aware, not every person in the above categories experiences PTSD; it seems to be rather random from an outsider’s view who finds themselves battling a mental illness and who seem to remain relatively unaffected by extreme events.

Some of my children have several mental illnesses, and in researching hour after hour for answers to help them I came upon some revelations about my own experiences. I was not just “jittery” or “high-strung” or “stressed” or “exhausted.” I actually had PTSD! This came as a surprise to me because I honestly had never heard of someone being diagnosed with PTSD as a result of events occuring in their own home, from their own children! This simply didn’t enter my realm of thinking. But indeed, this is my reality.

What is PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, in its simplest terms, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event. I will not go into the details to protect my children’s privacy, but there are three specific moments within my home life in the past eight years that would be characterized as “traumatic events.” These are the incidents that sparked my PTSD. It took me years to even consider I had PTSD. I just kept brushing the very clear symptoms aside and telling myself, “I am strong, I can get through this.”

The symptoms of PTSD fall into four categories. Specific symptoms can vary in severity, and can last months or years, coming and going. These symptoms have been gathered from many sources including the websites for the Mayo Clinic, the American Psychiatric Association, and the Cleveland Clinic.

Intrusive thoughts such as repeated, involuntary memories; distressing dreams; or flashbacks of the traumatic event. Flashbacks may be so vivid that people feel they are re-living the traumatic experience or seeing it before their eyes. I do not have these moments very often now, but the nightmares the first few years were horrific.

Avoiding reminders of the traumatic event may include avoiding people, places, activities, objects and situations that bring on distressing memories. Because the traumatic events occured IN my home, with the people I love, avoidance was a challenge. I did avoid certain objects, and to this day seeing said objects bring about a visceral fear.

Negative thoughts and feelings may include ongoing and distorted beliefs about oneself or others (e.g., “I am bad,” or “No one can be trusted”); ongoing fear, horror, anger, guilt or shame; much less interest in activities previously enjoyed; or feeling detached or estranged from others. This is still a very real daily symptom I battle. I tend to go to the extreme as a natural personality trait, but now having PTSD I find I am over the top with ongoing fear in situations where it isn’t logically necessary and I definitely have removed myself from many social circles as I feared a flare up.

Arousal and reactive symptoms may include being irritable and having angry outbursts; behaving recklessly or in a self-destructive way; being easily startled; or having problems concentrating or sleeping. I find I am easily startled, have trouble concentrating and sleeping and an occasional angry outburst.

To fully understand my situation, and how I couldn’t recognize my PTSD symptoms for what they were, I must take you on a trip down memory lane.

As a child, I was one of two children. From my very first memories, I recall my parents and my older brother telling me I was the “strong one.” I had been born premature, and as a result was not expected to live. I obviously did, but from birth onward I experienced many illnesses related to my lungs. Every time I developed bronchitis or pneumonia, I recall one of my parents telling the doctors, “That’s okay, Kirsten’s our strong child, she’ll be fine.” Although hospitalization was often suggested to help me heal faster, my mom always turned it down, because I “wasn't that sick” in her eyes.

I grew up being quite proud of being the strong one as the youngest child in the family. I grew up fast, as children of alcoholics often do. My mother died of complications from alcoholism when I was 24. I do not regret any of my upbringing as it has made me indeed into a very strong, resilient mom and this strong mental and physical structure was absolutely necessary for what was to come.

I am a mom to five children. Before the events that led to my PTSD, I was a very typical mom. I enjoyed making my children’s lunches for school, cooking them dinner as they played, going to local attractions with my children on the weekends, taking family trips and being a sports mom. I enjoyed a monthly book club that I started and also enjoyed taking classes to get my black belt. I was working a full time job as a teacher of students with visual impairments and was volunteering in the community.

After the events, I started experiencing different symptoms at different times and to different degrees. The symptoms from my yet unnamed and completely ignored PTSD were apparent in my daily life. I found myself agitated for no apparent reason, I was favoring one child over the others, I was scared to be alone in a room with a child, I maneuvered around the house never turning my back on anyone and was obsessed with making sure I had my phone ON my body at all times just in case I needed to call 911. I stopped having birthday parties at our home, I cancelled many social invites, and I was losing sleep more than ever. The interactions with my own children seemed to “feed” my PTSD symptoms and that is when I started to finally piece together the facts and research and understand that acknowledging my PTSD was a way in which I could heal myself, and in turn become a better mom for my children.

In the last eight years, I have gained approximately 60 pounds. I do not think I would have gained that weight if I was not battling PTSD. I found comfort in food. I had always enjoyed cooking, and found that when cooking a meal for my family, we were “normal.” I craved the normalcy of family life we once had, and I think cooking (and eating!) was my small way of bringing that back into our home. I quit my book club as it was too stressful to be around a group of typical moms and listen to typical life stories when my own life was so distorted. I am happy to say that most of the issues are fading. I have established how to uniquely treat my PTSD and how to maintain safety in my home. As long as I implement these strategies daily, all is well.

I have learned SO much about mental illness as a result of three separate situations occurring in my home. I am definitely a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear to anyone battling mental illness. I am a better mom as a result of having PTSD. I am modeling unconditional love day after day and demonstrating that you try to be the best version of yourself that you can be every day.

I cannot even attempt to give advice to others specifically, but in general I would remind others that since most mental illnesses present with a myriad of symptoms that any level of effective treatment would need to be multi-layered as well. I would highly suggest thinking outside the box, being willing to change treatments if one begins to not work, and being only concerned with what helps you while not harming anyone else or breaking any laws. Do not allow others to guilt you into one type of treatment over another or avoiding treatment altogether. Do not succumb to being ashamed of your mental illness, but rather embrace it as something that will eventually make you stronger!

In regards to my own PTSD, I have found the following works for me:

Mindfulness: I start and end my day with gratitude for all that is going well in my life.

Essential oils: I know this may sound strange to some, but our olfactory sense is actually remarkably strong and can bring about memories, good and bad. I find that if I need a pick-me-up on a sad day or particularly stressful day, citrus scents in my diffuser are perfect. For a sense of calm, I like to be reminded of my childhood home, arriving after school to a fresh baked after school snack. The scents of vanilla, apple spice, and cinnamon really help me recall an easier time.

Therapy: Unfortunately I have yet to find a traditional “talk therapist” that can help me. But what has really been quite therapeutic for me are Facebook groups and websites with everyday people telling their stories and asking for help. This allows me to see I am not alone, my situation indeed could be worse, and I truly have come a long way and am able to be a source of comfort to others.

Supplements such as Omegas, Vitamin D and probiotics: For me, I have found that if I have a strong mind and body, I can handle most any situation that arises with an alert calmness. The probiotic keeps my body healthy, starting with a healthy digestive tract. Then the Omegas and Vitamin D give me mental alertness and memory.

Time with nature: Sitting on my deck drinking coffee, watching the sunset or sunrise, taking a hike or even just listening to nature sounds has helped me for years.

Affirmations and visualizations: As I get ready every morning to start my day, I say about 30 minutes of affirmations following a script from a YouTube video I have watched many times. I also use visualizations where I am strong, calm, focused and happy as I battle with ease situations which used to trigger my PTSD. Our mindset is everything, and if you can get your mind right, things will fall into place.

Restful, full night of sleep: I have a lock on my door and my two large dogs sleep with me to give me comfort. I also listen to affirmations as I sleep. I am a huge advocate for vision and dream boards, goal setting and active dreaming. My dreams and goals for the future would take up three pages, so I shall summarize instead. I believe my future is full of love, life, giggles, hugs, and silliness with the typical hills and valleys everyone experiences along life’s journey. I have a good plan for how to treat my PTSD, so if another incident is traumatizing to me, I believe I will meet any symptoms of PTSD head on and be stronger for the experience. I plan to become a public speaker after publishing several books and hope that my voice can be used to help others move from denial to survival to a life of passion and purpose living with PTSD.

I am proud of myself for getting to a point where I can say “I have PTSD” as readily as I can say “I have asthma.” It is a good feeling to be breaking the stigma of what the picture of mental illness looks like.

ptsd
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About the Creator

Kirsten Marie Peterson

I am a retired special education teacher turned writer. Although my writing thus far is non-fiction, I hope to someday write children's books. I live in the USA with my 5 kids & 2 dogs.

https://www.facebook.com/kirsten.peterson.9028

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