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Not Quite Pillow-Talk

Talking is hard, or at least it is for me. I wrote this to convince myself to talk to someone when I needed it.

By Jinx FarrahPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full, my body loved, and my soul is understood.” – Anonymous

I know you don’t want to talk. I know that it feels like as soon as the words start to slip off your tongue into the air the ground will open-up and swallow you whole. Your heart feels like it will simultaneously contract until it’s nothing and explode inside of you. You can’t breathe. Cracked lips hold secrets, peeling and breaking and bleeding to keep them in. Swallow them down, keep them warm in your stomach. Alive and well, they fester into your everyday, plaguing your every step with dread until your feet feel as heavy as led. But you just can’t bare to tell someone because you’re not weak. They won’t want to hear it. You can handle this on your own. You don’t even know how to start to talk. This too shall pass. That used to be my favorite saying until what I thought passed over me came back from the dead; it never passed away.

Some things can’t just pass. There is no amount of self-care or ignoring of reality that will free you from bleeds from your mind to your heart. Clot it then, you say, I would rather feel nothing at all. But that’s your problem. The body’s capacity to hold pain and anxiety is only so big. After neglect, the beams holding up your game-face will inevitably fall. There will be nothing left to hold you together. And you will be even more broken than before.

But no talking. I get it. But knowing someone knows, that they understand why you tick this way or say these things…it’s freeing. You stop look at everyone thinking that they don’t know, that they could never understand, because someone does. Someone gives a shit. The profound meaning of being understood is highly under-appreciated. We do not have to be mysteries. We can be people with story. We can be people of community. We are allowed to open up and let go. And the more you let someone else understand you, the more you open up yourself to understanding others. Your eyes open to see the world in full colour. And it’s so beautiful. Trust me, it’s the most disturbingly beautiful thing you’ll ever see. The air in your lungs enters more willingly. Tears come, but less heavy than they used to. Grey turns to blue, dark turns into sun. Do you remember the sky? How it took your breathe away in the best kind of way? I know you do. Don’t miss it again. Don’t let these fleeting moments become mere distant memories.

Because when your words hit the open air, the ground won't even shake. Your hands might. And that’s when you clasp them together and hold your own hand because you are not weak, you are one of the strongest people on earth because you have realized that being strong in yourself means giving someone permission to hold you up when your not even sure how to stand.

And yes, I know that people are not entirely loyal creatures. But that’s okay, too. People come and go, some will lie, some will die, and others will be entirely made of plastic words and smiles. But there are people who stay, who want to be in your corner. You know them. You won’t burden them. Also remember that people are never prefect. Don't use someone's flaws as reasoning to why you shouldn't trust them. But yes, be careful who you chose.

Holding on to a branch that’s about to break won’t save you. But maybe, just maybe, if you call to someone, they may be there to catch you when it snaps.

Be honest. Talk.

Hi there!

Hey! Thanks for reading. My hope for sharing this was to be honest. Talking to people is not my strength, especially when it comes to talking about life's challenges. If you felt like you needed to read this, I wrote this for you. You are allowed to talk and be honest. Best of luck my dear.

selfcare
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About the Creator

Jinx Farrah

I'm a positively cynical 18 year old college student who makes sense of their life through the 26 letters of the alphabet, rearranged into what I need them to say.

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