NOWHERE TO RUN

Do you know this constant emptiness feeling, with which it does not matter what place on earth are you and with whom you still carry it inside you?

In my last years I am walking in the dark, I am broken with exhausting battle, constant disappointment, and slow progression of losing myself. I am not able to break it and escape. I feel as weak as ever. I feel like I am not there anymore but at the same time, constant pain reminds me I am here and rushes me to make a decision which way to go. How to make the right decision, if you are so close to the bottom, when you do not have the power to handle more and the whole joy of living is gone. Where do you seek answers and help, if you see that you do not belong to the world you live in?

I always needed someone to look up to, I am still always desperately looking for someone I will admire and rely on. Looking for that perfect, pure authority. I had a dream, goal, and imagination. I know you will say “we all had” and I agree but there are people who can adjust and no matter what they keep going. I am one of these who cannot. I feel like I am standing alone, different, and lost. On one hand introvert and on the other extrovert. On one hand, crying baby and on the other hand, a warrior. On one hand, coward and on the other hand, unstoppable, brave woman but most of all, loving with a whole heart human and on the other hand, filled with hate and lack of forgiveness.

I miss a feeling that I can do whatever I want, that I can achieve everything I am working hard for. I used to believe that life is good, that people are caring and loving, and that what you’re giving will come back to you, but here I am discovering a real life, where no matter what you are going to do you will hit a wall. I went through a lot. However, I still consider myself a lucky person. I am aware that there are so many people suffering without hope for the future. I always dreamt to be one of these people who will be able to help them, who will give a tiny spark of joy and hope to their life. That is why I am even more disappointed with myself and with my current state of mind. I feel like I have nothing to give, that I am giving up on everything.

There is an evil power in the world, and we live in illusion. They want us to think that we matter that we can change anything. What we do not see is that we all are lost souls fighting with each other. The more you know, the more conscious you are, the less happy you are. There is nothing worse than feeling powerless, than being just an observant who has no influence on anything. They keep telling us “if you want it you can do it”. We are surrounded by egocentric people who are considered more about the way they look than what is happening in the world. Most people don’t do good things anymore for the right reason. They’re doing it to show themselves and to promote themselves. Education does not matter anymore and your heart does not matter anymore. What matters is how your face looks and how well you create your perfect life on social media. When you turn off your mobile you can be suicidal but what is important is that you will look good when the camera is on.

Show me how to live! Give me a sign and I will follow. For now, I am signing off from that society.