My Swan Twin - The lonely side of being different

The painting above, is one I made of a lonely swan. Should I use the word lonely? Although it seems befitting, it may not be the appropriate word. I was inspired because this swan reminded me of me. Hence, the name My Swan twin.

The reason why I argue whether the adjective "lonely" is befitting, is because I wouldn't use that word on my self even though you would use it on me.

During one of my daily walks during this lockdown, I decided to let my legs lead me. Without the care of getting lost, I strolled down the streets, diving in different corners with very little knowledge of what was ahead. For all I know, I could be walking into a cul de sac, or a dodgy alley. However, not that I had a death wish but I couldn't care less. I was tired of sitting in my one bedroom apartment waiting for lockdown to be over.

Taking one corner, I could see an open air space with a bridge. Like the end of a tunnel of houses. Brimming with excitement, I began to walk at a faster pace than before, with the "promised land" approaching at a similar pace. I eventually got to this beautiful park. It was even more beautiful because there were less people in it. The only ones there, were the people who actually appreciated the wonderful natural environment.

There were a flock of birds, mixed with swans, pigeons, doves (or white pigeons), not sure what the other birds were. They were all in different groups. The funny thing is that when I approached the edge of the water, a lot of them started approaching me. It took me a while to figure out that they wanted me to feed them. I was a bit embarrassed because I had nothing to offer. I had wondered out of the house aimlessly. This was the last thing I expected. Feeling shame as they left with disappointment, I walked away awkwardly. I could've sworn they were gossiping about me while we parted ways.

I could see why they expected something from me. There was a guy, clearly out there with intention, and a bag of bread pieces, just chucking it at the birds. After a while, he had to leave though because since no one else was feeding them, all the birds were flocking to him. I was scared we might actually get attacked. Wherever there are pigeons and water birds, I expect a shower of poop. Especially after they have been fed. Ducking and weaving, I got out of there as soon as possible.

I got to a quieter part of the park where there were some abandoned boats and there it was. The swan, just sitting there, letting the water carry it. I'm using "it", because I don't know if it was male or female. It was outstanding. My first question was, why are you alone? I was hit with a bit of enlightenment or eureka moment. As I stood there, I realised that I just passed a lot of swans, pigeons, birds, but this was the only one I really took notice of.

It reminded me of my life, growing up and my refusal to blend in with the crowd. I grew up surrounded by my age mates drinking, partying, getting into relationships, breaking up, playing sports, and doing everything a normal teenager would do. I wasn't like that. When I had a friend it was "interest-based". Meaning, we were only friends because we had something in common or were working together to achieve a task, and that would be the timer for our friendship. I only had one real friend, he was genuine but he was also given a hard time by the others for reasons which I never really understood.

Even when I changed to a new school, this was also the same. I was the weird outcast and I enjoyed it. I was made fun of for being weird and doing "unusual things" like singing and playing my guitar, not being great at football, not having a clique I belonged to. I never really understood these so I didn't feel bad, just confused. I went home and while I was working on a new software or artwork or my music. Everyone one else would be engaged with their group of friends doing one thing or the other.

I looked like a loner, I was a loner.

I looked like I needed a friend, but I loved my own company.

I looked like I was weird, but I was just quietly exploring the world around me, digging into my creativity, doing new things and crushing personal targets I had already set for myself.

Was it really befitting to call that swan lonely? I don't think so. It's funny that even I fall into the trap or judging someone or something because they are doing something differently to the others. My moment of enlightenment and inspiration revealed to me that, that bird was just like me. In life there are two options;

Follow the well trodden path, the path of least resistance.

Or follow a path which you often have to carve out for yourself. It is unpredictable, tough and the uncertainty can be overwhelming.

But you know what, I'd never choose to live my life any other way. Where's the fun in that?