(This is a warning! This has some graphic detail and triggers in it)
Mykie glanced in the mirror, tracing her outline with a shaky finger. She didn't even know why she was crying anymore; but, she couldn't seem to stop either. Her eyes were puffy and glossed over, there was no way she could hide it this time. Her tears fell silently down her flushed cheeks; while she tried to keep herself quiet. Her breathing was raspy and shallow, she could feel the knot in her chest threatening to keep her from breathing at all. Cold chills were sweeping their way through her body. It pained her that this was more feeling than the numbness she had begun to grow accustomed to as of late.
She tightly squeezed her eyes closed and balled her hand into a fist. She was so angry and hated herself so much, she could barely stand it. She hit the mirror, but hesitated before making contact, so that there was just a light thump as her hand hit the surface. She didn't know how much longer she could do this, but she didn't even want to try anymore. What was the point of everything; when she had nothing? She had never considered herself suicidal, she just wanted to die. To not be here, to not feel this.. this emptiness, that consumed her.
She opened her eyes and glanced at her reflection, just looking at herself made her feel sick to her stomach. "You are worthless" she muttered bitterly, at her own reflection and hit the mirror slightly harder, causing its surface to move under her fist. Her mind began to spiral downward and bombard her with dark thoughts; echoing what she heard from those surrounding her. She would be so much prettier if she lost some weight, she would be successful if only she could be skinnier. She wasn't trying hard enough. She was trying too hard. She was an emotionless wretch. Why was she so mopey? Didn't she know she would look so lovely if she smiled? She was only good for the money. She would never amount to anything. Who could ever love someone as pathetic as her? Why did she even have to exist?
She felt an urge to vomit, the thoughts clouded her head, echoing. She was worthless. Disgusting. She couldn't stand to look at herself. Closing her eyes, she felt the tears still trickling down her cheeks and lashed out, both her fists balled, hitting the mirror with all her might; causing it to shatter.
The shock of what she had just done, caused her eyes flutter open; just as the glass broke around her; cutting her hands, arms, and face as it fell. At first, she just gasped and then let out a bitter and desperate cry. She sank to her knees feeling slightly weak, her heart fluttering. She looked at the tiles around her and watched as her blood mixed with the pools of water on the white tile, swirling around and becoming part of it. She laughed bitterly, wishing she could find a way out of all of this. The principle would be furious with her breaking the mirror. Did it even matter anymore?
She sat there, watching herself bleed, her mind plunging her further into the darkness, until the dizziness began to take over her and she could feel herself collapse to the floor. Her breath rippled the bloodied water around her. Then the cold began to set in as if all the warmth was being sucked away from her. She tried to move but found she had no energy. She couldn’t even open her mouth anymore.
Everything began to fade away, and she closed her eyes, waiting for the end. She could hear someone scream and call for a teacher. Everything sounded muffled and like it was echoing through a space she couldn't fully reach. She tried to focus on it and found she couldn't even discern what they were saying more. Instead of hearing them, she found solace in the darkness that was embracing her and for one shining moment she had hoped that maybe, just maybe, this was the end and she would be able to escape from all of this.
She should have known better than to have that hope.
The first thing that came to her, was the annoying continual beeping that was creeping its way into her consciousness. Then came that horrible smell, that only hospital has. She didn't even have to open her eyes to know where she was. Why was she so unlucky? Why couldn't they just let her die? They didn't even like her, you think they would be happy to be rid of her. She tried to keep her eyes closed as long as possible, maybe then the nurses wouldn't bother her. The more she tried to stay still, the more restless she began to feel.
With an annoyed sigh, she opened her eyes, the bright fluorescent lights assaulting her vision, causing her to squint. After a moment, her eyes adjusted enough to look around. The room was pretty bare except for a bouquet of flowers, left by her bedside, she furrowed her brows wondering who would have done something like that.
"Ah, you are awake" Mykie turned her head to look at the voice that so cheerfully called out towards her. There stood a young nurse with blonde hair, glasses and one of those scrubs that just screamed 'I am spunky person.' It was going to be a long day, she thought to herself and cursed her luck. It was only natural that the EXACT moment she opened her eyes there just had to be a nurse there.
"You gave everyone quite the scare, you know. It has been a couple days now" Mykie glanced at her surprised.
"Days?" She asked, her voice coming out much weaker than she had intended. The nurse simply nodded as she went about checking different machines and scribbling notes.
"How many days?" The nurse glanced at her chart and then frowned a bit.
"Oh dear, you were out for five days. I am going to go call the doctor, let him know you are awake. It will be just a moment." Mykie sat back, she knew she couldn't really argue with the nurse so she just turned her head to the right and glanced out the window. She could see trees, but not much else. That is when she glanced back at the flowers. Whoever got them, somehow knew her favorite flowers. She shook her head dismissing the thought. Like anyone would care about her enough to know that.
"Good afternoon Miss MacNamara, I am glad to see you have woken. My name is Doctor Rudson, I am the doctor on shift for today and will be helping you with anything you need. Are you comfortable?" Mykie turned and looked at the man, a frown firmly affixed to her face.
"So when do I get forced to see the shrink?" She asked dryly, getting straight to the point and the doctor raised a brow at her and sighed.
"Well, considering the way you were found we" Mykie held up her hand and the doctor paused.
"I figured. So when do I have to see them?" The doctor shook his head and then pulled her chart from the end of the bed and glanced it over.
"I just need to run a couple tests and then you can speak with our psychiatrist on staff. Doctor Hotorou will be the one to go over your evaluation with you." Mykie glanced back towards the flowers and mumbled something about just getting it over with and the doctor took her blood pressure, listened to her heart and then took a few vials of blood before he closed the door behind him as he left.
After he left, Mykie sat herself up in the bed and took a better look out the window. She could see what looked like a well cared for garden just outside the building with a nice pond and trail.
She shifted in the bed and frowned. Hospitals made her very uncomfortable. Not to mention all the wires and tubes stuffed into her. She thought about pulling them out.
A knock came at the door and Mykie jumped a bit, startled. She wasn't sure how much time had passed since the doctor left. She had just been staring aimlessly out the window.
"Miss MacNamara?" Mykie glanced at the doorway as a young doctor walked in. He had long black hair pulled up in a ponytail and wore glasses that rested precariously on the bridge of his nose.
"Hello, I hope I am not disturbing you. My name is Doctor Hotorou, but you can call me Yuki." Mykie didn't say anything just, looked at him. He shut the door and walked over, sitting on the stool that was next to her bed.
"What lovely flowers, friends of yours?" She glanced at the flowers and shook her head.
"I don't have friends" she murmured and the doctor raised an eyebrow.
"A secret admirer perhaps?" she shook her head and he smiled.
"Well they are quite lovely, regardless. Tell me, how do you feel?" Mykie sighed.
"I have a headache and I hate hospitals. They are stuffy and smell weird." Yuki listened to her and nodded.
"Well then, perhaps when you are a bit more rested we can take a walk around the gardens?" Mykie looked back out the window and frowned.
"Does that mean I have to stay here?"
"No, we cannot keep you longer than you want to stay, but do you really want to return to school?" Mykie looked at him and frowned even more. School… the principle would be furious with her and she was certain her ‘classmates’ would torment her more. She’d rather die.
"...no." The doctor gave her a very soft smile and put his notes down.
"When the doctor releases you, I would like you to attend a program, it is not held here but in another building off the hospital grounds. They call it a therapy program, but really it is like a small vacation, a place for you to just relax and let go of all the stress" Mykie glanced at him as he spoke. He couldn't be all that much older than her. In fact, she wouldn't be surprised if he was fresh out of college.
"Do I have a choice?"
"Yes, you can go or you can return to school" Mykie frowned.
"Not much of a choice." The doctor laughed. A genuine soft laugh, it through her off guard for a moment.
"I promise to you that it is not going to be so bad. You might very well like it." Mykie sighed. She doubted that.
"Do I have to do affirmations and spill my guts to everyone there?" She snipped, his smile faded and he shook his head.
"No, it is a more solitary experience. There are others there but the group sessions are not mandatory." She furrowed her eyebrow, what kind of place had he wanted her to go to?
"I guess I will go, can't be any worse than school……. or home" she said softly and returned her gaze to the window. It would at least be nice to go outside. If nothing else, the one place she always felt secure and at peace was in nature. The woods, the creek behind the school, the gardens down the street. Anything green and anything away from people.
“I really do think you will like it, you may even enjoy yourself.” Mykie turned to look at the doctor. He was trying to be positive but there was something about him that made her want to believe him.
“Don’t get your hopes up” she murmured and he nodded, reaching into his pocket and taking out a small book and a pen.
“It isn’t much, but please use this” he started, then leaned back glancing out the door, “they think it's therapy but really it is more for your sanity. It can be awfully boring here” Mykie’s lip twitched into an almost smile. This doctor was funny. She nodded and then leaned back sighing.
“When can I go to the place?” She lowered her gaze. Now that she was awake, she was certain her foster parents would be called. She wanted to avoid them for as long as possible.
“Well not today, perhaps in two days. They need to run some tests and make sure you are good for release first. Is there a reason you are so eager?” The doctor glanced her over but she just looked out the window.
“I can call your foster parents if you want-” the doctor stopped talking as Mykie looked at him, there was fear in her eyes. He wanted to frown but kept his face passive.
“Or I can recommend you not have visitors?” Mykie’s eyes widened.
“C-can you do that?” She asked softly, a little hopeful. The doctor smiled again and nodded.
“Yes, for your mental well being” he said and then stood up, clicking his pen and closing her chart.
“I… I would appreciate it if you did” she brought her knees up to her chest as she spoke and glanced at him again.
“Alright, I will go let the staff know and also let them know to transfer you to the program as soon as you are ready.” Mykie sat up and bit her lower lip.
“Oh uh how much is the program? I don’t have much money..” the doctor raised his hand.
“Money is something we can discuss later, for now let's focus on you." Mykie nodded and glanced at the flowers by her bed. Today was.. weird. She heard the doctor leave and some muffled voices outside her door.
Just as she was getting settled in, the nurse came back inside.
“Okay, now I just need to take your blood pressure and then we can get some of these tubes out of you.” The nurse was very cheerful and it made Mykie cringe a bit. She didn’t respond. She just zoned out as the nurse continued on her work.