New Friends

Having 2 new friends sitting on each shoulder is not a weakness. Meet anxiety and depression. The ones that I never knew that had my back until last year, when they finally showed their face.

Something has always been different about me. This little black puppy followed me. I never knew what it was or why it was following me. It was just there. Ever since my grandad passed away, that's when the puppy grew into a black dog and became angry. I have never known this feeling. Why was it hurting this bad? Why was I angry at everyone? This black dog had a name. It was called depression. It decided that it needed a friend. So it found a scatty cat called anxiety. Anxiety would bounce all over the walls panicking. Racing forwards and backwards with the same thoughts, going over and over again what could happen. But I never knew these names until a few years after.

I felt like I was becoming weak, crazy even. I couldn't even control my own mind. I couldn't control that damn dog and scatty cat. They played with my hormones and emotions. Making me feel things that I have never felt before, made me think of things that I never thought before. They began to play with my mind. Of course they would, it's their 'favourite' toy to play with.

When I woke up to the sound of my alarm, the black dog would lay on me, pressing down all the weight that it had so I could not move. I felt paralysed. The black dog then began to play with its favourite toy. How could I possibly get up now? I should ring in to work, tell them that I am poorly. I'm useless, I know they all talk about me behind my back. They probably think that I'm terrible at my job. What's the point. I might as well stay out the way. Yes. I should stay in bed. Catch up with my assignments. Just when I thought I couldn't get up, here comes the scatty cat, anxiety. Why has it came to join in with my mind as it's toy? But what if they don't believe me? What if they are really struggling? What if they begin to hate me? What about my wages? How will I pay my bills? I can't lose that much from just one day. I need that money. I need to pay my bills.

Eventually, the big black dog and the scatty cat had won. They began to control their favourite toy, my mind. I had to do something. I couldn't let them control me! It's my mind! I should be the one intl control! I needed help. I went. I finally went to the doctor's. "But you might be wasting their time? They don't want to hear your excuses" shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP! Just ignore your new friends, you CAN do this!

WHAT?! They have names? Anxiety the cat. Depression the dog. Finally, some information. Now what? I couldn't believe what I was hearing from the doctor's. They explained that what I was experiencing is ok, and that I'm not alone. NOT ALONE?! Who else is there?! At least I'm not weird.

CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. That's what I started with to begin my process of finally beginning to slowly move the cat and dog out! It took a while, but I finally understood the trigger that made my dog grew and also, why the cat decided to move in. It wasn't enough. I needed more help. I began to panic. Again (what's new?). My therapist can't just leave me with these strategies to help me along the way. I still need to talk. I have a lot to say! PLEASE DON'T SHUT ME OUT! They saw the panic in my eyes. They saw anxiety the cat play with my mind furiously. Counselling. Counselling was my next step of help. They helped me so much. Finally, I was slowly taking control of my mind again. Along with some help from anti-depressants (Even though I refused at the very beginning). But I still wasn't quite right. Back to the doctor's. Up'd my dosage. Ugh. Almost.

Everything was eventually coming together. Depression and anxiety are slowly moving out. But wait... Where was thing anger coming from? I was never violent. I never got mad easily. I never got so angry that I cried and... Oh know. PANIC! Why am I panicking? Why are these thoughts all come rushing back? Why me? What's happening? Why can't I breathe properly? Am I going to die? I feel sick. Pulling my hair is slowly releasing the pain that I'm feeling. Screaming helps too. Along with curling up in a ball. Shutting the door. Being away from everyone. I need more help. I need to go back to the doctor's. Am I suppose to be feeling like this several times a week?

Panic attacks. Of course. Another thing that I had never heard of. Depression and anxiety teamed up. Of course they did. They wasn't ready to move out and leave their favourite toy.

Back to the doctor's. They decided to change the type of anti-depressants that I'm taking. It was making me aggressive. But these new ones at the beginning, I felt like I was starting all over again. I couldn't cope. Hormones all over the place. YES I KNOW YOUR STILL THERE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION! I'm sorry I made you angry. I'm sorry for trying to move you out. But I can't cope. Why are you doing this. Eventually, the tablets kicked in. All this positive energy! Wow. I haven't felt this in a LONG time... Now? Now I can't bloody sleep! Up till 3/4 o clock in the morning.

Back to doctor's soon.

xoxo

#YourNotAlone #depression #anxiety #SeekingHelp #NotWeird