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Only in my head.

by Jack Kirwood about a month ago in depression

Written by Jack Kirwood

Photo by Daria Shevtsova from Pexels

I was asleep, peaceful and mindful. Than my mind became full.

Full of the memories that litter my mind like broken hollow trees.

Reminiscing missing you so very much. It's worse now that i can't even feel your loving touch.

I'll never be able to hear your voice sing, siren songs that would make me so very heavy hearted.

Within my dreams i saw you there, by my side, holding hands, sharing an ice cream watching the children playing dancing and singing.

I remembered all the beautiful times we shared, until the black cloud hovered over. Death was lingering behind the door and lost souls beneath our floor. Within the walls lay the shadows of the fallen, never to be woken.

Within my dreams i see you there laughing and smiling. You said i was your world, you said you loved me.

When I am asleep I see you there, every time. I can feel death luring me, taunting me. Just as it did you...

I thought i could hear your calming voice, whispering into my ear. Blissful, peaceful sweet nothings.

I thought i could feel the soft touch of your lips. Beautiful and warm hearted.

I thought i could fill your void with foiled fake flowers, flatteringly you fall.

But now i know.

But now i know.

That your gone...

And that the things i thought were true were nothing more than a psychotic delusion. There is no solution. There is no salvation left for you here. Empirically martyred, by the hands of your own.

But now i know.

But now i know.

That your gone...

I thought i could hear you whispering in my ear. Although now i know. that you were screaming into thin air. Begging, crying, dying. Laughing as your love is smothering and your knife is dragging itself across my thoughts, exhausting the force behind those dreadful meaningful flying fist fights.

I thought i could feel the soft tender touch of your lips. But rather i feel you stabbing my hips. As the ships sail solemnly surely to the shore. I know that another day will dawn and another tear to shred as i find your lifeless body in the shed.

I thought i could fill the void in my heart, but now i know, yea now i know that everything and everyone comes to an end. For now my dreams saw you cut open your seams without a single scream and your sutures because you doubted our futures.

Grasping onto my anti-psychotics, i feel you leaving, i don't want you to leave, stay here, don't go, at least i see you in my sleep. Now i don't, and your gone forever never to be seen. I feel your noose choking me, as you were my life without you i have nothing left. So i follow you into the depths of the unknown only known is that this life wasn't meant for us. Until death do us apart. I tried to slaughter the things that harmed your laughter. But rather it just opened a new disaster. Isolated and alone forever lonely I know my day has come to an end.

I saw you in my dreams, I saw you in my sleep. I saw you in the little things, in the coffee that you used to smell of. In the dinner that never tasted as good as yours. Our unborn children we always dreamed of will never know the touch of sun light, how you giggled during every stupid little thing i said. How you felt warm and loved. How you knew just how to mend my heavy heart.

But now i know.

But now i know.

That your gone.


Jack Kirwood

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