I never thought I would be effected by the disorder I have, I used to make jokes about having OCD. I never knew what it was really like.
It's nothing like what people say and joke about lightly.
Until I was fifteen years old I mostly lived without it. I later thought back to moment when I was young where I felt triggered the way my OCD makes me feel.
I remember before it really effected me, I could touch door knobs with ease and just walk around free as a bird. To go from that,To what feels like being locked in a cage, will make you feel empty and lost without direction no longer able to determine your own path without thinking of your own Obsessive Compulsive factors at play.
I first noticed it was a problem when I was trying to make food for myself and I kept reading instructions, even questioning if the instructions were even safe. It got to a point were I had to keep starting over and over to the point where I broke down because I just wanted to eat. Something so simple I could not do.
The repetition over and over until I completed the task in a way my brain deemed "Safe" broke me down. I could no longer do basic things I needed to do to survive. At this point I did not know I had OCD, What I was experiencing was in no way what I imagined OCD would be like. The fear is the thing I never understood, Always feeling scared if your movements were right and what touched what along with over thinking something I did not even see.
It was at this point I told my mother I needed to go to the Hospital, I had no idea what was going on and we did not know what to do.
The constant fear of something not being done right and someone being harmed due to my negligence was constantly looming over my head. I was repeating tasks just to make sure they were done right, I'd walk away then get scared about what if it wasn't done right.
The constant "What if's" ruled my life, Constant guilt and fear plagued me, I had no clue this could be OCD. People make jokes about being neat and being clean. OCD is living with a constant cloud looming over you, Taking what feels like your free will. It's a constant fight, I spent so long at sinks washing my hands just to walk away and then the "What if's" start. Usually you get a few moments to fight your urges. being strong is being able to pull away from them.
After watching me struggle and lose my mind trying to just eat food, the most basic function she knew something was wrong and we had no clue what it was or what was coming next.
At the hospital the admitted me told me I was exhibiting symptoms of OCD, my mother signed some papers to consent to treatment. What they did not make clear is where I would be getting treatment. Hours away from home and family and even though me and my mother said no the papers were signed, My mother and I's say no longer mattered. I never came out of that hospital almost ten years later, I have not been the same since.
I had no idea what was coming for me next, A little wave had been moving in on my shores for years but one storm sent in the tidal wave.
Stay Tuned follow me on Twitter @Hey_Mandrew for Part 2.
I have found ways to cope and I will be sharing them as we go.
Thank you very much for reading, Much love.