PTSDiscovery

Plant based, runner, young widow.

By Karen LichtmanPublished 7 years ago • 3 min read

What's my story?

I'm not really sure.

What I can tell you is that six weeks ago I have a series of panic attacks over two days.

I threw my hands up to the universe and surrendered.

Really, I spent an entire night crying in my bed, until the Ambien kicked in.

I was introduced to PTSD by my psychopharmacologist, after I lost my boyfriend to liver disease, my mom to small cell lung cancer, and my apartment after my suicidal roommate set it on fire. It was a rough 18 months.

But I hadn't had a panic attack in six years. And what's more, the world was literally days a way from COVID collapse. Luckily, I was able to secure a new mental health team just in time.

So as I navigate my PTSDiscovery I will document my progress here, on Vocal.

If you enjoy what you see here, if it resonates with you, feel free to support me with a monetary gift.

I Need A Break:

Doctor's healthy orders.

Yesterday was April 1, and my first day of being on leave from work. Perhaps I should have done this sooner. I have direct contact with customers all day in Brooklyn, New York. I had a preemptive discussion with my doctor, an awesome woman, who does not want me to be so close to this Virus.

I am healthy and showing no symptoms. So I am taking the signs from mystical forces of the universe, and science, and time to heal myself. Rest. Consider my core. Redirect. Aim.

My new doctor wants me off of Ambien. I have spent the last week taking it later and later each night, in an effort to ween myself off. Last night I was able to take it at 10:30pm, and I only needed a half of a tablet.

Truth, I was still high from a half of a vegan cannabis cookie. I had done a video conference thing with my widow friends. Some of them were drinking wine, and I don't like the taste of alcohol. AND I don't do it that often. Saying that I use cannabis "recreationally" is even a stretch. I treat myself occasionally, to edibles only.

I had a phone meeting with an IV league school about getting an e-certificate in Nutrition. I signed up for a VO2 challenge on Strava. I would like to go and get my miles back.

What I Did Today:

Day by day, minute by minute, second by second.

• Woke up at 6am. Naturally. But with a headache. I had nothing to grab to eat along with a pain reliever. Oven roasted 5 pieces of frozen broccoli. Drank half a tablet of Nuun, Vitamins +Cafeine, Blackberry Citrus. Ate the broccoli with two Excedrin, Tension Headache.

• Took one single Host Defense Mushroom, Turkey Tail, Immune Support.

• Ran 1.71 miles in 30m:15s.

• Created art. And sat out on my fire escape for an hour, just to write.

• Another video conference with my widow friends. Loved it. But I could not concentrate on it for very long.

• 1/2 Ambien at 10:08pm. Another half at 11:37pm.

• Recorded that I drank 48 ounces of water.

Am I doing the right thing? This negative space is tricky. How do I shop? Nourish myself? What am I doing? Will I run out of money? What will happen?

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Nuun = www.nuunlife.com

Excedrin = www.excedrin.com

Host Defense = www.hostdefense.com

Strava