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Particularly sensitive Riikka has suffered from an eating disorder, addiction and depression: “I think everyone who is severely depressed has suicidal thoughts because their existence is so painful then”

Survival story

By Bimal Kanta Moharana Published 2 years ago 12 min read
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Particularly sensitive Riikka has suffered from an eating disorder, addiction and depression: “I think everyone who is severely depressed has suicidal thoughts because their existence is so painful then”
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As a child, Riikka Rintasalo was supposed to be a girl of ten. It brought him an eating disorder and three major depressive episodes. During each period of her depression, Riikka has been convinced that other people would be better off without her. "A sore mind can't see any further."

In her last months, her own childhood picture has delighted Riikka Rintasalo , 57, from Seinajoki. She sits in her grandmother's arms.

“Oh, when I’m sweet at that. I am open, talkative, open-minded and curious - all that I would like to find myself again. I can look at that little Riga gently. ”

For decades, Riikka has been staring at her mirror image and what she has done so relentlessly that compassion for herself is a fairly fresh thing for her. On the other hand, life has accumulated understanding towards other people. A smile can mask a gloomy grief.

“When you never know what the other person’s life is, you always have to be good to him or her,” says Riikka.

A girl of ten

A collection of numerous rules decorated the wall of the Riga Room as a child. There were the Ten Commandments of the Bible and the rules of home, school, and patrol.

The ten-year-old girl herself had texted them into a poster she first saw in the morning.

"If the morning got off to a bad start and there was a rift at home, I went back to bed and tried to get back on my right foot to make things go better."

In the childhood family, upbringing was crystallized in good manners and rules. The family of officials was decent and safe in many ways, but later Riikka realized that something was missing. Beautiful backdrops were so important that there was no permission to express genuine feelings.

Riikka does not know for sure the reason for the atmosphere in the home. He believes that the emphasis on manners was common in the 1960s.

“If I misbehaved, usually a long look from mom or dad was enough. I don’t remember ever getting my back. ”

Riikka strived for perfection in behavior, but not in other areas of life. He wonders that perhaps it was an endless thirst for acceptance and love.

"I was horrified to think I was hurting someone, and when, of course, I sometimes hurt myself, I hugged myself a lot."

"I couldn't be genuine"

Riikka observed her environment and weighed how it should occur in any situation. Would it be appropriate to laugh, or should it be sad? In the end, he didn’t dare react in any way until he knew for sure what would be appropriate. He froze expressionless, and did not always have time to follow the feelings of others. The feeling was confused, anxious and outsiders.

“I couldn’t be genuine when I didn’t know myself, and I couldn’t make a weird first impression on me because I didn’t dare give anything of myself,” Riikka reflects.

“Some of those close to me thought I was insensitive and indifferent. There was a turmoil inside me, but I didn't want to let anything out until I knew I would do it right. ”

Sometimes Riikka had to act against her conscience because she did not dare to defy the pressure of the community.

“I interfered with bullying in elementary school, and it annoyed some. They thought I was a better, little saint. After that, I was quiet and could laugh with the bullies, even though I was hurt. ”

The sayings of other people meant a lot to Riga anyway. He noticed how often small and graceful girls were admired.

“I might have been a little chubby, but it hadn’t bothered me. Then, when others were praised for their slenderness, I began to consider my thighs thick. ”

In adolescence, Riga was gradually diagnosed with a gluttony disorder BED.

"I thought people valued me based on how skinny I was and how much I weighed."

Criticism of Riga was directed only at his own appearance.

"I thought people valued me based on how skinny I was and how much I weighed."

We lived in the early 1980s and there was little talk about eating disorders. At home, Riga was not pressured to lose weight or exercise, but was encouraged when she got excited about them. He knew how to conceal gluttony.

At the age of 17, Riikka brought the cat to the table. She read an article in the women’s magazine about an eating disorder and took it to her parents.

“I stated I have this and asked for help. They replied that if I sought psychiatric help, the information about it would spread and I would never get a job. The future would reportedly be there. So the disease progressed for me for many years. ”

Who am I really?

In her childhood and youth, Riikka closed herself and controlled herself so much that she forgot who she really was.

“I didn’t have any self-awareness, for example, when I had to choose a profession. My grandfather said I would probably become a good teacher. I was a little disappointed, but I didn't see any other option. ”

The advantage of applying for teacher training was that at that time, aspirants did not have to read any entrance exam books. The struggle for appearance made Riga's ability to concentrate almost completely, reading would have been impossible.

Riikka got to study on the basis of an interview and a teaching sample.

However, he felt like an outsider among other students. The genuine connection to my own self was missing.

“I don’t know if the other people were different or if I wasn’t just ready to adapt to the crowd. I drifted forward and often touched the bar where it was at its lowest. ”

Riikka often missed classes and tried to get through the exam without reading or browsing a bit of friends ’notes. He hurried home from lectures and departed on his way to buy treats.

The camel's back was finally severed by an unrest. Riikka was sure that first love fell into her overweight, when in reality it was not.

The desire for life disappeared.

“I lived a wild student life for a while against my values. I sought relief from alcohol. Gradually, I made myself believe it would be better for everyone if I weren’t. ”

Riga was starting to work hard to get anywhere. It was hard for him to be awake, but the poppy didn't come. He blamed himself for, among other things, lack of access, failures in dieting attempts, and wrong choices.

When the parents visited their daughter, the mother saw a discouraged and indifferent Riga.

She thought the girl had to seek help.

“I had already decided how I was going to die, but I thought I could visit my mother like a psychologist. The psychologist got my interest, and I wanted to start visiting him. Gradually, I became interested in life anyway. ”

“It’s been an achievement to get out of bed and get dressed”

Riikka married at the age of 25 and the family grew up with five children. However, the depression did not ease, although there was also a lot of joy in life.

Riikka has suffered from three major depressive episodes, the latest of which she is just recovering from. There has always been some difficult experience of one's own or loved ones' background.

“During the second episode of depression, I just couldn’t take any more action. Steps and the mind slowed. However, the love of children gave tremendous power. I gave and received love, and it was very healing. ”

“During the second episode of depression, the steps and mind slowed. However, the love of children gave tremendous power. ”

At worst, the depression has taken Riga’s ability to concentrate so that he hasn’t been able to watch TV or do anything. It has been an achievement to get out of bed and get dressed.

“If I’ve read two pages of the book, it’s been a joy. It is easy for a depressed person to read the same page over and over again, and it only depresses them more. ”

While in the bottom mud, Riikka has not been able to watch movies. After feeling a little relieved, he’s happy to start with some light television series.

“I’ve been able to laugh at myself, but at the worst, nothing has swung in any direction. I see smiles and laughter as signs of recovery. ”

“I’ve been able to laugh at myself. I see smiles and laughter as signs of recovery. ”

The last drop before the third collapse

The third period of depression was the deepest and most difficult for Riga. It would be triggered again by the tragic fates of the close circle, and only later did Riikka realize that she had suffered from close dependence.

He has tried to keep the whole family together, both mentally and financially.

The last straw before the third collapse was being tempted by a beloved hobby. A hobby that should have given strength to everything else, I was at a dead end. At the same time, Riikka lost many friends and was stuck in her experience of injustice. He lost his ability to function and was hospitalized in December five years ago.

Riikka recalls the couple of weeks in the hospital with gratitude.

“I was figuratively carried. If I couldn’t talk, the nurses asked if they could come again in half an hour, and because I didn’t dare deny it, they came. ”

Riikka had given permission for it.

“It activates me. The nurses were hardworking and professional, and I always went to the wire, ”Riikka recalls with a laugh.

Riikka used to be anti-drug, but now her mind changed.

"In the hospital, my medication was put in place to get me to sleep and calm down."

During each period of her depression, Riikka has been convinced that other people would be better off without her.

He has only seen the chain disappointments he has produced for both himself and his loved ones.

Riikka admits that revolving around her own faults is self-centered, but the sore mind does not see further.

“I think everyone who is seriously depressed has suicidal thoughts because existence is so painful then. It's not necessarily about wanting to die, it's about not enduring internal pain. ”

"As a convalescent, I can't stand adversity"

Over the years, the attention given to appearance in Riga's thoughts has diminished and the eating disorder has shrunk to a sugar addiction.

“When I avoid sugar for a month, it starts to ease but I always bounce again. However, I don't take sugar addiction very seriously. ”

Riikka still fears insulting other people. He doesn’t want to change badly, but he tries to get rid of the wrong kind of pleasure.

“Despite my depression, I want to learn to do nice things without a bad conscience. I remarried after my divorce, and I get to go to the theater with my husband, play golf or just laugh. ”

After falling ill, Riikka has tried several times to return to her job as a teacher, always hopeful and threatening with enthusiasm. Every time the return has failed.

“As a convalescent, I can’t stand adversity. They affect me 50 times. A bystander might say that yes, you gave up on the little one. But what can I do about it? ”

Importance of peer support

In addition to occupational health care and therapy, peer support groups have provided great help. Riikka has also trained as an experienced expert in the hospital district. His studies gave him a lot.

“There were twelve of us who had survived our trials. We shared our very different stories, and it was instructive. It took away self-centeredness. The stories of the others were sad, too. ”

“When we shared our story, it took away self-centeredness. Others had also experienced hardships. ”

Riikka has researched her family background and found mental health problems there. Both grandfathers were hurt by the war.

“Traumas run in the family. For my part, I want to break harmful habits, such as backstage maintenance. Now you can talk and seek help. There is no need to hide or be perfect. ”

Riikka hopes to be able to return to working life from rehabilitation support at least in some form. He has always wanted to show the importance of mercy to his students as well. Nonetheless, or perhaps precisely because you have struggled with it yourself.

“My students don’t have to cry if they’re late for class. I’ve tried to bring some grace into the work community as well, but it’s challenging. Teachers have performers and the work is busy. ”

"I grab little bright moments every day"

For now, Riikka enjoys rest and quiet mornings. Now is the time not to demand too much of yourself. It is not easy, because Riikka is happy to plan for the future.

“I’m afraid of a recurrence of depression but I’m doing my best not to. I lost myself so badly and I have worked on a contract to know what I want and what I like. ”

Today, Riikka tries to listen to herself carefully. If he manages to wipe the table, that’s fine already. You don't have to clean everything at once. If his condition allows, he will exercise.

“I grab little bright moments every day and press them into my heart. I also actively try to create positive experiences in my day. And if I can't, I'll flute. ”

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Bimal Kanta Moharana

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