My Silent Killer

10 years ago my life would forever change. 10 years ago, I would lose the confident and happy person that I once was, and 10 years ago I would start one of the toughest battles of my life.

I remember it all so clearly, it replays in my head over and over again as if it was only yesterday when it all started. At 16 I fell in "love" with my high school sweetheart. I thought that this was the real deal, that we would be together forever. We fell hard, and we were the "it" couple, or so I thought. I was so in love that I didn't see what was really happening to my life. I was being controlled, manipulated and lied to on a regular basis. I was yelled at, spit on and made to feel like I was nothing, even though I did everything to make him happy. I set my feelings, needs and wants aside to try and please this man, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with all to gain nothing and give everything that was left of me to give.

I remember the day he came to my apartment and handed me a letter. He asked me to read it, I could tell that he was nervous and maybe just a bit upset. I knew something wasn't right, I knew I was going to be hurting by the end of this letter. I went into my apartment, sat down on my couch and began to read. This letter had confirmed my biggest fear, and I believe that this has a lot to do with what triggered my self hate and self harm. He told me that he had cheated on me with one of our good friends. This happened one night after we had gotten into a fight and I went home for the night to avoid any further conflict. I was very hurt and let down and I lost a lot of myself that day. I remember sitting outside of my grandma's apartment when I got a phone call that my friend, the one he slept with and her boyfriend wanted to come talk to me. Once they arrived we sat outside and I kept quiet and listened as she spoke, during this time I had found out that he had also cheated on me while away for his training with the Army.

At this point I was emotionally done and began to withdraw from the relationship. I began to place blame on myself for gaining some weight and convinced myself that it was the reason he cheated. I remember going upstairs and sitting down in front of the toilet while crying and slowly dying inside. I am not sure what lead me to this as I had never even thought about or considered making myself sick prior to this. I turned on the sink and got my fingers wet thinking this would make the whole process less painful. It took me a few tries, but I finally did it! I finally freed my body of the evil inside that caused my boyfriend to go and sleep with someone else, or so I thought. After that first time sitting at the toilet and making myself sick it all became so easy and habit forming. It became a daily habit, almost more of a ritual. After every single meal I would make myself sick almost instantly, and if I didn't I would panic and have severe anxiety. To avoid this I would only eat if I knew I was going to be able to rid my body of the food thereafter. I would pull over along side the road to get sick, I would sneak away while at work to make myself sick and I would get sick in zip lock bags and hide them until I had the chance to dispose of them to where they wouldn't be found. Nobody knew of my sickness until I finally told someone about it, but that didn't stop me. I reached out for help but wasn't sure I even wanted it. I was losing weight, I was feeling good and felt like I was wanted more by everyone. Although I knew I looked good my body said otherwise. I was only keeping on average 500 calories in my body a day. I got down to 105 pounds and my blood sugars started to go all wacky. Lucky for me I worked in the medical field at this time and the nurses were able to check my sugar levels for me if need be. My hair slowly began to fall out, my skin dried out and I had scratches all over from being so itchy. I had broken blood vessels not only in my eyes but around the outside of my eyes as well from straining so hard to make myself sick. The day I looked into the mirror and saw these broken vessels, is the day I really understood that there was an issue.

To be continued....