Peace be with You

Something felt off. It wasn't the overly formal clothes despite her reservations about their appearance. ‘I look like such a dag’ she thought but she knew she had looked equally if not more ridiculous on a number of occasions, and even then this uneasy feeling wasn't present.

Could it perhaps be the church in which she stood? She evaluated the idea, but quickly came to her conclusion. No, she thought. She found its overall design and architecture to be quite impressive, the marble carved statues, so lifelike it seems impossible they weren’t 3D printed or at the very least molded out of clay. Lastly the warm light beamed in through the stained glass windows, truly an awe inspiring sight to behold. ‘Almost enough of a reason to get out of bed so early on Sunday she joked to herself knowing full well she would much rather be horizontal and sawing logs.

The priest had been speaking for some time, doing his best to motivate his flock to lead by Jesus of Nazareth’s example. An honorable enough notion she thought, after all this Jesus character occasionally came out with some great wisdom. ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ is perhaps the single most profound piece of insight found not just in the bible but in any piece of literature ever she thought. However she felt this golden rule was hardly an invention of Christ’s, rather an innate understanding found in everyone of us, empathy.

‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’

A wonderful principle. It’s just that it’s message is made rather redundant when you need only turn back some pages to read Leviticus or Deuteronomy to find some of the most reprehensible directions to ever have been issued. Inhumane violence, murder, the dogmatic oppression of women and homosexuals and plenty of other repugnant acts prescribed by our benevolent God himself. The kind that would make your stomach churn if these customs were still being practiced anywhere near you today.

To play devil’s advocate, the new testament did usher in a more peaceful age compared to its older doctrines, but not without faults all together, not even Jesus took a stand against slavery. Unfortunately, due to its lasting presence throughout history it has also preserved and fostered a lot of dangerous ideas some of which are still contentious topics today.

These were not things she cared to be lectured about. Moral posturing certainly works better when you have the actual ethical foundation beneath you on which to stand tall. No one should be modeling their dating strategy on Ted Bundy after all.

She had wished, maybe even prayed, though the irony not lost on her, That the minister would instead pivot entirely into a sermon about the Greek gods like Zeus and Ares or the Norse gods Odin and Loki. She would settle for any polytheistic myths and legends. All of which equally as likely to be possible in her mind, as the same old Abrahamic tales she had come to detest more and more with each coming passage.

And maybe it was this reason she felt off. Stuck in a perpetual state of standing, kneeling and sitting every week, devoting her time to a god she didn’t respect let alone believe in. Or was it because she was surrounded by people more worldly, senior and supposedly more intelligent than herself that all came here each Sunday of their own volition…

Her parents and family included.

She could continue speculating endlessly to try and distract herself from hearing the parable of the sower for what felt like the millionth time, but at her core she knew this was the cause of her anguish. She may have not wanted to get up each and every Sunday but her inner turmoil was not born of such a minor inconvenience. It was that her own beliefs were so diametrically opposed to her family’s that she would never be able to be honest with them about herself.

In the past whenever she would air her grievances or doubts with her mother, no arguing would follow, only anecdotes of a time long gone when Nun’s ruled with an iron fist or ruler would probably be more accurate. Nothing her mother said was inaccurate or embellished for the sake of scoring an underhanded point in their debate but it certainly wasn't an intellectually honest response. It had very little to do with refuting any criticism or assessment brought forward, only served to show how her mother was in the position she was. Everything discussed on the subject could effectively be boiled down to its most concentrated essence.

God said so and so it was.

It made sense, growing up in a time when there wasn't easy access to information, substantial and legitimate knowledge was hard to come by. Not every family could afford to send you to a decent institution, and many people dropped out to work rather than chase an education. If you wanted to get to the bottom of the tough questions you may not have had the means to answer them, and that's if you went out of your way to seek those answers. Knowing this didn't seem to make it any easier for her, she was well aware that for a myriad of people, God was a good enough answer, and not just for the tough questions, but all questions. The Origin of the species all the way to why your bank loan got approved, it pained her to know that her Family were amongst those people.

She seldom dared engage in such a heated topic with her father, for she already knew it was a moot point. Imagine a game of tennis, You have prepared for months with a rigorous training regimen and an excessive amount of discipline. Arrive on the day of the match only to discover your opponent is a brick wall covering the entire opposing side of the court, that’s how it felt to communicate with her dad about this.

Was she wrong to feel so distraught about all this? It was hardly analogous to the position of millions of women in the Middle East who aren’t allowed to pursue an education, pick their spouse, dress feely or discuss their beliefs and doubts openly and honestly. By comparison, what right did she have to complain?

A more apt simile would be that of a gay person yet to come out. Stuck in a closet built out of failed expectations and disappointment. She had been trapped there for quite some time, certainly for most of her life. Waiting for her opportune moment, when everything would come together and she would be able to find the exact right thing to say. Words so profound as soon as they graced her family members' ears, like a magic spell they would shift the nature of reality itself. No prejudice or dissatisfaction, only love and acceptance. At last freed from the shackles of disownment that had weighed so heavily on her mind for as long as she could remember.

‘Now there’s a myth I could get behind’, she thought. Unlike the stories she was currently doing her best to ignore, no divine intervention or sorcery was going to get her out of this affair. Instead she knew her best bet would be a persuasive argument.

But come out and say what?

She was an atheist?

She hated this term. There isn’t a word for people who don’t believe in the boogeyman, you either think it’s real or you don’t, categorizing those who don't with a label would be entirely arbitrary.

She could say she was agnostic, however this also didn't seem to fit as every living person was agnostic in relation to a higher power. No one has a 100% certain perception of what becomes of us once we die. Whether there is an afterlife or a state of consciousness post our mortality or simply just the same nothingness as the millions and billions of years prior to our births. No one has a definitive answer, and anyone who does cannot possibly claim it with sufficient authority on the matter.

And as suddenly as it began the priest wrapped up his sermon with a light hearted joke. Something about how working for the lord doesn't pay much, but the benefits are out of this world. A faint chortle could be heard but it seemed as if it was mainly to humor the priest and spare him some embarrassment for such an awful pun. Everyone stood up and started to converse with one another.

She scanned her eyes around the noisier and now seemingly warmer church hall. wondering if perhaps most people didn’t come here each week to hear someone prattle on about a Middle Eastern carpenter who very likely never performed any kind of miracle. Instead choosing to because it gave them a position amongst a community of like minded people with an intention to do good and help those less fortunate than themselves. Whether for genuinely altruistic purposes or not, it didn't really matter to her, still a noble cause in her eyes.

Admittedly she thought about how the motivations behind certain deeds tended to erode the underlying soul of such a gesture. Can an act truly be considered selfless if doing so moves one's position closer towards heaven than hell?

Yes.

Her own answer took her by surprise.

Struck back to agnosticism. No one knows there is a heaven or hell. All these people were essentially making a wager with their finite time and effort as the buy in, praying they get to take home the pot of eternal life at God’s side. A gamble well worth the reward should it be true, but unquestionably not a gamble free of stakes in her mind.

A bet her family appeared to make daily.

She had never entertained the idea that perhaps God or Jesus were merely a stand-in babysitter for her and her siblings when her parents were unable to keep an eye on them.

Not in fact the answer to all questions whether asked or not, not an accurate look into our history, not even the greatest story ever told. Just an invention of man that in its current state serves as a way for people who are worlds apart in differences, to come together under a united banner of doing their best to make the world a better and happier place.

Albeit quite lovey-dovey for her usual sentiments she couldn't help but acknowledge something within herself had changed after arriving at this new understanding.

She looked over at her parents and siblings chatting with an old lady who only minutes ago would have been the very catalyst of her discontent. ‘So frustrating’ she would have thought. ‘Why must they always chat upon each new meeting, as if anything interesting was ever exchanged from their conversations’. But instead this was not her thought process.

Rather she just saw an old woman, politely making an effort in socializing with a family completely outside of her typical demographic and social status. And of course her own family, smiling away, asking questions and making the old woman feel heard and her time and attention appreciated.

Her parents very likely didn't want to stand around for an hour after the service had finished just to make small talk and hear people out, but regardless of their own interests, they did it every week.

This brought a smile to her face, possibly her first one ever within these stone church walls, completely sincere, with a newly kindled joy.

For if her parents would make such a small sacrifice for what amounts to an almost complete stranger, pray tell would they concede for their own flesh and blood.