Naive And Violated

Naive & Violated

I’m in my early 40s going through severe anxiety and depression. There were 2 incidents that happened to me when I was young. Please bare in mind I’m an Asian origin, but born and brought up in the UK. I have 3 brothers.

1.When I was about 11 / 12 years old I went to my Parents native home. My cousin who is 1 year younger than me asked me to play a game with him in the a room at the back of the house. He kept on saying how fun it is. So I followed him into the room. He said close your eyes and count. I was on the bed with a frock on and flat on my back relaxing, closed my eyes and started counting.

He pulled my pants down and he laid on top of me and started wiggling his hips. I was feeling so uncomfortable, pushed him off asked him what kind of a game is this? He answered back saying he had seen his parents playing this game. I did not think much of it at the time.

At the age 12 I did not know anything or learn about sex education. I was taught when I was doing my GCSE. I was so naïve did not know anything. I was also more of a tomboy as well so these things never used to interest me. Having 3 brothers did not help with girly quality, emotions. I was more interested in playing football, badminton, basketball. I even disliked playing netball, which was a girls game.

2. Another incident, when I was about 16, I was playing with my 1 year old cousin in my parents bedroom. My cousins Grand Dad had come into the room and put his hands down my front and started kissing me on my lips. I pushed him and ran downstairs. I could not tell my mum because we did not have a open relationship where you can discuss or open up about any topics. I did not know how my mother would have reacted to this.

My uncle used to take me to his in Laws house quite often. There once after that incident, when my uncle left alone with that Grand Dad in the Living room. I ran out the room and sat next his wife. My heart was pumping so fast, It felt like torture. I used to look for all these excuses to leave that house. When, that old man died I had to go to his house for funeral, I was so sick in my stomach that I did not want to see his face. I was so relieved. Thank God He’s Dead.

I was really upset and scared had no one to talk too, from that day to date I hate old men. They give me the creeps and I avoid being alone in a room. I’m in my 40’s now and I still get night mares. A couple of times I have had hallucination of seeing the paedophile on the street. Unfortunately, I moved in the town he used to reside in, maybe that’s the reason why it still bothers me.

If anyone who has been through this ordeal or similar situation please talk to someone. I bottled it up and it has done me more damage. Even today I ask my self why I did not tell my mum earlier?

I actually told my mother about both incidents a few months ago, as it was really having a bad affect on my mental health. Now, that I have spoken to mum about this, I feel a 50 % better.