Pain

The cold and sharp pain of a razor against skin was the only thing that kept me sane. I was young, too young to feel like I was worth nothing. I was in 7th grade when I first picked up the razor blade from my step-dad's toolbox. I knew my intention and I was going to do it. The girls in my 6th grade class did it—it had to be cool, right? Oh, how wrong I was. I was naive, broken, distraught. I felt like I deserved the pain when I knew I didn’t. Most people would've said that I was looking for attention—oh, how wrong they were. I did everything in my power to hide it from everyone, especially my parents, and the thigh was the most ideal spot, easily hidden by pants.

This went on for a few more years, on and off. It was definitely a setback in my everyday life and it started to affect me in school as well. My grades never dropped tremendously, but I no longer had a smile on my face, I didn't want to talk to my friends, I wanted to be alone. Then in 9th grade, my parents started to take us to church again. It had been a couple of years since we last went, and I can honestly say I was changing. I started to listen to the music of gospel and to the words of the sermon and I actually believed. I started to read the word and it was my safe haven. I finally felt like I was loved by someone, that someone being Jesus.

Hurting myself mentally and physically was a huge setback. If I hadn’t started going to church, I don't think I would've stopped. I wouldn’t have learned a lesson that I will follow until the day I die. The lesson that I learned was something I found on my own accord. Bible verse, Revelation 21:4, was my salvation, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain. All the old ways are gone.” I learned that I was loved and wanted and someone was always watching over me. I no longer felt like I had to cut myself. I didn’t stop right away, however. It was an addiction, and it isn’t easily stopped right away. I took me a few more months to actually stop. Even then, I still thought about it whenever I saw a razor. Now, it's been three years since I last cut myself. I still think about cutting myself, but having power over yourself is a strong thing to have. I make sure I go do something I love so I won't cut myself. Listening to gospel and being with my friends is definitely a huge help.

I also think about the kids I met in Honduras, the 12 kids in an orphanage. They were nothing but happy to live life. Even when they had nothing, they loved life. Going on that mission was a huge life changer. It opened my eyes and my heart. It made me focus on someone that needs love, but they also showed me love back. When I was helping them, they were helping me in more ways than they know. I learned that love is the best remedy for anything. Love is what I learned from my setback and now, I show others love. Being kind to everyone is a huge key in life. You don’t know what they are going through or what they went through. Anything could make a person break or could heal them. Show love and not hate. It could save someone when they want to break.