One of many..

So if you have been keeping up with my blogs you already know i was hurt very badly by someone. I haven't yet said who it was so i guess i'll do that now. The person who hurt me and left me permanently scarred both physically and emotionally, was someone who i was supposed to be the safest with. I'm sure this is the same for a lot of you that the ones that were supposed to protect us were the ones that hurt us the most. Mine was my father. As you would assume this did a lot of damage to me. A girl's father is an integral part of her life. He's supposed to make her feel safe and make sure she knows her worth. He's supposed to look out for her and make sure that when she's old enough she knows how to protect herself from people who would want to hurt her,,hurt her the way he did..Unfortunately my dad was not my hero but the villain in my story. With that said to be honest he betrayed a trust I didn't have because my trust in men had already been exploited years earlier. Today isn't the story of my father and his awful choices alas we have another. My story really began at the age of four..So let's go back to roughly 1995 because I was so small the details on certain things are a little fuzzy but nonetheless. There was a family friend named Wayne who would watch me and my brother when my parents had to go places or work. I'm not sure which. I don't know how he came into our lives or who he was. I just know one day he was there. Obviously now i can see things that i couldn't then but at first things seemed okay. Then slowly he would start asking me to wear certain things and sit on his lap all the time or he would want to be alone with me in a bedroom. He didn't live inside the house my grandparents had a camper parked in the driveway that's where he stayed. One day he invited me out there and told me some story about how his wife and daughter hated him and so on which I know now was a red flag but then didn't make much sense to me. It then progressed to making me kiss him and all i remember is my face hurting because of his beard. I don't want to give details of the next couple events but after a while he was putting his hands where they didn't belong and showing me things a four year old should never see. Then it felt like as fast as he showed up he left one day he was just gone and i never saw him again. My mind was really messed up for a while after that, right and wrong got jumbled quite a bit. as you can imagine i was scared and wanted to forget so i never told anyone..well until i was 11 years old and was still having nightmares about it. My mom was in the bathtub and I was in the bathroom with her. She was showing me how to shave my legs and I just spit it out. Funny thing though she didnt say im sorry or ask me if i was okay all she said to me was dont tell your father. I guess i was silly for expecting a different reaction. Little did i know then that that would end up being a theme for her. So I walked out and did what I was told until years later when i did finally tell my father and the way that went wasn't expected either..but that's a story for another day. Even with all that do you wanna know the worst part? One day while I was in high school I was reading the paper and low and behold I saw his name and photo attached to an article saying he had done the same thing to someone else. To my cousin actually. The guilt I felt hit me so hard I just went to the side door of my house to go outside for a breath of air and I just wept. If only I had said something when it happened I could have spared her maybe others that we didn't know about. It still hurts to this day and I will regret it until the day I die.