Nobody Likes Me, But Everyone Likes Me
Anxiety Controls My Life
I have anxiety. And not the kind of anxiety that doctors diagnose you with, because my brother has anxiety. He has anxiety and became suicidal. Because my brother has anxiety and became suicidal, my parents can’t stand the thought that another child of theirs has problems.
I have anxiety. When I’m with people, I have panic attacks because everyone is around me and they are all judging me, aren’t they? My clothes, my hair, how I carry myself. They judge me. And they are everywhere. I can't get away when I'm with people and I feel like I can't breathe, because I'm with people.
I have anxiety. When I’m alone, I have anxiety attacks, because everyone forgets about me. Everyone continues with their lives and doesn't bat an eye that I'm missing in action. Nobody cares that I’m not around and everyone continues their happy lives and I’m not there and it’s okay.
I have anxiety. Thinking about the future makes me break out in hives. I love what I’m doing in college. I enjoy both my majors, but I could be better. I break out in hives when I think about how nobody will want to hire an accountant who got a C in Cost Accounting or a C in Accounting Information Systems. The hives keep coming when I think that nobody will even want to hire me to code their computers because, heck, I’m not really the best at that either.
I have anxiety. I have to fight back the burning tears when I’m sitting in my class and my professor asks me why I don’t have any friends in my major. “There are two big cliques and they are all good kids. Why don’t you talk to them?” Because I don’t talk and they don’t listen. Because they formed their clique and get together to do homework and drink after class and I can hardly bring myself to say hello. Because they are all happy people and I am nowhere close to happy.
I have anxiety. I can't breathe when I think of a future with my boyfriend. He's a great guy and he loves me and I love him. But, I can't breathe because he doesn't understand my anxiety. He doesn't understand why I had a panic attack when we got into a fight and I thought I was going to lose him. He is a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have him, and the future means he may realize I'm not worth it, so I can't breathe.
I have anxiety. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings when I think about going downstairs to see my family and have everyone go about their day and not think twice about me. My brothers will bond over video games and my mom cleans the house and my dad is at work and I’m alone. I don't like getting out of bed, because it wouldn't really make a difference if I stayed in bed in the first place. I like to sleep. Taking naps is great, because it’s like not getting out of bed in the morning.
I have anxiety and I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace, because my parents don’t think I need help. People make me want to cry, but no people makes it worse. My future terrifies me. My professor doesn’t know why I don’t have friends. My boyfriend is too great of a guy to be stuck with someone like me. My family doesn’t even care to include me.
I have anxiety and there is nothing I can do about it, except try to cope and move on in this blur of a life.