One Secret

‘How do I explain everything to Lara when I don’t understand it myself? She’s going to be so pissed at me, I promised and now all I want to do is bail. Why is it so hard to talk about it? Why do I do it when I feel so ashamed? Why is it the only thing I feel I have any control over, I don’t really, because I can’t stop’

Unable to straighten out her tumultuous thoughts Zoe left of the cinema and started walking. Without conscious decision she found her way to Astrid’s gallery.

Astrid’s smile was as friendly and welcoming as she remembered. ‘Hey you. I was about to lock up, but I’ve still got half a pot of coffee out the back, want to help me finish it.’

‘I don’t want to stop you locking up,’ said Zoe.

‘Don’t be silly, the coffee needs to be finished, and I decide my own hours.’

‘If you’re sure,’ said Zoe hesitantly.

Astrid smiled, ‘How do you have it?’

‘White and one.’

‘Back in a sec.’

Handing Zoe a mug, Astrid sat on the bench next to her, ‘What brings you here at this time of night?’

‘I was on a date and bailed.’

‘That bad huh?’

‘The date wasn’t the problem.’

Astrid drank her own coffee while, waiting for Zoe to continue.

‘I’ve promised to tell my best friend everything and I just don’t think I can.’

‘Why did you say you’d tell her then?’

‘She saw these,’ Zoe pulled up the sleeve exposing the two freshly scabbed over parallel cuts. Astrid shifted her gaze from Zoe’s exposed secret to her miserable expression. ‘And the guy?’

Zoe sighed, ‘I’ve probably blown that, which bites because he was cute. This whole thing is ruining my life and I can’t seem to stop it. And how do I tell Lara about it?’

Astrid held Zoe’s pleading gaze, ‘Tell her what you can.’

‘It’s not that simple,’ protested Zoe, shame rising through her, tears threatening to spill.

‘It never is,’ Astrid’s voice got softer, ‘Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.’

‘What if she doesn’t understand?’ Zoe swallowed, forcing the tears away.

‘You don’t understand,’ pointed out Astrid.

Zoe studied the dark swirls in her cup made from agitating the dregs from the bottom, ‘What if she thinks I’m crazy or something?’

‘Are you?’ Astrid asked simply.

‘Maybe,’ she shrugged. ‘I’m cutting myself, that’s probably not high on the list of normal things to do.’

‘Probably not, but you’re not the only one.’

Handing the mug to Astrid, Zoe stood, ‘Thanks for the coffee but I gotta go.’

She was almost at the door when Astrid spoke. ‘I did it because I hurt so deeply inside and wanted not to. Hurting my body used to stop me thinking about that pain. For a while.’

Zoe stopped, but didn’t turn, tears tracking down the side of her nose. ‘It hurts, I don’t know why. I have friends, I even have a best friend, the sort that would help you bury a body.’

‘That’s a special kind of friend,’ agreed Astrid.

Zoe turned to face Astrid, wiping away the tears and the snot as she took two steps forward. ‘She is and I can’t tell her any of this. My life isn’t so bad and yet I feel not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. That I’m not going to be successful enough’

‘That’s a lot of responsibility to take upon yourself, especially at your age.’

‘That’s the whole point. If I can’t cope now, how am I going to cope outside of school? If I feel the pressure so much now what’s it going to be like when I have to do important things?’

Studying the teenager, Astrid weighed up her next words, ‘I’m not about to tell you everything gets better out of high school, that would be hypocritical, I didn’t cut until I was in my twenties.’

‘But you stopped?’ asked Zoe.

Astrid nodded.

‘I wish I could. I want to stop, but the urge gets so strong and I have to do it again. I cut when I feel too much and I cut when I feel nothing. Cutting gives me control when I feel out of control, but I know I can’t keep going on like this.’ Zoe’s frustration was clear.

‘At the moment,’ said Astrid, ‘All you can do is take one day at a time.’

‘One day at a time seems to be getting on top of me.’

Astrid gently turned Zoe’s face so they were looking at each other. ‘Then take one hour at a time. Don’t be so hard on yourself.’

A thumping sound echoed around them. They looked up to see Lara getting ready to hit the door again. As soon as Astrid had unlocked the door, Lara shoved it open roughly pushing Astrid slightly off balance.

‘Here you are!’ The words came out in an annoyed, explosive breath.

‘How did you find me?’ Zoe wondered out loud.

‘I got lucky, but that doesn’t matter,’ dismissed Lara, striding over to her friend. ‘What were you thinking running off like that?’

‘I’m sorry for messing up your date with Owen.’ Zoe tried to meet her friend’s eyes to apologize, but couldn’t.

‘Screw that. This is about you.’ Lara crossed her arms over her chest, the fury in her gaze almost blistering Zoe’s skin.

Astrid stood equidistance from both girls and spoke quietly. ‘I think you should relax a little.’

‘I think you should stay out of this,’ snapped Lara.

‘I’m sorry Lara, I really am, but I just had to get out of there.’

Zoe’s apology pulled Lara’s focus. ‘Did Connor do something?’

‘It was nothing like that.’ Zoe collapsed back onto the bench. ‘What did he say?’

‘What do you think he said? We thought you’d gone to the loo. I didn’t realize how long you’d been gone until the movie finished and I noticed you hadn’t come back.’ Lara’s voice softened as she sat. ‘Going off like that, something could have happened to you.’

‘I don’t know what else to say.’

‘You could tell me what’s really going on.’

Zoe sighed.

‘I’ll be around if you need me Zoe,’ said Astrid.

‘I’m her best friend, what does she need you for?’ Lara wanted to know.

Zoe looked at her best friend and mumbled sadly, ‘She understands.’

‘What does she understand that I don’t?’ Lara demanded.

‘This.’ Zoe pushed up her sleeve and held out her scarred arm, forcing herself to watch the expressions of betrayal and confusion slide across Lara’s face.

‘You told her when you went out of your way to hide it from me?’ Lara’s voice was full of hurt.

‘I didn’t have to explain anything to her,’ Zoe said quietly.

‘But we were always supposed to be honest with each other,’ Lara said quietly.

‘How can I tell you that sometimes I hurt so much the only thing that makes me feel better is cutting myself? Or sometimes, when it gets on top of me, I close off because I can’t take it anymore, and I feel so numb, like I’m not really alive, and so I cut myself just to feel, just to know that I’m still here.’

‘But that...’ Lara struggled to find the words.

Zoe filled them in for her. ‘Doesn’t make sense. How can one person feel too much one day and nothing the next? How do I explain that I feel so out of control in my own life, that I cut simply so I have something where I feel I get to choose. That’s why I couldn’t tell you. I don’t understand it, how could I expect you to?”

‘But you said she does,’ Lara’s tone was full of accusation.

‘I understand as much as anyone can,’ said Astrid walking passed with a painting she’d swapped out of the window display.

‘How?’ Lara asked.

Unbothered by Lara’s tone, Astrid said calmly, ‘Because I’ve been there.’

‘You cut yourself?’ asked Lara, confused.

‘I used to,’ Astrid nodded.

‘I don’t get it,’ said Lara.

‘I knew you wouldn’t,’ mumbled Zoe.

Lara glared at her friend, then continued, ‘I don’t get how she saw the cuts and I didn’t. I see you almost every day.’

‘I rarely cut my arms any more, it’s easier to hide my legs.’

Astrid finished with the picture she was hanging, ‘I’ll be out the back if you need me.’

Lara looked uncertain, ‘If you being here helps Zoe, maybe you should stay.’

‘If that’s what you both want.’ When the girls nodded she dragged a chair over to where they were sitting.

Zoe stared at the floor waiting for Lara to start.

Closing her eyes, Lara took a breath before looking at her friend. ‘How long have you been doing this?’

‘Months,’ Zoe answered. ‘I don’t remember exactly. It was winter, I could wear long sleeves, no-one knew.’

Lara faced Astrid. ‘If I shake her hard enough will it knock some sense into her?’

‘You could try. The day my best friend found out she threatened to beat the crap out of me if I ever did it again.’

‘Whose side are you on?’ Zoe protested.

‘If anyone knows how to unlock what’s going on in your head it’s probably her.’ Astrid smiled.

Lara looked stunned.

The older woman continued, ‘Lara, you need to understand, Zoe wanted to tell you, but didn’t know how.’

‘She can tell me anything,’ said Lara, ‘She should know that.’ She moved, pulling her friend in for a tight hug.

‘We’ll figure it out,’ Lara promised, swiping at her own tears.

‘It’s going to take a little getting used to,’ said Astrid, ‘But now you’ve told someone you won’t have to deal with it alone.’

Zoe’s eyes narrowed with suspicion. ‘You’re not going to suggest I see a shrink or something?’

‘Would you go if I did?’ asked Astrid.

‘No,’ said Zoe. ‘I’d have to tell my parents.’

‘So what would be the point in mentioning it?’ asked Astrid. ‘A professional could help you work through some things, but if it’s not an option on the table, we work with what we’ve got.’

‘And you’ve got us,’ said Lara, smiling.

Zoe tentatively returned the smile.

‘Let’s get you home, and promise me there’ll be no more of that tonight,’ she touched Zoe’s arm lightly.

Zoe nodded. She was fairly certain she was just going to go home and crash.

‘I’ll keep my phone right by my bed all night,’ said Lara.

‘I’m not going to do anything stupid overnight,’ Zoe protested, feeling a bit of fight coming back.

Lara simply raised an eyebrow and tilted her head in the direction of Zoe’s arm.

Zoe shook her head sheepishly. ‘Okay, any more stupid. It’s not something I have the urge to do every hour of the day.’

‘I’ll take your word for that and if you’re lying I’ll kick your arse. Everything else I vote we leave until tomorrow. You can come to mine and we’ll figure out what to do next.’

‘You make it sound so easy,’ said Zoe.

‘If it was easy you wouldn’t need me, you would’ve figured it out yourself,’ Lara was smiling her familiar smile.

Astrid handed Lara a card. ‘Just in case, it’s the number for here and my mobile.’

Lara slid it into the back pocket of her jeans and linked her arm with Zoe’s as they walked to the door. ‘We’ll do this one step at a time sister.’