Parenting with a Diagnosis of SMI (Serious Mental Illness)

So, You’re a Parent Living with a Mental Illness. Now What?

You can be a loving and successful parent, even when you're not well. One of the best things you can do for your children is to raise them to understand that no single human is perfect. Allow them to make mistakes without punishing them so much that they feel they must be perfect. They need to understand that they are human, and humans make mistakes, have problems, feelings, and emotions. Teach them to be sympathetic and empathetic little humans. They will grow up less judgmental of others and more understanding!

As parents, we need to remember to practice what we "preach". We are human. We get sick. We make mistakes and have character flaws. That is OK. Allow yourself to be human.

"Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do."

-Dr. Benjamin Spock

Some Tips for Easier Parenting

Make "To Do" Lists: I find that I have so many things in my head all at once, I get overwhelmed. This leads to unnecessary stress and anxiety. The last thing I want to do, is take this out on my children. If I get things written down on paper, I can cross them off when I've completed them. It gets it out of my head and just that simple action, will help take some of the weight off. Do this if you have a lot of random thoughts as well. The more you get out onto paper, the better you will feel.

Get Treatment: If you're having trouble knowing where to start, get help. See your general practitioner or your Counselor. They will guide you in the right direction. Maybe you just need an unbiased ear. Maybe you're suffering greatly and need medication. Whatever you do, don't go through it alone. There is always someone who cares and can help get you the right treatment for you.

Join a Support Group: Most towns or cities have small support groups, formed by people just like you and me. If your town does not have one, there are many online! If you have been diagnosed with a specific disorder, you can look for a group of people with your same diagnosis. Hearing from others who are struggling just like you, may be a great way to learn some healthy new coping skills.

Create a Crisis Plan: A crisis plan will help you when you feel like you're completely losing it. If you feel lost, it will have the answers you need. A good crisis plan should have your emergency contacts, including your doctor, Mental Health contacts, a list of all your current medications, and directions for a trusted friend or family member on what to do if you are in crisis. (I am a certified WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) facilitator in Arizona. I can help you build a WRAP book, if you would like one).

Keep the Kids Busy: Busy kids are better behaved. Half the time, they are acting out because they're bored. Enrolling them in classes, sports and other activities will keep them out of trouble while giving you some down time. Be sure that if you plan to do this, you are committed to participating or at least spectating. This is very important to your children. If you are not in a financial position, or not mentally/physically capable to participate with them currently, find some fun (age appropriate) activities to do together at home.

Make Date Nights with the Kids: The more one-on-one time they get with you, the less needy they will be. They will feel more secure and happier. They will learn to value their alone time as well. Plan to schedule time each week, even just an hour, when they get complete undivided attention from you. It may be difficult if you have multiple children (like I do) but they will get used to it. (Each child should have a schedule day/time of the week to spend with you and it should never be used as reinforcement or punishment, for behavior or grades) Everyone deserves special time. Happy, secure children, that is the goal.

Alone Time: Go to a movie, go for a drive (that's my personal favorite), take a long bath, take a class in something you're interested in. Taking time alone for yourself is very important. You should not feel guilty about doing this. Just remember to schedule time just for the kids too. (Find an activity that they can do independently while you take a bath. This should be something they get to play with only during your bath/alone time. They need to learn you need time alone, to be a healthy mom).

Don't Forget Your Strengths: It's easy to remember all our flaws. Try to keep notes for yourself, reminding you of your strengths. Write down one or two strengths every day. Soon you'll realize you have more positives than you realized and your self-confidence while go up. Be patient with yourself.

Stay Active & Find Your Passion: For me, it's pretty much any form of art. It makes me feel accomplished. I created something from nothing. It builds self-esteem and it's very important to remember that you are an individual. Being a parent is only part of who you are. Discover something about yourself that you didn’t know.

"If you fell down yesterday, stand up today."

- H.G. Wells

I Screwed Up a Lot

There were (and still are) plenty of times where I was in a state of mania or depression, where I was a crappy Mom. My self esteem was so low that I made horrible relationship choices. I stayed in very abusive relationships, for way too long. Even though they were never physically harmed, I'm 100% positive that my choices caused them to have a distorted sense of what a healthy relationship looked like. Fortunately, they've learned from my mistakes.

Communicating with the Little Ones

Be honest with your kids! It's okay to tell children we're not well. They're going to notice anyway. On the other hand, it's not necessary (and can be detrimental) to give them too many details. They do not need to hear that you're feeling like hurting yourself, but it is OK to let them know you are feeling sad. Maybe a reassuring hug and a reminder of how much you're loved and needed, is just the therapy you haven’t realized you need.

Allow them to develop as individuals. One thing I love about myself is my open mind. I realize it can be an asset to parenting. My children are wonderful adults now inn part, because I allowed them to grow on their own. I didn't choose faith or politics for them. I didn't force a particular music or clothing style. I introduced them to as much as I could then let them decide for themselves. They are confident because they grew up with the gift of free will. There were many times I had to "guide" them in a safe direction but for the most part, they made logical, safe and moral decisions for themselves. Trust them and teach them to trust themselves. (Try not to project your own self-image or issues on them!)

Therapy for Your Children

Sometimes, you must suggest to your children that an unbiased opinion (and ear) would benefit them greatly. Having a mentally ill parent is very difficult for a child. Believe it or not, they tend to feel like the parent themselves, if you're not careful. Again, don't punish yourself, just get them some help and reassure them that you will be OK. You are taking care of yourself and they need to enjoy being a kid. A therapist can teach them coping skills if they need them and reassure them that it is not their fault.

Practice Self-Control

The most difficult part of all this; the parenting, illness, life in general, is maintaining self-control. It is vital that we control our anger. Control our actions and reactions. I know it seems impossible at times but, it's not. It will take time. You will backslide and you may need outside help. You will be stronger sometimes and not others. Do whatever you need to in order to maintain control of yourself. Take just 5 minutes alone if you must. Call a friend. Call a babysitter.

Maintaining control of yourself is so important in protecting your children. I tell you this because I've been there. I have lost control and sometimes, when I get overly stressed or triggered, I still do. If you want to feel regret, not controlling yourself is the fastest way to get there.

It's Never Too Late to Start

Anytime is a good time to start. Better late than never.... make the changes you need to be a better version of yourself. Give your kids the best future you can, by giving them the best present you’re capable of. Remember that the relationships that they experience now, will reflect in their future ones.

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