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Overthinking Rant

by Paulus 2 years ago in anxiety

Fears that come to my head on a day to day basis

At every stage of an individual's life, there comes times when outside factors/possibilities come to play. Some of these are totally understandable and logical, others are things that are anxiety inducing or will lead you into situations that cause you to overthink.

Like myself, I am someone's older brother, someone's son, someone's boyfriend, and it's these factors that make me overthink. I overthink because that's who I am, if that's logical- I'm not sure. Is it healthy? Probably not. But for some reason it's just how my brain works.

I entered a relatively new relationship (seven months) and my first one since entering University. And I don't know if this is a common thought amongst all of us in the dating field. But I do genuinely wonder if she's still interested, if she's cheating, if she wants a future with me and I have all of these thoughts circulating around my head like a track star on his 300th lap. Some may say ask, why not just ask? See here's where it gets complicated. I've asked "If she's happy with me?" and questions like that and she reassures me that she is happy and loves me. But there's this twisted part of me that doesn't believe that like I should. She hasn't given me any reason to not believe her. But there's that part of me that's saying "You're not good enough." or "She deserves better." And maybe she does.

Additionally, I have a younger sister and I always have the major fear that she'll get hurt (emotionally, physically, mentally)- the same can be said about my girlfriend. People always tell me "Oh, he's just being a good brother/Partner." But to what extent can I be a good brother/partner? My sister and I live in different cities, so it can be difficult trying to contact one another. But living in the bigger city has made me garner new fears that I didn't expect could happen. For instance, human trafficking/sex crimes; my sister and girlfriend are intelligent in their own right, don't get me wrong. But ever since I moved away from my sister, I started seeing stories and instances where these things are occurring and that's just a wild thought to have.

Furthermore, another trait of me is that I'm very impatient. Currently, I'm a manager at a retail store. But as I go through University, I want to find a career that caters to my degree. (Because I paid thousands of dollars for it I might as well use it.) I have applied for multiple jobs in all various fields over the weekend. It is now Tuesday. And I'm stressing that no one wants me as a working candidate for their company. With this, my overthinking isn't as bad; part of me is able to visually see my emails and reassure me that it takes about two weeks to hear back from most employers. But there's still that voice that tells me "Hey, you suck. No one wants you." And that leads me down on a downward spiral where I picture myself as being homeless or having to struggle for the basic necessities or taking my girl out on a nice dinner date every now and then. These thoughts swing their heads around on me, even though I can see in my bank that financially wise- I can survive.

Funny as that's the words that's been pushing me along all this "I can survive." I tell myself every day "I can survive. I can survive. I can survive."

anxiety

Paulus

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