Please let me break the curse

I was asked how my relationship with my mother was. My response:

“I Love My mother, but...it’s complicated”

There was a time where I honestly loathed my mother. She made me livid. Her narcissistic personality and her anger issues made it hard for me to look at her. What’s sad about this situation? People wonder about her mother and the answer is uncanny. She too described her mother as the following:

“I Love her, but it’s complicated”.

In my mother’s defense, her mother is not a good mom. I know I sound bad and I should not talk bad about my grandma, but I cannot say that a woman who physically fights her children, pin them against each other and calls them b*&^% or tells their personal business a “good mother”. My mom feels like she should be a good daughter because she has to, despite having a bad mom. Ironically, the same can be said about my sister and me.

What led to this:

My mother one day told us that she never wanted kids. Being a child and hearing your mother say that is upsetting. She is entitled to her feelings, but to say it out loud when literally no one asked is awful, especially to her children. When I looked into how my mom had my sister and me, it hit me; she was serious. She only had my sister because her sister was pregnant and when she had me years later, it was because my dad wanted me and everyone was having kids. She has even gone on and said

“If I had not met your dad, I would have only stuck to having your sister”

I am not allowed to voice my feelings. I laughed it off, but it still bothers me. She defended herself by saying that “She loves us”, but it hurt because I thought that I was a good child. My sister is the golden child even though she doesn’t feel like it, so it bothered me more (I will get into this later).

Ready for Hypocrisy? My grandmother said that she did not want any of her children. My mother of course was...hurt. Yet, she saw nothing wrong with what she told my sister and me because she said “I love you”. Her side of the family is NOT sensitive. I am the most sensitive on this side so I usually don’t make jokes to anyone’s expense and almost everyone also does not make jokes about me...except my mother.

It’s like looking in a mirror:

As I have said before, my sister and I have a complicated relationship with our mother, and she had a complicated relationship with her mother. One of the worst things that a mother can do is call her children names, say something cruel about them or brandish their character. Both my mother and grandmother are guilty of this. I am not close to one of my aunts and my grandmother and her got into an altercation. That is when my grandmother said:

“That’s why you husband is better off dead!”

Who would say such things?! My mother thought that was an awful thing to say. Yet, she told me behind my sister’s back:

“Her husband is going to leave her for …”

As for me? Well, we had gotten into a big fight because I offered her my water bottle to drink from. I drank out of it prior and in all honesty I didn’t know that it was a big deal. I apologized, but she wanted to destroy me. She told an embarrassing secret that she had promised to never tell. Even my insensitive family thought she took it too far and felt awful for me. A day later, I said hi to her and she acted like I didn’t say hi. She was on the phone with my sister and she literally said to her:

** “Yeah your sister is acting like we broke up. Being pissy. This is how people act when they are sleeping together…” **

Her comment made me so angry, I did not eat that night. I went straight to my room and left early for school. I was still mad and hated her for telling that secret that happened to me. To make matters worse, I auditioned for a play and hoped that I would get a mother’s comfort. She said

“God, did not give me that role because of how I was acting toward her”.

Well, her mother is no different. She has said similar things to my mother. Not long after, my grandmother told a dark secret about my mom to the daughter of the person who caused her harm. My mother said...she was hurt. It is sad, because my mother can see her mother hurting her but not see the hurt she has caused me and my sister. Yet, it is weird how two people can act so much alike. It’s like looking in a mirror.

Was she a mother or a woman who gave birth to me?

I am going to be honest. My mom really did not act like a usual “mother”. Whenever I did anything wrong, she would literally talk to my sister and my sister would be the one to tell me what was wrong. I hated this. She did not act like a mom, but a little sister who told on me for everything. History definitely repeats itself because her mom did the same to her. My mom was really the one who raised her siblings. In my childhood, I remember spending more time with either my dad or sister. Not much with her. It was the same with her and her mother. When it came to giving me “the talk”, she literally only told me “Now you can get pregnant!”. Instead of sitting me down and being a mom. Her mom? Well when my mom started her period, her mom threw a pad at her and continued talking on the phone with her friend. I guess we both sucked at that.

Compare & Contrast:

The biggest issue I had with my mom, she always compared me to my sister. I hated this. When I wanted to do something it was always:

“Well your sister isn’t like that”

“Why can’t you be like your sister?”

“Ugh at least your sister didn’t need to…”

She piled on me so bad one day that I had a nervous breakdown and cried. She stopped. What’s bad was that she was mad because I wanted to hang out with my cousins and that is why she piled on me.

Grandma is the same. She compares her children a lot and goes as far as to tell lies. My mother did this too. She talked bad to me with my sister and vice versa. Both my grandma and mom thrived on pinning the children against each other. Eventually, I saw through this years ago. My mom and her siblings saw through their mom as well.

Conclusion:

This is the tip of what my mom and grandma had done. We are a dysfunctional family. It took years for me to get to a point where I can love my mom, but I do not trust her. It was not easy. Without the help of my sister, I wouldn’t know where I would be. It is sad to see how my mom and grandmother are. I just hope that when I have children, especially a daughter, that I learn from what I have witnessed and I break this curse. I love you mom, but...it’s complicated.