Narcissism and Abuse within BDSM Relationships; An observation.

A classic mindset I see time and again within any BDSM, or even alternative community is the mind set that a persons partner (Usually male), is gas-lighting or emotionally and psychologically attacking their partner to such a degree, where when the submissive partner say's something about it, automatically they will find a way to devalue, limit, or diminish the person in questions concerns, needs, or in some more serious cases, their safety. A classic example of this from just a domestic perspective is the age old:

sub - "I need you to stop, because your hurting me, and I feel like If we continue I'm going to end up hurting myself out of depression"

Dom - "Well that's not acceptable, because that would be ruining my life. Not to mention how it will impact these people (usually Gives vague blanket examples). Example: "Just imagine what impact that will have upon our kids. Especially if they found out about YOUR kinky fetishes!"

sub - "But, if we don't stop, this is literally going to hurt me physically or emotionally, or drive me to committing suicide!"

Dom - "I'm sorry, but by the agreement of our arrangement, I simply can not allow this to happen. Because it inconveniences me for "these" reasons."

While many people often find themselves in these relationship dynamics, both within a fetish society, as well as just their own personal lives; what they fail to see is that these very behavior patterns, while within a "Scene", are perfectly fine for role-play and fantasy type settings, are in fact very much so not OK for real world dynamics. The reason being is that while this feels like a positive setting for a "Classic" Dom/ Sub, or even "master/slave" role dynamic, down the the age old "Contractual" agreement; this is in fact a form of emotional and psychological abuse, and is in fact a very real world classic manipulation move made by narcissistic people who have psychologically sought to lock down an empath (Usually their submissive partner), and use their misery as emotional and psychological fuel to make themselves feel more superior.

It's a core system of social and psychological control that self entitled "Karen" style asshat's like to pull on their lovers, partners, or even subordinates as a means to influence control over another person through psychological, or often times emotional leverage. This is commonly a tactic used by the Narcissist as a weapon to attack the Empath within their chosen role dynamic, when they, (the Narcissist), feel's any twinge in which their presumed position of social power might be threatened by the potential loss of their partner, caused by their own negligence, garnered by them abusing or harming their partner. Time and again I see this and time and again, the empath out of sheer desire to be compassionate and not "hurt" someone, will choose to suffer in silence, than "hurt" another or cause harm to them, out of fear that the arguments that the their Narcissistic partner has presented to them, might in fact be true.

The age old "What if your friends found out about your fetishes. imagine what they would think", is a prime example of this psychological system of abuse.

What becomes even more damaging is that the emotional and psychological abuse in turn becomes the noose around the empath's neck. But whats even more damaging is that these techniques, also in turn program the Empath through psychological conditioning, to expect and seek the behavior as a standard norm, forcing them into a state of self inflicted slavery. Time and again, each time they want to be free or loosen that noose and have a little more control over how and when it's applied; the narcissist will always find a reason and an excuse, often times operating against the agreed upon rules of their social dynamic, to actively tighten it, always to their advantage. Because ultimately, the narcissist, is not seeking to negotiate or compromise with anyone, unless they always walk away from the situation with a 60% or more margin of gain. Often presenting the illusion that the trade off they are making within the Empath, "is for everyone's own good" so long as the compromise is ultimately in the Narcissist's favor.

This is in part of why fetish content like "50 shades of grey" is such a damaging reflection of Fetish culture, because at no time does it embrace the reality that what is being presented as Fetish/ kink is in fact social and psychological programming, with the intent to subversively impose upon the "Submissive"/ Empath a sort of "Stockholm syndrome", which realistically should be called either a "Natascha Kampusch" or "Colleen Stan" syndrome as their relationship role dynamics fit more accurately with emotional, psychological, and in the case of "Stan" more fetishistic styles of imposed enslavement against their consent. Regardless of the best term in question at hand; the core rudimentary element at play here is the intentional pattern of imposed social, sexual, emotional, and psychological programing and conditioning that persons in these role dynamics influence upon one another, all in the scope of "Fetish" type "play.

Everything that a persons narcissistic partner is doing, is intentionally imposing upon them psychological and emotional bondage through careful manipulative programming designed to not only make him specifically feel empowered and like he's some sort of self defined king of the roost. But also to impose a form of emotional and psychological imposition of conformity based Pavlov syndrome. This careful implication of behavioral/ reward programming, teaches the empath to become conditionally accustomed to a subconscious "need" to conform to the Narcissist's imposed Dominant behavior. This in turn programs the Submissive/ Empath into a mindset that the "want's"/ "desires" of the Narcissist will ensure the best boost of a psychological release of dopamine, as a neurological reward for conforming to the Narcissists want's. While this "MAY" seem like a good trade off through conditional programming, what is in fact happening, is the Empath is being neurologically programmed to literally "Want" to appease their "Dominant" partner.

The problem here, is that the dominantly male Narcissist, isn't establishing these role dynamics for the gain or benefit of the empath in question; but instead using this social/ psychological programming mechanism, as a tool to literally USE the Empath as a source of sociological Ego boosting social/psychological influence. In short; the Narcissist, literally feeds upon the chemical boost they gain psychologically from their Empathic/ submissive partner when they are able to feel empowered by their actions being imposed upon their partner. The more they abuse their partner and are able to get away with it, the more the get a chemical release in their brain feeding their addictive behavior. A great way to think of this is to see the narcissist, as a Drug dealer, and the Empath/ submissive as a drug addict.

The dealer feeds to the addict their supply in a controlled mechanism of "need/want" bio-metrics. Where the Addict then in turn returns to the Dealer seeking more of the drug in question, in exchange for money, services, favors, etc. In exchange, based on conditional programming the Drug dealer gains what they want, by imposing harder and harder limitations upon the addict they they created, which in turn programs the addict to become dependent upon the dealer, in order to gain their supply. But like any smart dealer; the rules only apply to the addict, not the supplier. Worse, most dealers have more than one "customer" which they supply their particular drug of choice. The Addict over time becomes programmed to the conditional need to feed their addiction. Now remove the dealer, and the addict is seeking another Dealer, and continues to do so, until the programming has been broken. When we look at Narcissistic/ Empathic abusive/ toxic behavior pattern in this context, it becomes easier to see how a person can go from one abusive relationship, and turn and get into another, or worse, later return back their abusive partner, and not know why they did so in the first place.

This is because what has happened, is the "Addict" (Submissive/ Empath), was never deprogrammed from the abusive behavior, and become conditioned into the mindset that the psychological norm of the abusive role dynamic imposed upon them by their initial narcissistic influence, has now become the neurological norm for that person in question. Meaning that their subconscious default Maslow's need hierarchy, has become rewritten into believing that this type of social influence, is exactly what they as a person need to psychologically feel "normal" or comfortable. Which unfortunately, each time the go from one influential source to the next; each new Narcissistic influence will directly add to, and impose upon, the Empath's base neurological Maslovian system of psychological stability, into believing that the now newly established system of psychological control, is in fact the correct way to think and act, so long as, it does not conflict with an already pre-programmed condition.

But because this behavior pattern is also cyclical in it's psychological system of programming; this also means that the narcissist, also to some degree or another, (Arguably subconsciously, or through learned behavioral influence), also understands that they cannot continue repetitively to "feed" upon their Empathic source, without running the risk of emotionally, or psychologically "Burning them out", or becoming so extreme that the target Empathic "source" becomes aware of the imposed programming, and simply rejects the system in question. Which is why many Narcissist's operate on a 3 to 9 month cycle. Because, and here is the funny part; most Narcissist's were originally at one time, Empaths themselves, and had at one time or another, been programmed over time via a prior Narcissistic influence themselves, or had been neglected their own emotional system of value and have over time developed a neurological system of abusive response to negative influences.

This in turn created a neurological "NEED" in which they through their own sources of psychology, have established a programmed pattern of their own (More than likely from abuse they have suffered), in which being toxic, and or abusive, is in fact perceived by them as being "helpful" to their own insecurity, despite the fact that it actually only further decays their self worth. They in turn believe deep down that they are in fact worthless, and abuse others, which in turn creates a self fulfilling cyclical prophecy, in which they go through a neurological cycle in which they believe they are better than they feel, and thus treat others with love and compassion, only to not get what they want, and spiral down towards their own destructive depression. Progressively, each time, as they spiral down, they become more and more abusive, until they become completely disconnected with their targets emotional and psychological suffering. When they reach rock bottom; they are at their worst, and during this time is when they are seeking the most validation for their behavior by trying to justify their actions or frame of thinking.

In fact because of their negatively programed perceptions, they genuinely seek through programmed responses a delusional idea that the way they see and perceive life in general, is in fact correct and they are in turn through a complex system of arrogance and egotism, trying to offset their own psychological self loathing and self deprecation, by reflecting it upon their partners, and others in a self justification mechanism, where their toxic behavior is a reflection of their own self hate. What this means is that a Narcissist, in most cases is in fact a person who has been conditioned to be insecure or self loathing in some manor, by which they use that insecurity to fuel a subconscious need to abuse others, and then justify that action as a means to fuel their own broken neurological conditioning and repeat the process indefinitely. This action of abuse in turn releases into their own neuropsychology, a system of negatively influenced dopamine, making them inherently addicted to their toxic neural egocentric chemistry. Which was inherently, initially caused by their own influenced delusions of programmed beliefs of insignificance, either by another Narcissist, life experience, and or trauma. This In turn causes them to become addicted to the toxic and abusive behavior patterns; seeking other empaths as a sort of self justifying system of ego driven psychology that is fueled via neurological conditioning of chemical releases based on their negative behavioral patterns.

Thus; the reason your Narcissistic partner doesn't care about any of the matters he presented to you; is because in all truths of the matter, all "he" really cares about is enshrouding the real meat of the problem which is ultimately his control over you, for the core expressed reasons of ensuring that he can manipulate, to chain you down more so that you feel helpless, worthless, incapable of freedom, and most importantly, that you yourself are not important, which he then uses to fuel his own egotism, and feelings of superiority. Thus, the ultimate goal on his end, is to ensure that he is able to feed upon your self worth, to make himself feel more empowered, by beating you down. This is because of this, he actually depends on you, and more than likely others in your and/or "his" social/work environment groups; to feed his own egotism, which in turn releases chemical rewards neurologically every time "he" is able to "feed" into his own ego, either from a source that floats his ego by making him feel good about himself, or allows him to be abusive in some manor. The only time "he" isn't fed, is when the target source in question gives him either ambivalent or apathetic responses. These in turn tell his programmed neuropsychology that his "source" (the Empath/ sub), has become depleted, and is incapable of feeding him the desired neurosynaptic response he is seeking.

This is why scenario's like telling your Narcissistic "Dom" that they are hurting you, often times results in them lashing out and switching the interaction to that of a defensive/ accusational/ or even hostile one; because in reality, they realize that IF they genuinely acknowledge the abuse they they are causing, and that abuse IS in any form a violation of your combined mutual consent; the Narcissist MAY lose you as a "source" that they "feed" upon to fuel their own neuropsychology. Which is in turn why they actively attack their "source's" self worth, neuro stability, and / or their ability to see themselves or their emotional needs as being valid, or more importantly; their self esteem.

This is important to grasp, because these reasons are in fact extremely valid, and the Narcissist doesn't ever want to compromise. They always want the executive power in the agreement hierarchy, to have the right and the ability to refute anything that they deem as a threat to their position of stability and power over the empath. Which is why it's highly important that when an Empath is at their final limits, that they take that time to actually empower themselves psychologically, by learning how to fight the abuse head on, by not allowing the psychological & emotional control tactics to impede them from their end goal of ensuring their emotional, and psychological stability and happiness. Ultimately; the empath NEED'S to be able to be strong enough within their own situational psychology, to find a reason within themselves, be it, their own diluted self worth, the need or value of a family member/ unit, or any other outside reason, to tell the narcissist, when the time is right that they are in fact going to take a stance of assertive value, and either demand their position of respect, or leave the situation in question, and more importantly follow through and actually leave.

It's also highly important, that when the empath does leave, that they do not give in, or go back or negotiate any terms in which they are in turn forced back into a control dynamic where the narcissist returns back into a position of power and dominance over them. It's also important to note; that once you leave, the narcissist will in fact change. However; they will within 6 months of that event, suddenly have a "Transformative" change, in which they will make it look like all the problems you two had were in fact valid and that "he" does in fact genuinely value you, and the relationship dynamic that the tow of them had, and has remarkably changed for the better because of the sudden removal of they "Source empath".

In reality, this is fact another social manipulative ruse that the narcissist uses as a means to covertly manipulate the Empath by creating a false sense of trust, and reformation. In reality he's just sweetening the hook, with better bait. So that once the empath comes back, the narcissist can in turn use that event as a means to tactically attack the very sequence or scenario that gave them that power to leave in the first place, so as to ensure that should the Empath try to leave again using the same techniques; the narcissist will have already defused that escape pattern, in an attempt as a means to attack the empath from a different angle later. Worse; they will actually use the failed attempt of escape as yet another psychological means by which to attack the Empath so as to hurt them more. Further isolating, and locking them away from their freedom and happiness. In most cases this comes in an imposed upon system of demanding that the Empath isolating themselves from others, and or, especially the person(s) or resources that helped them escape the first time.

This is because deep down, the narcissist is actually scared to be alone and refuses to admit that to anyone, because they are also terrified of of the reality that they in fact do not have any control of their lives, and are in fact genuinely afraid of what people may think about them, if other people found out the truth about their psychotic behavior. Unfortunately; there is literally nothing the sub/ empath can do about it, because the Dom/ narcissist, has to be the one to not only admit that they have a situationally programmed psychological flaw, but worse, they have to be the one to willingly seek that professional help that they very much genuinely need, and more importantly, be the one to seek to actually better themselves. Unfortunately; since they don't really respect, value, or personify the Empath as either an equal or genuinely take their opinions into a real system of value; The empath's opinion, desire to help, and or their desire to make things better; will never matter. Worse, if the narcissist, realizes that the empath is trying to heal them; the narcissist will instead use that as means to manipulate the situation, to further gain an upper-hand, by feeding the empath false information, therefore making the empaths efforts futile for even trying. Even more so, especially if the Empath is still under the direct influence, or control of the Narcissist.

Therefore; the goal now for any empath while under the influential power of a Narcissist that is not genuinely seeking to change themselves and fix the psychologically programed system of self entitlement; is first of all extremely important that the Empath empower themselves in secret. They must gain as many tools as they can both psychologically and emotionally to genuinely want to, and more so, put forth the effort and desire to genuinely take the appropriate steps, to put into place, the desire and ambition to actually break free. Secondly, once they are truly ready, they MUST reach out to a outside 3rd party resource, such as a psychologist, therapist, or even lawyer and have them help the empath push themselves through the emotional and psychological bonds that are limiting them from genuinely pulling away. The empath will also need to seek some form of therapy, or some other type of professional help within the scope of seeking to resolve the abuse.

This is to help the Empath genuinely seek to heal themselves, strengthen their psychological resolve, and prepare them for actual the eventual push to actually break away completely and clearly, as quick as possible. Lastly; when the empath makes the final drop of the hammer to extract away from the Narcissist in question; they MUST Do it quickly, without warning, and preferably in the middle of the day, while the narcissist in question is either gone, unavailable, or something of that nature, and outright abandon them. The goal here is for the empath to leave and GET OUT as quickly and and surgically as humanly possible. They must also make sure that they have a fall back place that you can go to; family, friends, or even if they are living with the Narcissist, a homeless or battered persons shelter. What ever the source, the end goal here is to remove themselves from the narcissist as quickly and efficiently as humanly possible. Most importantly his direct over arching influence over you both emotionally and psychologically.

You NEED to have as little contact with him as possible, and most importantly until the divorce has finalized, you need to always have a neutral third party, mediate between the two of you and all of your interactions. The goal here, is for you to heal and cleanse yourself from HIS toxicity, and more importantly, for you to learn what triggers and red flags exist within your own psychology, so that you do not immediately jump into another relationship with yet another Narcissist. it's very common for people who have become psychologically conditioned, to immediately replace one toxic relationship for another. This is because the Narcissistic toxic relationship, in fact programs you psychologically and emotionally, to "WANT" that abuse, and to seek it out. By taking time to learn about it, and to actively deprogram yourself from those psychological hooks, you are in turn able empower yourself more, until you one day can confront him (Your current husband), and be able to handle him on a civil level, where every interaction is in fact mutual, and not just aimed at his personal gain.

Below are some video resources that can help you start to learn how to protect yourself against your husband/ partner/ or masculin relationship and to help you understand the distinct mindset that your battling with, so that you can get away from "him", if he is indeed a Toxic personality archtype, so that you can live a happier and healthier life.

This video comes from the psychological analysis of how to tell when your partner (Mainly Husband) is a Narcissist;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIiEWKQDqO8

How to Make a Narcissist Panic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfFif9ntJDA

How to Outsmart the Narcissist:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0-0U9Kw3HI

WORDS THAT DESTROY A NARCISSIST:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17gwc4oBImc