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My Journey

Psychology and The Mind

By AliexannePublished 2 years ago 7 min read
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I want to introduce myself at the beginning of this journey. Here I would like to share with the reader something about what my life has been like and how it has motivated me to pursue a career in psychology.

For some time, I have been battling my mental health. My goal is to raise awareness of mental health issues. The stigma that surrounds this topic is significant, and I would like to help break it down. It is imperative that people start speaking out and educating themselves about this issue.

Here we go,

As a child, I was very distant and isolated from my family and friends. Despite being in a friendship group at school, I felt as if I did not belong. I would not call them friends. They asked to meet up after school or on weekends. As it made me too anxious to want to go, I would shut them down. However, I regretted it every time it happened. It was unfathomable why I would not fit in. It would continue throughout my school life. It was noticeable from an early age that I had struggled socially. It led me not to want to go to school. I was quiet and never wanted to talk aloud in class. It made me nervous.

When I was in the sixth form, I had mapped out my career path. I wanted to attend Birmingham City University to study Drama in Education. It was my life goal. When the results day came, I received the grades I needed to go to university. It was a dream come true. So, over the summer, I had decided to prepare myself to move to university and equip myself with the necessary items to move into student accommodation. I wanted to experience student life. Even though I only lived 5 miles away, my parents paid for my rent as I was not entitled to student loans to cover it as I lived close to the university. Once I moved in, I had started going to my lectures. I was enjoying university life.

One month after I had started my course, my dad became extremely ill. He was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). However, at this point, he had a relapse. By having this, the MS team at Queen Elizabeth hospital in Birmingham decided that he would need to undergo treatment. This treatment is called Lemtrada. It is a trial drug. As my dad was unable to work and he was self-employed, my family was not receiving income. Due to this, my parents could not afford my accommodation. The only way to have gotten out of the tenancy agreement was if I had left university. That was the choice I had made.

Once I left. I became a carer for my dad. Due to his treatment, he was unable to complete many tasks around the house. Lemtrada is like having chemotherapy. On the first day of his treatment, they thought he had a heart attack. They withdrew the drug. Once my dad was feeling better, they decided to carry on with treatment. I felt lost. My world was crumbling around me. Once the treatment finished, I cared for my dad for the next six months while he recovered. During this time, we were comfort eating and putting on weight. We were both feeling low. I became unemployed. I had put on four stone over six months due to sitting in front of the television and eating my body weight.

One day, I decided enough was enough. I had started to begin exercising and eating healthy to lose excess weight. My dad was still unwell at this point. However, I did not lose weight healthily. After every meal I had, I was making myself vomit. It felt like I was going from one extreme to the other. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I could not understand why I felt the need to do this.

In September 2018, I decided to return to university to study Creative Hair and Media Design at University College Birmingham. My dad was on the mend. I thought it was the right time for me to return. However, I was still paying an overpaid maintenance loan from student finance from the year before. Due to this, I could not afford the materials to use on my course. I decided that I would do whatever it took to stay on that course. I borrowed my equipment. Four months into my studies, my dad became ill again. He had to have another set of Lemtrada treatments which would leave him bed bound. Due to this, I left university once again to focus on my family. It felt like Deja Vu. Then the year repeated.

During this, I was going through a relationship breakdown. I was with my then-boyfriend for four and a half years. He did not want to be with me. It ended unexpectedly. I did not see it coming. In the evening, everything was overloading and going wrong. No matter how much I tried to secure myself a career. However, something seemed to have always gotten in the way. So that night, I did what I had never tried before. I had taken an overdose and tried to commit suicide. My mum came down the stairs at home and at once called for an ambulance. I felt like the world was ending. I did not want to be here anymore. When I reached the hospital, the phlebotomist took my blood. I had a charcoal drink. I was released. However, it did not end there. I ended up in hospital every month for the next three months trying to end my life.

I decided that I needed to get away from everything. I went to visit my friend in Gloucester for the weekend to clear my head. I needed some much-needed girl's time. The following week I had turned twenty-one. I could not be any less happy even if I tried. I felt like I was putting on a smile to please my family and friends at my birthday meal.

The day after my birthday I met a wonderful man. We began talking. He owned an off license. We would talk for hours on end while he was working. He made me feel special. One day I decided to surprise him at work. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. Finally, things started to lift. However, I was very wrong. I decided to go back to university for the third time to study English at the University of Wolverhampton. I enjoyed it. COVID 19 hits. So, everything moved to online learning. It was not my preferred way of learning. I felt like I was not learning anything. I could not contact my tutors. Due to COVID 19, the off license was excelling as it became an essential shop. I started to work in the shop alongside my boyfriend. I fell behind in my university work as I struggled to work and complete my assignments. I failed my first year. I was not willing to redo it. I thought things were great in the shop and I could help run it with my boyfriend. It was not all smooth. I began to self-harm again and ended up in the hospital multiple times.

I had a referral to Forward Thinking in Birmingham. After seeing many psychologists, doctors, and mental health workers. I was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and Anxiety. I started receiving medication for my conditions. However, I was on a waiting list to receive DBT therapy. I have been waiting since December 2020. Nothing has happened yet.

During this time, my boyfriend sold the shop and bought two shops with flats above it and a house to live in for us both. I was happy. I felt like I was finally getting my life back on track and hoping to start a family in the future. I still struggle with my emotions and anger. With the medication I am on now, it is becoming easier to manage.

Through my experiences, I wanted to highlight what I have learned. I want to help someone that is in desperate need. By studying psychology, I will understand how the mind works and hopefully learn about myself on the journey. I want to help others. I want to understand my condition.

humanity
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About the Creator

Aliexanne

A Psychology student and a mental health advocate. I am hoping for a career in research and focusing on personality and mental health. I enjoy blogging about anything psychology.

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