Overcoming Depression and Anxiety Through Sharing and Helping

I was, and still can be, a selfish person. I am an only child. I grew up rarely having to share things. I wasn’t given everything I wanted, but I rarely wanted for anything. I believe I was still a loving, compassionate kid, but I know I often put myself and my own desires ahead of anyone else’s. I also got bullied a lot because I didn’t like fighting back. I didn’t like the idea of hurting someone. I don’t know if that’s contradictory or not, but it feels like it was. I have changed and I am still changing.

When I decided to commit to living a positive, mindful life, I knew I had to make changes. I knew I had to be more giving than I had in the past. I was never one to avoid helping people, but I usually wouldn’t offer out right. Someone had to ask. Even then, I would consider whether or not I wanted to help in the specific way I was being asked. If it involved anything I didn’t care to do, I didn’t help. I made excuses. When it came to chores around the house I learned I could ignore them and my mom would do them out of frustration. I used this to live most of my life. I believed I had found the balance between doing the work and avoiding the work. I could do enough that I seemed to be a committed worker, but I only so far. There were times I went above and beyond. They only lasted as long as my enjoyment of the job did.

So, I knew I had to change. I offer to be an ear, to help, I send money if it is withing my means, I spend time trying to help others, and I work at paying attention so I may recognize someone in need. I look for those that I have the means to help. I would rather not get into specifics. This isn’t a humble brag story. It is me trying to share that living a positive life is made easier when we share ourselves with others. It is made easier when we do what we can to help. It also requires we recognize our limits. One can become addicted to the emotional high experienced when you help someone in need and they are grateful and return some positivity. It can become tempting to share every good deed with everyone you can because the praise is satisfying. I always feel awkward discussing what I do because I know that I would love to get the praise and compliments, but I don’t want it to be about those responses. I want it to be about sharing how we better ourselves when we try to better someone’s life. When we give a hand up or a hand out. My life feels right for the first time because I feel right being more compassionate and sharing my love, my gratitude, and my positivity.

I would like to tell you this is easy and simple. It is not. I have mental health issues that add to my difficulty. I am lucky that they are controllable and part of that process includes the very actions I am taking. I am trying to be mindful. I am trying to be positive. I share my gratitude because it is important that we acknowledge the gifts we receive from others and from life. The only truths I can provide are the choices I have made and continue to make. I can only share how those choices have impacted my life. The work to be done is in your hands and the path you choose is yours alone. I am not a health care professional nor a motivational speaker. I don’t share to earn a profit or claim I have knowledge that you cannot gain anywhere else. Some of what I have learned came from therapy and treatment. Some has come from friends and family. The rest I am discovering on my own… what works best for me.

What I have observed when discussing depression and anxiety with others who struggle with it is that most have a poor self-image. We can openly portray ourselves as intrinsically good people. It is how we want to be seen. I would like to say many of us have an image of ourselves of being unworthy, but not all. That isn’t what I have found once we get to the shadowy corners of our memories. That isn’t to say there aren’t others who struggle with these issues who view themselves as wholly good and happy, but yet can’t feel happy. I know that there are those who are just like this. I’m only saying those I have had conversations with have all expressed some form of disgust about themselves. They’ve all shared a negative view of who they are. Often, we have that shining example within our circle that we can’t seem to live up to. We don’t know their struggles. We forget that sometimes we put on a happy face and who’s to say they aren’t doing the same thing? These are only my thoughts through experiences. I do not want to dwell on these because I have not had enough interactions with those who share deeply. I will not claim or pretend that I know what any other person struggles with… even if they’ve shared with me.

I bring up this observation because I want to show that we have as much in common as we don’t have in common. I want to show that we can spend any amount of time trying to relate someone’s experiences to our own, but if that is all the further we are willing to go, we can miss what the true struggles are. Is it so hard to just help someone without the need to understand how they feel? We can be empathetic, without having to know why they feel a certain way. I believe in time, if we choose the path of assistance and positivity, it can lead to understanding the source of their struggle or pain. It may help them understand it better. I believe if we take what we learn from each other, we can learn what steps work best for us. We can begin to see what we need to change and what is worth working towards. Regardless, the first step will always be shedding negativity and learning to be present.

This brings me back to my selfish side. I realize that may not be something everyone has experienced. I know so many who have been kind and giving and suffering with depression. I know they often find their kindness abused. The answer isn’t to stop being kind. It isn’t to stop doing for others. Focus on how much better it feels when you help someone. How that love can overcome most negativity. This is how they take advantage. This is where we have to understand being mindful. Once I felt I had a reasonable grasp of being mindful, I was able to recognize my own behaviors that led me to negative reactions. I was able to see what many refer to as “triggers”. This isn’t a negative word, though it has been twisted by the thoughtless and ignorant to be so. Triggers are what we learn to recognize as things that cause us to react poorly. It causes us to give in to negativity and feeds the depression and anger. I know there is a better, more precise definition, but this is how I best understand it.

I have shared thoughts on mindfulness before. I suggest discovering some books that can better describe the process than I can. What I can tell you is that it does work. If you learn it and work at practicing it, you learn to stop trying to change the unchangeable. You learn to stop trying to control what you cannot control. You can learn to accept these truths and move on. That means learning to remain present. I have found that the more I practice mindfulness, the easier it is for me to stay present and avoid dwelling on an unchangeable past or worrying about an unpredictable future. It has made it easier for me to set a goal and work towards it each day. I take that day and focus on what needs to be done on that day only. I know what my goal is at the end of the path, but if allow myself to look so far ahead, it can be easy for me to trip on something I would have noticed had I stayed in the moment… in the present. I believe this can work no matter our hardships, though I have to admit I do not consider anything I have suffered to have been insurmountable. We must also not lose site that there are others who have so much more to overcome; People who struggle more than we do. That also requires us to be present. Even so, it cannot be viewed as a comparison. It doesn’t make anyone’s mental health struggles more or less significant.

Is there value in reviewing how we got to the present? I believe so, yes. That isn’t the same as dwelling on it. It is more like checking our work. See the mistake, make note, and learn how to avoid it later. It isn’t worth spending time trying to guess our path to an outcome if we had avoided the mistake at that time. We didn’t avoid it and we are here now. It doesn’t matter where we might have been. It only matters where we want to go and what we can do now that will put us in the right direction, on the right path. I wish this were as easy as me telling you word for word what you must do, but I cannot. This was always your journey. The best anyone can do is try to give you tools that will work for you and show you how we’ve used those tools to find our own paths. As much as the world seems to give us the impression someone can lead us to the way, I do not believe that to be true. I believe that we must find our way and those who hold our a hand are helping us over that next step until we are able to walk on our own. Then there will be times that another hand is needed or that we need to stop and reach out our own hand. This, I believe is how we can find happiness. Think of it as keeping our hands out to help, but also to accept help when we need it. I can only confirm that my life is better the more I have given, the more I have helped, and the more I have chosen to share love over trying to control everything.