No Rest for the Addicted

THE GIRL WITH MANY INTERESTS

The truth is I’ve always had myriad interests, collecting them like little tchotchkes throughout my youth and teenage years. In my early 20’s I occupied my time in pottery class, learning Reiki & yoga, discovering new bands and meeting new, interesting people. But then all of that interest and involvement eroded. Slowly over time my free time was being taken up exclusively by a new hobby - or shall I say habit: an increasingly unmanageable addiction to drugs.

In my earliest days of addiction the interests were still there. My drug habit was just another of my interests, a hobby I could pick up and look at from time to time like one of those tchotchkes. But soon the habit had overlapped into other areas in my life - like the tchotchke was glued to my hand and I couldn’t put it down; a tchotchke I was tethered to, taking it everywhere with me. I’d go to a pottery class - but high as a kite, taking constant breaks to refuel, sniffling as I made my way back to the kiln. I continued reiki but now practicing on my dealer as he tossed me free scraps.

Eventually 100% of my time was spent either doing drugs, in the pursuit of drugs or trying to rid myself of my drug addiction. The girl that had so many interests had turned into a woman with only one.

Addiction had highjacked my life. My purpose was singular: get high. Slowly I backed away from any commitment other than the commitment to my addiction. I’d replaced all of my friends with new friends who shared in my interest. I would become a woman with no desire except the desire to get high.

EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE FIVE HOBBIES

Some hobbies are a first world pleasure - a privilege for those of us with enough time or money to spend our free time engaged in such an activity. As an example, travel for many Americans can be as easy as booking a ticket. It’s easy for us to get a visa to most countries. It’s easy for us to book a hotel stay. And our currency is relatively strong. Of course we need the money to do it though, which can bring a new host of issues.

But the will to have a hobby is universal. Everyone, everywhere wants to spend their free time doing something meaningful. People all over the world want to spend their time doing things they enjoy and people usually enjoy the things they are good at.

There are tons of hobbies that are free. For example there’s a group of ladies in my neighbourhood who everyday just after dinnertime go out for a walk together, gossiping as their arms pump ferociously, a flock of speed walking wash women. Sometimes my Ring picks up on their walk and I’ll catch a snippet. I share this now because hobbies don’t have to be showy - in fact they don’t need to cost anything at all. Mostly we select our hobbies as a chance to be with our friends or get a good exercise in. There’s a new paradigm that says “every woman should have five hobbies”. One for the mind, one for the body, one for the soul, one to help others, one to help our environment. Not “one to show off, one to show how much money we have”. Of course some people do pick hobbies to fit in with a certain crowd or to grow contacts in a particular industry but I don’t know if I would classify these as hobbies or as networking tools.

The point is, whether free or blowing the budget these five hobbies develop all of the parts of our brain and being. While in the middle of addiction our interests are singular- we only have one goal and that is to get high. No wonder they say that addiction stunts our developmental growth! While our peers are working on themselves, their bodies, their spirits we are doing none of that. That is what is so limiting about our addiction. This is the part of addiction that stunts our developmental growth: the inability to keep hobbies.

HOBBIES AMONG THE MAASAI

For some across the world hobbies are practiced as part of their culture and tradition.

The Maasai Tribe of Africa are very busy people. They live in a traditional Hunter/gatherer society; the families are large with many, many children (the culture encourages polygamy); daily life is difficult and free time is scarce. The Maasai unite culture, tradition and hobby in a beautiful way.

The world was given a rare, intimate glance into the Maasai Tribe when Stephanie Fuchs, a German woman married a Maasai Warrior and moved to Tanzania to live in a traditional Maasai boma (hut) with her husband and family. Stephanie has made it her mission to educate people on Maasai culture, inviting journalists and YouTube personalities- even regular people to stay with her. She has spoken about Maasai hobbies including jewellery making and dancing. You’ve probably seen Maasai jewellery (or at least jewellery that was inspired by the Maasai) without even knowing it. They’re known for piling on tons of beautiful, brightly coloured beads, mixing colour after colour.

Without these traditional hobbies I can imagine life for the Maasai would be very drab. But that goes for any culture or any person - a life without hobbies would be no life at all.

Our hobbies take us from the dread of everyday life, the day-to-day boredom that we all face across countries and cultures. This is why addiction is a cycle of dread - there’s nothing to pull us from the endless circle of boredom. The only cure we have, the only tool in our toolbox is more drugs.

KNITTING AND YOGA IN REHAB

Before I got clean for the final time six years ago I attended a very special all-woman outpatient rehab in Suffolk County, NY. It was an instensive rehab, paid for by insurance that concentrated on figuring out the real issues that lead to addiction. Five days a week for four hours a day we would attend group therapy classes with topics like “mindfulness” and “child rearing”. Once a month we would go on a group field trip destination. Sometimes to one of Long Island’s community parks, quiet and tranquil locations more reminiscent of a Robert Frost poem than a plot of land in the middle of suburbia. Sometimes we’d go to a fun place we could bring our children to like the Bronx Zoo, always on a Wednesday which was free admission day.

We got to know each of the other women in very personal ways. Many of the other women had lost custody of their children; some would never regain custody. Looking back now my heart hurts for us - these women, some of us only girls, so in pain, so broken by our lives and choices. In session many of the women would be crocheting or knitting blankets as the session went on, a full blanket of work at their feet as their hands busily crocheted. Not only were we allowed to crochet in session - it was encouraged. The counsellors would say it was a good behaviour, a new hobby for us to learn that would keep our minds and hands occupied.

Crochet in rehab gave way to some longtime hobbies for me and some of my fellow women. I’ve stayed in touch with many of my friends from that time and many still crochet to this day.

The other activity that was popular among my fellows was yoga. Once a week a woman would come in and teach yoga. She was an older woman with shoulder-length gray hair and arthritis. Sometimes the pain would be too much and she would massage her feet or legs as she instructed us in her calm, soothing, kind voice.

I enjoyed yoga before my addiction but once I was in the middle of it I had no time for such a frivolous activity. This weekly rehab workshop recalled my love for yoga and I know the other women in my class felt the same way. Weekly yoga was something I looked forward to the minute class ended. It was a reprieve from all of the talk and emotion of the day and week. It was a time for me to stretch and Center, a time for me to do something I was good at, something I enjoyed. This is what a hobby is after all...something we enjoy; something we are good at or develop skill in; something that takes our mind off of all the anxiety and stress that makes up our lives.

FINDING THE ROAD BACK TO HOBBIES

By 2014 I had lost everything in my life due to addiction and decided to fight the demon once and for all by finally getting clean and staying clean. I had no home, no car. The job I had fought so hard for fired me. My family and friends were done with me. All the tchotchkes I had collected my whole life were at the Goodwill ready to be bought by someone else, untethered to all of the stories that made them worth keeping. It was just me, a blank slate, a new baby yearning for some attachment to the world around me.

But I wasn’t completely alone. There was someone in my life - one person when all of the others were fed up and long beyond gone. I met my husband and it was because of him that I got clean. He helped me during the darkest times of my withdrawal, days when I felt I had nothing left to live for. He gave me the glimmer of hope and the spark of humanity I never felt I’d deserved. He is a big part of my story in getting clean, in finding my way back to hobbies and all of the things I love and enjoy today but I don’t want to share too much about his impact. I feel so many of the stories about a woman getting clean or finding sobriety or finding themselves in general revolve around finding a man in the end. I did find my man - I found my night in shining armour but that isn’t the way the story always needs to go.

Before I started figuring out what I enjoy and how I wanted to spend my time I had to figure out who I was, who I really was. And I did that with my husband right there cheering me every step along the way.

The girl who had so many interests but wound up a woman with only one was now free to use her time wisely in pursuit of hobbies that interested her. But what interested me? It had been so long since I’d had the freedom to ask myself what I liked and even longer since I had the time or resources to do something about it. I remembered the things I enjoyed before addiction set in. I remembered the joy I’d felt writing. Writing was not only a past time it was a bill-paying career. I took that love and began journaling again. I even started a blog - I’d loved blogging before addiction. It gave me a sense of purpose and it grounded me in a way that yoga did. Writing was my first true hobby in recovery.

I took up a number of new hobbies in my early recovery and some I still practice. Many of my early hobbies fit into the “Five Hobby” paradigm. I began couponing to seek out deals on food and toiletries for me and my family. And when I discovered just how expensive children’s clothes are now that I am happily responsible for buying all of my kids clothes, I started thrifting which gave way to an online business I still dabble in. I took up walking with my own flock of wash women. I found a love for cooking, especially recipes from the Middle East. I even started making Turkish coffee which gave birth to a favourite hobby I still practice: reading coffee grinds. I’ve gone on a few trips with my family - I’ve always had a love for travel - but most of my travelling is done on my armchair while watching some of my favourite travelling YouTubers. I even made a fan club on Instagram for my favourite travelling YouTuber.

Later in my recovery I discovered the beauty of tea and began to share it with my daughter. Now it is our ritual to make a pot of loose tea in the evening and drink it together. I also started looking for discarded arts and crafts supplies while on my thrift store runs. I found that my children really enjoy crafting. I look for pipe cleaners, glitter, paint - everything you can imagine. My husband recently bought bicycles for the entire family and it’s our after dinner ritual to ride around the block. These are all traditions I’ve started within my family, hobbies we can practice all together that make us who we are. Like the Maasai these hobbies take us away from the boredom of everyday life; we do it so we aren’t doing chores all day everyday. These family hobbies help us bond and become a stronger family unit. When I was in the middle of active addiction I couldn’t be bothered, these things seemed like a waste of time. There was nothing that was going to divert my attention from my only goal of being high. I would have seen a family hobby as a hinderance logistically: if I’m committed to an hourlong bike ride with my family I can’t sneak into the bathroom to get high.

I try and follow the five hobby paradigm: a hobby for each of the pieces within me that need to be nourished. I stick to the five “F’s”when it comes to which to prioritise. For me it is: a hobby for fitness, a hobby for friends, a hobby for family, a hobby for faith, a hobby for the future.

Our hobbies are our lifeblood they are what make us human, what unite us, what help us form bonds with others. Not to mention our hobbies give us health, wellness and purpose. Addiction no longer controls all of these aspects of my being. Now I am in the drivers seat and I spend everyday of my life driving myself in the right direction, progressing in the skills my hobbies provide me with.

I want to thank you so much for joining me on this journey in finding the root and reason for hobbies. Now I’d like to know what YOUR hobbies are!

Stay in touch.

You can find me on IG @kareema_rashdan

And on YouTube @KareemaAfterAddiction