My Journey with Panic Disorder/Anxiety

From a very young age I had problems sleeping, concentrating and keeping calm. I was an anxious child growing up but as an adult, now, my anxiety feels uncontrollable. I had troubles expressing my emotions in a correct manner and I tended to keep everything bottled in until it was too late and I exploded on everyone. I had a range of emotional and mental issues when I was younger. I never fitted in at school and was always trying to be someone who I wasn't just to be "cool". I had unstable relationships with the closest people around me and overall I just doubted and hated myself for a very long time but those feelings I had about myself I never wanted to speak about because I was embarrassed to express myself, I just wanted to be considered as a normal human being, I didn't like the fact I had a mental illness.

Primary school would have probably been the worst and most challenging time of my life. I didn't know what "friends" actually meant or who to call a friend anyways. I used to get bullied for my appearance for having too many freckles or because my nose is too pointy. I would go and sit down for recess and lunch and people would stand up and walk away from me. So imaging all of that, of course it was hard for me to ever be in a good mood coming home and I definitely didn't want to tell anyone how I was feeling. My heart was breaking into pieces. One day I just had enough of the way I was being so mistreated and I went to a school teacher and cried and honestly they didn't give a f#ck all they could do was talk to the whole class about not being bullies and treat everyone the way you want to be treated bla bla bla.. Anyways I am assured that is where the root of my anxiety came from.

A few years later I entered high school and I was terrified. The first few days of HS passed and I was feeling a little bit calmer about the environment but not so much the people. I acted as myself but I realised people didn't like the person I was so I had to be fake and that is the hardest thing to do just so I wasn't alone. I made a few "friends" along the way, if that is what you'd call them, and tried to build genuine friendships but no one stayed, I felt as if I was boring everyone away. A few months passed in my first year as a little year 7, being only 12 years old. I met my first interest it was an innocent relationship being our age but we were so excited just to facetime on the weekends and hold hands whenever we could. Things went well with my boy-friend for 2 months and in May 2013 I received devastating news. That being my mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, luckily the cancer was found and treated before it was too late. However I missed a lot of school during that period obviously due to my mum's diagnosis. It was a huge shock to us all and would have never thought it would have actually happened to us because cancer was such a big word to me. My boy-friend was aware of my circumstances and immediately dumped me over my mum's cancer and he told me it was too hard for him to be with me and that he didn't like me anymore. I can laugh about how extremely immature that is now but back then he was the only piece of happiness I had and I thought it was the end of the world. That tore me apart for a very long time the mix of not having anyone who cared for me when I went to school to the fact I was worried I was going to lose my mum to a horrible disease.

Time passed and my mum was all cleared of her cancer, very luckily! She regularly goes for checkups to make sure she is ok! I hated high school but I hardly missed any days and I tried my best with my education despite the constant thoughts and worries circling my mind and making it extremely hard for me to focus. I was approaching the end of year 10 and I met another interest, he was from outside of school and I knew him from after school swimming training. AHHHHHHHH is all I can say to him and the situation and everything that happened in this relationship. This is exactly where my anxiety flipped for the worse. Long story short, we were together for 3.5 years when I ended things with him. He emotionally and mentally abused me, I was scared of him but I also felt so safe and familiar with him because he felt like he was my world and my everything but looking back he wasn't, he was bloody terrible for my mental health. Towards the end of our relationship he stopped taking care of himself which means he obviously couldn't care for me or anyone else. He grew very lazy and sloth-like, there was never any effort coming from his side, when I was sad he used to grunt at me and huff and puff and make me feel just so yucky and horrible about myself. I left myself behind when I was so attached and used to his company and I can say it was the worst decision ever but I am so thankful for him because he made me realise I am worth so much more than how he made me feel for a lot of the time. I forgot to love myself and take time for me - it makes me so teary thinking about it. All I ever remember is being yelled at and being belittled in front of my friends, family and his family too. It left me feeling extremely insecure and doubtful. I thought yet again, my world was over. I totally admitted I did things wrong in the relationship too, I struggled with trusting and constantly needed reassurance to feel better.

It was a Saturday night and I was out with a girl from work enjoying a few drinks, all I can remember was being blackmailed that whole night by him. He kept calling and was sending awful and disgusting messages to me and I thought I cant do this anymore so after 3.5 years I called quits. A night that was supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable turned to me crying my eyes out all night and convincing myself I made the right decision. Anyways the next day brought on my trauma for me...I ended up having to block him I couldn't take the abuse and everything else that came with it. But I can honestly say we were both not suited for each other and it was the most toxic relationship ever! A few weeks had passed and I realised I made the best decision, I was seeing so much growth and personal development I was so independent, it was great. And then after that chunk of time, well, then I came down on a low. My parents told me to do something about my anxiety because it was spiraling out of control. So after my anxiety levels had rapidly increased I also noticed I was showing symptoms of OCD and paranoia I soon forced myself to the doctors to tell them how I feel and what was going on in my life. They recommended me start taking a type of medication to help my levels of anxiety.

I soon noticed a slight change in my moods and I almost was a bit numb and emotionless however I still had a small anxious feeling every time I went to the shops or out in public and so after 6 weeks of the medication still not fully making me feel 100% I went back to my doctor and she then upped my dose. It has definitely saved me from my depressive thoughts and sad feelings but the anxiety still arises sometimes, but that is something I will have to work on overtime. I then thought it was a good idea to see someone and talk about my feelings to lessen the pressure on myself and everyone around me. It took the edge off and considerably started making me feel more comfortable and at peace with myself and who I am. The downside to my medication is that I am constantly lethargic and fatigued, sometimes I don't feel anything even in an exciting or devastating situation. I am in charge of my own happiness and feelings and most of my anxiety is something I need to start to control myself but was never able to in the past.

Still to this day I am an overthinker, paranoid, anxious and worried the world is against me. That is how I have always been and I hate it but there must be reasoning behind it all. I was always so worried what people thought of me and the judgment that goes with it. Now I am stronger than ever. I am recently engaged to my loving partner who takes care of me and reassures me when he knows I need it, he finds ways to distract me from my anxieties and ensures to keep me calm and do what makes me happy when I don't feel good. So many people don't like to talk about their feelings and I totally respect and understand that as it was so hard for myself mostly because I didn't think anybody ever cared. But there is so much more to life than that horrible, nasty, depressing feeling you all may feel at some point in life, it is something everyone experiences, some more than others. Speaking up is the best thing to do and if you don't, then don't expect anything to change.