I've been having these strange thoughts lately. I wonder what is real, if any of it is, and what is not.
When I sleep, I find myself in a long dusty hallway. The wooden floor can be seen through the threadbare carpet. I carefully step forward, as if afraid. Inside, I wonder what I should fear and the answer is nothing. The further I wander down this unending hall, the more afraid I feel.
The shadows begin creeping. Their eyes following my every move as I cautiously step again. It begins to feel colder and whatever light I have starts to dim. I find myself bound by the chains of insecurity and the suddenness startles me. So transfixed by this inexplicable fear, I shut my eyes tight and repeat to myself "It's nothing". The more I say it the less I can move. It reaches a point I'm screaming but then I wake up.
During the day is much worse than the night. I move through the motions as if in a daze. I go to work and smile. It is a mask required for the days. As I ring up items at the register, I ignore the other sounds. Sometimes, I hear a pitiful sobbing from a broken heart. Other times, it is screaming and the shattering of glass. The most distracting is the begging. It is so heartrending that I might seek it out to offer comfort to the poor soul. It always seems so close, but I can never locate the source. It is maddening as I remind myself that it's nothing.
After a horrendous workday, I have to attend my classes at night. It leaves me exhausted as I once again explain to my teachers that I just finished work. Their curious and pitying stares make me want to leave. I distract myself with reading and note-taking. I try to ignore the whispers behind me as the room begins to distort. A static fills my ears and I wonder how the others in the room can't hear it. I inhale deeply and close my eyes before exhaling. Slowly. Steadily. And I repeat in my head that it's nothing.
Once classes have ended, one of my teachers signals me over. Begrudgingly, I walk over to him.
"Is everything okay?" he asks wearing a mask of concern, "I noticed you seemed more distracted than usual today. Do you need to talk about something?"
I sigh internally and again don the smiling mask I've come to loath, "It was only a long day at work today since I didn't sleep well last night."
His expression turns doubtful and I wonder if I messed up, "Are you sure? If you need help, you know you can talk to me or any of your other teachers."
Again, I flash him a smile and give a soft laugh as if I'm fine, "I'm just tired today so don't worry. It's nothing."
Once I'm allowed to leave, I head straight home. It is a quiet little place inherited from my family. I heave a tired sigh as I look over the wooden walls in desperate need of dusting. The bright green carpet is barely there as I step into the living room with a broken window covered by a sturdy plastic sheet to keep out most of the wind. The once sand colored couch is now a darker brown with some darker stains here and there.
I ignore the couch as I head for the kitchen with creaking floorboards and a noisy old fridge. The sink holds a few dirty dishes and there is a bowl of molded fruit in the center of the small wood table. That can be taken care of later as I look in the fridge for some leftovers. There isn't much, but there never is. Tomorrow, I will take care of it.
After some food, I make my way to the dusty wooden hallway that seems endless. There are no decorations to give any life or warmth to the place. It doesn't matter as I enter the first room on the right. Inside is a couple of worn out rugs near a sturdy wooden bed. The walls, once a lovely white, are now a dull gray. I drop my school bag in the doorway and kick the door shut. Without bothering to change clothes, I collapse onto the lumpy, musty mattress and close my eyes. My final thought as darkness takes me is "I'm nothing".
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