Nights in the Life of an Insomniac
Anxiety-induced Insomnia?!
Does anyone reading this remember the Legend of Zelda games? If not, I apologize for this opening, but it'll make sense later. I'm going to single two of those games out because they were the first two Zelda games I played (having been born in 1993): The Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask on the Nintendo 64. The fairies that Link (our protagonist) gets at the beginning of the games are Navi (OOT) and Tatl (MM.) Those two little fairies, the blue and yellow wonder-balls, are basically what happens to my on a daily basis. Now, I know that might sound odd, but I'll explain. Basically, the fairies are there as guides--helping you find treasure, and signaling dangers, and explaining certain aspects of the game as you progress. One is decidedly more outspoken than the other when coming into contact with an enemy or treasure trove, or whatever it may be.
Anyway, I have tended to see my night life like those two characters. There's Navi, who is a kind, willing companion tasked with helping Link throughout the Ocarina of Time to hope of defeating the BBEG (big bad evil guy) Ganondorf, and there's Tatl, the reluctant fairy who was trapped with Link at the beginning of Majora's Mask and decided to stay because as a player you can help reunite her with her brother (another fairy--I don't know how that works) at the end of the game.
How is my night life like that? Well, let's take last night as an example: I was awake until 2am, which has been somewhat normal for me on occasion, but I still got a solid amount of sleep and feel rested. My brain wasn't running rampant, it was flowing. I felt like my brain was actually in a calm state, trying to help me realize I was exhausted from the days before and not screaming at me.
Last night was simple. I realized it was late, put a movie on, and eventually fell asleep. Sure, I may have fallen asleep in full later than I planned, but I wasn't walking around my apartment, I wasn't getting food, I wasn't drinking coffee (even though I wanted to drink coffee,) and I was telling myself that I was tired. Overall, sleep came easily once I was laying in my bed covered by a blanket. I shut my eyes, put my phone on silent instead of vibrate, and that was it. There wasn't anything else I could do. Eventually, I was in the throes of sleep, dreaming of cake--why? I don't even like cake!--and Germany, and traveling south, and playing an instrument (I also don't play any instruments anymore.)
Usually, I have to listen to music to fall asleep. Last night I didn't need to do that. I tend to listen to classical/film soundtracks. Everything from Hans Zimmer and the late Michael Kamen, to Howard Shore, Joe Hisaishi, and Neil Davidge's work on the Halo game franchise. The French horn is what I listen for, having played it for years when I was younger, and hearing it has such a soothing effect on my rampant brain for whatever reason I start to smile and everything slows down. Last night was like Navi, calm and considerate. A few nights ago, though? Not so simple. Not Navi-esque at all.
I was awake until 5am once, 3am before that, and somewhere near 4:30am before that. All in all not a fun time. I don't have a lot to do ay night, which is fine, but sometimes I want to do more than I'm capable of doing. I want to run (I, um, don't run. Ever.) and I want to write and listen to music that shakes my apartment (a terrible idea) and watch too many movies without taking a break.
I also have a tendency to drink coffee throughout the day into nighttime, so that probably doesn't help my anxiety and insomnia, but it's delicious. I know it's a bad idea. Caffeine keeps me awake and alert. Perhaps I should try decaf? With the coffee drinking I pace. My bedroom is only a few feet away from the living room of my apartment, so I can go from my bed to the couch and back again multiple times trying to get comfortable. Comfort rarely happens.
This is the Tatl side of my insomnia, which I think is driven by my anxiety. See, a lot of the time I get anxious when I don't feel productive. My mind starts to run, telling me I need to be accomplishing something, but what can I accomplish at 3am or 4am? Honestly. Brain, stop, please. My brain starts telling me all these opinions and tries to help me be more productive because, well, I'm awake, right? We're supposed to be productive while we're awake, right? No breaks! No slacking! Work! Work!
No! Ugh. That's the Tatl side. Outspoken, helpful but possibly too helpful, and manipulative.
That's what I go through. I'll go on and off with a decent amount of sleep, getting to bed at a good hour so I can get 7-8 hours of rest in before I awaken, but some days I can't get more than 3-4 hours. I don't hallucinate, so that's good, but sometimes it's a bit too much for me to handle. Perhaps sleep medication to regulate my cycle would help. In any case, that's a couple nights in the life of me: an anxiety-riddled insomniac.
About the Creator
Alex Prange
Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 29 and have a love for reading, writing, and travel. One thing I am open about is my battle with mental health: I suffer from severe anxiety and major depression, and reading has been the escape from my mind for years.
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