One Secret

THOUGHTS

She sits

In the same place she has sat

Every night for as long as she can remember

The moon is full tonight

She admires its beauty

As it appears from behind the clouds

Full and silver

So close

She feels she could reach out and touch it

Not tonight, she stills her hand

She doesn’t want the dream to shatter

Not while she feels so safe

The night is her refuge

The place she goes

To hide from the day

Where she can be herself

Do the things she wants to do

Dream the dreams she wants to dream

The chill breeze wraps around her

Creeping through her fingers

Into her blood

Clouds drift in front of the moon

She curls up in the chair

Waiting to be found

As she walked out of class Zoe wished she could take back her work. It was stupid to have put so much of herself out there. Standing at her locker, someone shoved into her causing the door to slam onto her wrist. Biting back a swear word, she blinked away unbidden tears.

‘Why didn’t you say anything to them?’

The closeness of the quiet voice startled Zoe. Heat crept up her neck and into her face. She wanted to vanish into nothingness. Connor had seen it, and she was mortified.

Plastering on a smile she turned, ‘What would be the point?’

‘I’ve seen them, they make it hell for you.’

Zoe shrugged, ‘Only some days.’

‘Still makes them dicks,’ he said.

Zoe choked on a laugh. ‘And they’ll probably be dicks till they die.’

‘Probably,’ he smiled. ‘See you Saturday.’

She watched him leave desperately hoping her face wasn’t as neon red as it felt.

Lying on her bed Zoe studied Astrid’s painting. The play of light in the piece seemed to face down the creeping shadows. The woman, half of herself in each world, looking towards the light, yet somehow still trapped in the darkness. Picking up a notebook and pen, she started writing.

No one knows. Except her. How did she figure it out? How do I tell others? I feel like I just don’t belong. It hurts. I feel all twisted up. I sit here, trying to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I find it hard to breathe as tension builds. I feel the coolness of the metal as I hold the blade in my hand. It seems to fit so comfortably. I feel the bite as the blade pierces my flesh. It’s a sharp pain. I pull the blade across my skin. Deep red follows silver as the blood wells from the trail I mark out.

Reading back over her words Zoe absently picks up a small pocket knife, with the blade open she begins twirling it through her fingers as others might a pen or a coin. Her actions then mirroring the words she’d written.

‘Why is your door locked?’ Lara’s shouting was punctuated by her banging on the door. Grabbing a tissue Zoe wiped the blood off her arm before pulling her sleeve down. Quickly shoving her journal into her drawer she messed some homework across her desk. Lara hammered on the door again.

Zoe reached for the lock. As Lara burst into her room she said, ‘Anyone would think it was a matter of life or death.’

Lara collapsed on the bed. ‘You should be glad it wasn’t, I would’ve died. You’re not wearing that are you?’

Zoe sighed and started rummaging through her closet for a top that would get Lara off her back. She wasn’t really listening as Lara criticized every celebrity whose image popped up on her Instagram account. She finally settled on the shirt Lara suggested in the first place. Watching her friend out of the corner of her eye she quickly changed. Lara was ignoring her, continuing with her critiquing run down.

Pulling down the half sleeves as far as she could, Zoe tried covering the faint scars on her arms, as well as the fresh cut. The old scars were barely visible but that didn’t stop her thinking someone would see and know. Astrid had. The fresh cut was her biggest concern, not as far up her arm as normal, she was feeling a little uneasy about what would happen if Lara noticed it.

When Lara’s tirade stopped for a breath Zoe struck a pose, ‘You happy now?’ she asked. Lara looked up and gave her another quick once over, ‘Much better, see that wasn’t so hard.’

Relieved, Zoe reached for her jacket. The timing was all wrong. Lara looked up from her screen, mouth open to say something and her grin instantly disappeared. Dropping the jacket, Zoe pulled her arm back.

Lara was too fast, grabbing Zoe’s arm, yanking her forward, ‘What the hell is this?’ Lara’s grip was too strong for Zoe to pull out of, ‘It’s nothing.’

Lara pulled harder causing Zoe to stumble. ‘Bullshit that’s nothing.’

Yanking her arm free Zoe said, ‘It’s nothing important.’

‘Don’t lie to me.’ Lara was almost shouting.

‘Keep your voice down?’ Zoe pleaded. ‘You’ll bring my mother up.’

‘That might be a good thing.’

Zoe changed tactics, ‘We’re going to be late.’

Lara’s glare silenced her, ‘We’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.’

Zoe opened her mouth, but Lara cut her off, ‘The boys can bloody well wait. I knew something was off, I just figured you’d eventually get around to telling me.’ Lara’s tone changed from angry to hurt. ‘Obviously I was wrong.’

‘I don’t want to do this right now,’ said Zoe, as she started to the door.

‘That’s too damn bad.’ Lara got there first, barring the way. ‘I won’t watch me best friend go down some twisted road to self-destruction. I won’t have you killing yourself.’

‘I’m not going to kill myself,’ Zoe insisted.

Pushing away from the door Lara grabbed Zoe’s arm again. ‘What the hell is this then?’

Zoe tried being blasé about it, ‘Scars from cutting myself.’

‘If you’re not trying to kill yourself, why are you cutting yourself like this? Tell me what’s going on.’ Falling back against the door Lara folded her arms again.

‘You won’t understand,’ said Zoe quietly.

‘Try me.’

‘I can’t.’ The tears began to well. Zoe tried to blink them away.

‘I thought we told each other everything,’ Lara’s voice softened.

Shaking her head sadly Zoe said, ‘I didn’t know how to tell you about this.’

Lara pulled out her mobile phone.

‘What are you doing?’ asked Zoe.

Lara looked at her incredulously. ‘I’m cancelling our date, the guys can go see something without us.’

‘No,’ Zoe protested.

‘Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t.’

‘I don’t want you to.’

‘Normally I can’t say no to you, but this time...’ Lara shook her head.

Zoe’s voice was edged with desperation, ‘We have to go out tonight. If we don’t my parents will think something is wrong’

‘Something is wrong,’ said Lara pointedly.

Zoe couldn’t meet her eyes, ‘I can’t tell them.’

‘Not good enough.’

‘I’ll tell you. After.’

Lara’s eyes narrowed. ‘Everything?’

‘Everything,’ Zoe finally met her friend’s eyes, and nodded slowly.

‘Pinky swear?’ Lara held her hand out.

‘We haven’t done that since we were twelve.’

Lara looked deliberately at her phone.

‘Fine, pinky swear.’ Zoe caved in, reluctantly interlocking her little finger with Lara’s, her friend’s steady gaze not leaving hers.