No one's perfect

What is wrong with me?

A question I never get an answer to. They say no ones perfect, everyone has flaws, just be yourself but if thats the norm, then I'm not normal at all. There are so many things that go on inside my head, that would make you scream and run. Thats why I keep it hidden away. Where no one can see the real me. I am to afraid of what they will say if I tell the truth. If I let my demons come out to play, but they get a little to rough sometimes. So, it's better they stay inside.

The voice inside my head tries to control me. Tries to manipulate me. Just like my ex husband. The man had me brainwashed for two years. Two years of my life, that I will never get back. He made me do whatever he wanted me to do. Not caring how I felt about it. It still pains me to this day. I can't have a normal relationship without thinking of what he did to me. I'm afraid they will do the same. It ruins any relationship I have.

Why me?

Another question I never get the answer too. Why do I get this kind of luck? Where I'm the bad guy? Where I'm the one who is lonely and doesn't get to be loved? Why am I the one who had become intimidating, harsh, hated, loathed, frightening? I've done nothing, but get hurt and stomped on and people won't come near me. What have I done to have this happen to me? It tells me this is all my fault. That nothing will change my fate. I am to be scorned and alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I just want to be loved.

Maybe I just want someone to look through all the pain I've been through and see past that. Someone to not care about my past, but why would that kind of luck happen to me? My life have been nothing but bad luck. There is nothing I can do to change it. I try to make any type of connection and it all backfires. They get to comfortable and I can't get comfortable at all. I feel smothered. I hate that feeling. I want my life back. I want to be able to do things without looking over my back. I feel empty inside.

Will it end?

I want it all to end. Figuratively and physically. I have thought of suicide. But I have a reason not to do that. One I hold dear to my heart. But it doesn't always stop the voice from telling me to let myself go. I want to be able to be free of this pain I hold dear. Yet, I can't seem to try hard enough to do that. I don't know if I'm ready to let it go. It's all I've known for so long, I don't know if I can make it end. How do you find freedom in something you've always dealt with? Something that is apart of you? I have become so used to this way of life, I don't know how to live without it. Being alone is all I know. I don't know if I could be with someone and be happy. Be comfortable.

My idea of living in the moment is going out to the bar and getting drunk. Going home with a guy I just met that night. Then regretting it in the morning. But doing it all over again the next night. I just want to stop, but I don't know how too. When I try to stop, I'm stuck at home, feeling worthless and alone. I try to go and make friends, but it turns into a disaster and I'm still feeling the pain for days.

I don't know if I'll ever find answers to my questions. If I ever do, maybe I can finally feel free and alive. Until then I'll continue to suffer the pain I have endured. Reliving the moments again and again. I'll stay alone, so no one can hurt me. In this castle I've built around me.