Protect Your Power

I’m writing this as I continue to reflect on the emotional impact of the George Floyd murder on myself as a black woman and on the world that has seen that video and the subsequent fallout in the protests, looting etc.

Trauma isn’t something new to me, in fact since my early teens I’ve spent countless hours learning about trauma and other psychology related topics in an effort to better understand myself and get closer to people in my life. I’m not a psychiatrist nor have I got a related degree, my studies into this have been purely selfish, for myself. One thing was clear as I was watching the video, acutely aware that what I was watching was wrong, grotesque even, a testament to me of the fact that my life hasn’t been as traumatic as I once believed and held as my reason for delving into the quest for self-understanding as I considered THAT to be the most evil thing I had ever seen. I did not feel fear, thankfully, which I credit to inner self management practices i’ve been practicing like meditation. I felt immense disgust to see Evil wearing a police uniform. Anger and Frustration to see apathy and enablement wearing the same uniform. I watched Derek Chauvin’s eyes. Unashamed, evil.

The slight fear set in when I realized after watching that the fallout was going to be immense, there was no predicting it’s nature and course. In fact, as I write, the protests have reached my part of the world for the reason that many feel this is how they can show solidarity and that brings a mild anxiety again, due to unpredictability of these events. Many videos have circulated online of police brutality but this one was different, in fact some media noted that regardless of political affiliation in the US, and in fact across the "world on social media", people were united in condemning the actions of the police officers.

Not long after though, the protests turned to rioting and looting and the division was back. Online, the conversation seemed to center around those not “posting” in support of the cause, those condemning violence, looting etc pegged villains especially if they are white. "Silence is compliance", some have said.

Then I watched a video of a Black British celebrity i'm guessing who I don’t actually know or follow but based on the content of this video felt the need to address the people who had been sending messages implying he didn’t care and therefore complicit because he decided not to post as social media, how dare he when even white people have posted. I felt disappointed that this is what we’ve come to as human beings. Forcing others to do and say things so we can feel better about ourselves.

Whenever my mind broaches this topic, I recall myself 2 years ago, clinically depressed and anxious, no one ever said the right thing and I felt entitled that I was willing to wait until someone did. My solutions lay in the hands and mouths of others. I felt worse when no one did say or do the right thing, I spiraled deeper into my darkness. “How could they not know me?”, “What was the use in all the time spent together if they couldn’t figure me out enough to help me?”…. I don’t have that thought process or mindset anymore, but I recognize it somewhat in others, it’s attractiveness but mostly the futility in it. It wasn’t straight forward but I had to understand for myself that people couldn’t solve that for me, they could only be there!

If I wanted solutions for dealing with the darkness, they lay with me.

The process I went through to change is why I don’t believe there’s use in shaming or forcing people into saying and doing things. For one, can we be certain it's genuine, can we trust and feel secure?!

Encouraging conversation to address irrational fears and stereotypes about race with a view to understanding all sides is important. I fear though that in the encouragement for black voices to speak out about their thoughts and experiences which have long gone ignored and unheard, white voices are getting shutdown, encouraged to “just listen” for once, being descended from slave owners, with words like white privilege, Asians are hailed as the side-liners, apathetic to the plight of other minorities, and the George Floyd video didn’t help much in that regard but nonetheless, if my white friend listens to me talk about my struggles and experiences, if I value our friendship and seek to truly understand them and build the relationship, I must do likewise.

Interracial friendships especially should be akin to the raw revelations of a patient in their therapist’s office. That tends to come because the patient isn’t afraid of judgement and only with that level of honesty can a therapist be equipped to help. It’s not a rainbows and roses process and no doubt there will be tensions and awkward moments, even full blown arguments but if people are committed to understanding rather than one-upping and subduing and winning arguments, then there’s hope for the individuals and the friendship can grow and last in comparison to mere superficial platitudes. The goal is never to force change but to be there, be there as a person discovers the reason for themselves, the reason they need to change. Only then is the change genuine, heartfelt, and it lasts!

WE ALL HAVE BIASES and RACIST thoughts. Few of us will admit in public these days. Why? In the social justice, and social media courts era, there’s a deep fear of having honest conversations partly because they do hurt and this will send the mildest inappropriate person “underground” where there is no option to educate and challenge their thoughts and opinions where they are more likely to emerge as full fledged racists or worse.

In the movie Inception, the reason the dream thieves as i call them have to go so deep into the target's mind is to reach the level far enough where the idea that is planted manifests as if it were the target’s own idea. The point being, perhaps the price we have to pay for real change as far as this topic is concerned, is to see past our hurts, anger and pain and willingly venture deep into the minds of those we interact on a day to day basis, and allow them into ours via honest conversation, flowing freely without overt judgement if we are to have any chance of planting tolerant seeds that grow into the peaceful equal understanding future we are yearning for.