NO LIMITS

NO LIMIT

I live on the border of Hammond, Indiana and Chicago, Illinois. Since moving to this area in 2007, I have consistently dealt with racism. Not N-word racism, but blatant, ask no questions racism just the same.

What do I mean by blatant?

I have been cursed at for using food stamps while spending cash by people actually using food stamps.

I have been accused of using someone’s tax dollars to buy my car.

I have been told the police would be called to kill me because they bumped into me and I didn’t say excuse me.

Twice, I have had a group of White men accost and try to kidnap me. The first time two young Black men came to my aid and they fled. The second time, shortly after Trump was elected, an older White woman came to my aid and walked me to my car. Neither time, had I done anything.

These few items don’t even tip the scale of craziness I have experienced since moving to this area. What’s worse, this was all before Trump took office.

Since he has taken office, it’s as if every racist feels free to say every racist thing that comes to mind and has living quietly in their souls; and what’s worse, I am a magnet for them. It’s as if my chocolate skin enrages them to act out.

I was fortunate enough to be able to retire in 2016 and by late 2017 to early 2018 I began having problems sleeping, nightmares and very disturbing thoughts to me. I ignored it, and soldiered on.

As a result of the men who tried to kidnap me to do God knows what, in which an older White woman came to my aid, I began thinking about buying a gun and getting a concealed carry card. Much like the police, I began thinking, better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

In the Air Force, I scored proficient as a shooter, which means I can hit my target, but I was taught to shoot by my uncle who was an avid hunter. Before he began his lessons, he always told us, “A gun or rifle is a wonderful tool for hunting. It makes it easier to capture your game. People who need a gun to resolve disputes are cowards who lack the intellect to resolve issues through conversation and compromise.”

Each time he put a gun in one of our hands, he made this statement. I loved him and respected him, so I took his words to heart. And I also remember him saying to us all, “Guns kill, plain and simple. You never point a gun at someone you are not prepared to kill, because in the blink of an eye, the situation could require you to take a life.” I took this to heart as well.

As 2019 rolled in, I struggled with the idea of owning a gun. Whether I would be buying a tool to protect me or to be taken from and used against me. It was an idea that went against my pacifist nature and I kept thinking, there has to be a better way to handle this.

As I struggled with my personal dilemma with racism, I came to believe the extremely deep roots of racism of our country are very cleverly, and deeply rooted in an educations system that deprives and robs our nation as well as poor and minority children of their constitutional rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness through poor education. The same system, creates a bias in favor of white supremacy by removing the people of color in the recantations of the history, allowing for the distorting and discarding of genocide and crimes against humanity committed against people of color.

To me, excluding the people of color who stood beside our historic figures and telling small portions of their experience as our country was being built and created as a separate side note, was a humongous part of the racism we now see. After all, if the people committing genocide and crimes against humanity are great, what does that say about the people they murdered and committed crimes against humanity on, who are barely present?

As I was having this epiphany, my symptoms with sleeplessness and nightmares worsened, until my behavior towards a friend was so completely out of character for me, that I went to the Veteran’s Administration to seek help.

My diagnosis? Military Sexual Trauma Post Traumatic Stress Disorder combined with Societal Racial Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. To my utter surprise, I wasn’t surprised by either diagnosis, what surprised me was the number in therapy for PTSD related to racial discrimination. Again, I had an epiphany, if so many veterans are suffering from PTSD created by racism, what will happen to all the civilians suffering from the same PTSD I was being treated for as a veteran?

Members of my therapy group, which had twenty-five people and several other therapy groups had a major dilemma. Our therapy groups gave us an outlet to express anger, cry and share, but not a solution to make the racism stop.

After tons of angry, tear filled group sessions, my group decided we would do something. Towards the end of 2019 we decided to begin forming a new charity group, Veterans for Educational Equality (VEE), that would focus on developing and nurturing the minds of all our children, freeing them all to have a real shot at life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

After much prayer and meditation, I also found a solution to American racism for me that I was comfortable with, I would become an expat. The very thought of fixing our education system and moving to another country where I could simply be a woman living out my golden years in peace became highly appealing to me.

As we worked on building VEE, I researched countries I was thinking of going to and initially settled on Canada, France, Senegal and Ghana. With the excitement of a child, I looked at the regions I was interested in moving to. I checked crime reports, housing costs, quality of healthcare, exchange rates on the dollar for each country and more.

My spirits were soaring high, I couldn’t have been more excited about the opportunity to travel and visit each country. I would spend June in Canada, July in France, August in Senegal and September in Ghana. I would meet the people, tour the areas and get familiar with the landscape.

As 2020 rolled in, the excitement of the coming year had me floating on joy. Without much warning, COVID 19 struck, revealing the weaknesses of our care of poor and minority citizens.

Toward the end of February I became ill, but I lived in Chicago and the first reports were on the West Coast, so I figured I had caught a virus from one of my grandchildren. I had no fever, I did however have, dry throat and mouth, sore throat, coughing up mucus, body aches and pains, vomiting, loss of appetite, extreme sweating, headache, extreme fatigue and exhaustion. I literally slept ten days straight before my son threatened to call an ambulance if I didn’t go to the VA. Mine was one of the first positive COVID 19 tests in Chicago.

I remained exhausted and the dry mouth and throat, sore throat and cough with mucus never went away. Two months later, I became ill again, after a phone exam, I was told to go to the VA emergency room. I was tested again and received a false negative. A false negative results when two tests are taken and one test is negative and the other is positive. This bout lasted 5 days. I was told it likely reactivated because some symptoms never cleared up.

I still have a cough with mucus and am fatigued so I am afraid of infecting someone else, so I stay home and as a result, because I am the founder, VEE is at a stand still.

But despite it all, my faith has not wavered that the problems of our nation will be repaired and we really will be better after our nation moves forward towards truth, equality and justice for all.

No Limits, by Israel and the New Breed has been my theme song of 2020. This song speaks to my spirit. Our singer speaks in the voice of God.

The song starts,

“I’m not a man. I cannot lie. I know the plans for your life. I’m asking you, to dream again, believe again. Take the limits off of Me.”

He later sings,

“I hear the Lord say, take the limits off. Take the limits off! Release Me, to accomplish what I promised you. Take the limits off of Me! Take the limits off! Release Me! Release Me!”

No matter what we believe, too many times, we make our Higher Powers as small as we believe we are. We place it in a box, nice and tight, locked away where we can admire it, forgetting the power is ours to weld.

But sometimes, to achieve the unachievable, we have to step back and let the universe take the reins. For me, I need a daily reminder that i am not completely in control and sometimes must let go and allow the universe to work its will, rather than trying to do everything myself.

And as I began loosening the reins, removing my limits on the universe, something amazing began to happen. Tens of organizations seeking societal justice and equality have taken up the mantle on education. Organizations that I can find ways to help from home are championing the exact same project I was trying to create.

So I remind myself each day to take the limits off. I release my heart to the Universe to work its will as I remind myself No Limits.