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Premonition

Baseball Cards

By BryeAna FreemanPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Some people have premonitions when they're young of what their lives might turn out like, mostly hopeful. Some kids see they might be a fire fighter, a police man.

Some might just simply see a life with a family. The perfect set up, white picket fence, dog, and kids.

I always knew I'd be a mother, It was just something that was instilled inside of my soul. I always cared for others way before myself, and babies always made me happy.

One side of me always saw my life ending early, ever since I can remember I had this horrible feeling I would one day end my own life, and leave my family behind.

As a child that is really not something you should have a premonition about.

Yet over and over, for years I did and still have.

When I was around 10 years old I was sitting under the dining room table, over the heat vent like I always did. I was reading 20,000 Baseball Cards Under the Sea. Our home phone rang, my step father at the time answered. I could see there was a little discomfort in his body motions and tone when he handed the phone to my mother.

Sometimes when you look back at your childhood things are kind of foggy, like its a dream you can see some things, but some stuff is hard to make out.

I remember the sound of my mother screaming and falling to the floor, our tan rectangular phone smacking the floor before the cord sprung it back up into the air and then smashing down again.

She went to her room and didn't come out for what felt like days, I wasn't exactly sure what happened but from putting some pieces together I figured out my grandmother whom lived on the other side of the country had killed herself.

My guess is from that moment on in my little 10 year old brain I knew that things like that happen. Before that day I had never even thought about it, never knew people did that.

I was blind to my Grandmother's mental illness. She was always the greatest. The few times a year she came around. She would pick me up from school in the middle of the day for no reason, take me to get ice cream, wake me up in the middle of the night to eat oranges. All these special things I held so close to my heart I realized as I grew up were just her ups, I never saw her downs.

In my heart she is still a free spirited women, sitting in a flower bed of daisy's smoking a cigarette, and laughing.

After that it's almost like the option of that, of taking the easy way out never left my mind. I always thought I would grow up have a child and their father would raise them and just remember me, remember me as the good fun loving women I was. Maybe that thought was easier to deal with than thinking of ever possibly disappointing them or letting them down. If they could just have me as a memory it would just be better.

Now I'm grown and have been married for seven years, I have three beautiful little girls and some days I still struggle with this premonition.

Some days are dark and hard and the lows are very low. But I'm learning to enjoy the highs a little more and learn more from my lows. I want to grow and live and share a life and make memories with my family not just leave them with mine.

depression
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