Naked Depression

Have you ever woken up to it being peacefully quiet? Surrounding yourself with the comforter and just breathing slowly, listening to the air conditioning softly cool the room down. This is what I imagine being dead is like. A soft, comfortable, silent room is what I think heaven consists of. That’s why I think they say “Rest in Peace,” because you’re resting. Recovering from your previous existence as you understand the purpose you used to have. As a 21 year old, I can identify as a depressed/psycho human being. I can identify as an anxiety consumed soul who has been medically diagnosed with depression/anxiety.

Being married and having this condition is never easy, it’s like being a turtle next to a cheetah. Everyone is scrutinizing the turtle for not being as fast as the cheetah. Sometimes the turtle doesn’t want to have people focus on its speed, but its uniqueness. Why aren’t people criticizing the cheetah for not having a shell to hide in? Surely the cheetah could not hurt the turtle if it stayed in its shell. I tend to stay in my shell due to the fear I have of life. I’ve been hurt constantly. Nobody could possibly be vulnerable inside of a protected shell. My husband constantly tries to get me out of this house (I type this as he is off somewhere and I am stuck at home).

I’m punished because I can’t get myself to get the energy to fake a smile. I’m naturally someone who speaks up other people’s humor. It’s not very uncommon for me to not have people laughing who are in my presence. It takes a whole lot of energy to lessen my smile to make someone else’s greater. I do it because, for a split second, I can almost step out of my thick skin for a second and feel my purpose. I’m making someone happy.

I think about death and wonder what kind of affect my funeral/death would entail. Who would be at my funeral? Who would be overly dramatic and pretend to be my best friend when I reality we never spoke? Who would write speeches or would most sit down and quietly mourn? Who would sit in the front...? Who would sit in the back? Who would just send a card in the mail to my husband? What is your purpose? Honestly right now, everything seems so dull. As if it could end at any moment and honestly some days, I am okay with that. It is just the bland mindset that you cannot seem to shake. Like when you get sick during flu season but for some reason everyone else is enjoying the weather. You want to go outside and play but instead you're stuck inside wondering what makes you different from the others. Frequently, I find myself over analyzing other people, wondering how the handle situations VS how I handle them and I can never seem to find an answer. I will tell you this; I have my good days too.