My Mind Running Wild

My mind running wild-...

Welcome to my mind.. where I share my unorganized worries in hopes to make you feel a little less lonely. I've mentioned in other writings of mine I want to make a group chat on Slack so we can all chat and help one another out. Give my post a like if you'd like to be apart of that and I’ll start attaching links to get in the group chat.

If you are someone who has to deal with constant anxiety, you have experienced a panic attack.

When I entered 6th grade I remember clearly as if it was yesterday. My heart was racing and my mind was going a mile a minute and I was running out of breath, I never realized how much I forgot to breathe and how that probably played a huge factor in why I panicked. I was so overwhelmed because I had 3 tests the next morning for English, science, and social studies. All I kept worrying about was my grade, and if I failed I wouldn't be able to get into college. I am 22 now and wish I had someone to remind me not to worry because no matter what you would still be able to get into college. Especially because my family couldn't afford any fancy college anyways.. community college accepts anyone. I'm 22 now and I skipped college to pursue a different dream, so all that panicking was for no reason. I remember feeling my body go numb and tears coming down my face like a waterfall and no one in my family knew what to do, they just yelled at me or stared at me.... and inside all I needed was a hug or someone to tell me it's going to be okay, but instead, I was left with my tears and thoughts beating me up. Years went on where I was constantly going through this routine over and over throughout middle school and high-school. I did well on all my tests, but I don't remember a thing because of how tired I was from crying so after the test was done, I forgot about it and moved on. When I entered High-school things became much worse and I still was ignored by my family because I had "friends" and good "grades" so there was no reason to worry.

All my life I was forced to play a sport I once loved but soon started to hate because it brought me terrible anxiety. I remember when I was 5 or 6, my dad would play Soulja boy before my games and I felt confident, happy. I loved how playing basketball made me feel. I made so many friends and their parents loved me and always cheered me on! I felt amazing...

A year passed and my dad started to argue with the other coaches and refs making me very nervous and scared... I even got yelled at for panicking or asking him to please stop just made him angry... I soon began to feel very scared before every game and could never quite calm down. As a 6-year-old you look up to your parents for protection and I always felt fear that my dad was going to get into some kind of fight. I started to think everyone hated me and my dad, I wanted to play but I also didn't want to be there anymore, no one noticed but I soon lost connections with all the girls on the team and had no friends on my team... I was lost in my thoughts worried about what might happen next.

When I didn’t play well, I got yelled at and I could feel the disappointment. I cared so much what my dad thought, but I was still on edge because of the fighting with the other coaches. I could never build the courage to quit, although I thought about it often.

High school came and it only got worse with the new coach he had so much anger towards me because I was shy, he would scream at me literally in my face spit and everything, I would mess up because I was so nervous. He would embarrass me every day throwing the ball across the court to have me fetch in front of all my teammates who began to see me as a disappointment too and had 0 respect for me. I remember him telling me “your always scared shitless” and I wanted to cry because he didn’t understand what I was going through. I had depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder but no one cared.

All I know is I went from being super loved, unconditionally by my dad at 5, and then soon lost it all because of a sport. I just needed the nurture and I would have been okay. I would cry before and after practice because I didn’t want to get yelled at or made fun of. This went throughout high school. Now I am going one day at a time to rebuild myself. I still beat myself up but I have to re-teach myself that it's okay not to be good at everything, and I need to love myself. When I have kids I'll give them endless protection.

I never did find that 5-year-old girl’s confidence.

But when I do I’ll make sure to nurture her every day and remind her how special she is.