My Headmates and Other Things
I have a few headmates.
I have a few headmates. I have named them and personified them in hopes that it will satiate them, make them leave. They didn't. So here is a list of them.
Screamer just screams. They scream in different tones and vocal patterns, but it's all still Screamer.
Ringer is the silence, that type of silence that is deafening. It rings and burns. While Ringer "talks," Screamer stays silent and just makes scratching noises that give me headaches.
Sleep is a quieter voice, a bit muffled all the time. They only say, "I just want to sleep," and, "Please let me sleep," over and over.
Wake is a hideous rasping voice who tells me to stay awake and keeps me up. They try to convince me that sleep is bad and will hurt me instead of help me. They wake me up throughout the night with tales of how sleep is unhealthy.
No doesn't have many features, just constantly says, "No." Every day, all the time, 24/7, just "No." Nothing else.
The sounds radiate off the walls. It's deafening. I should be used to it by now, the constant scratching, the pounding, the screams... but I'm not.
You can't really get used to that kind of persistent pain. It's too difficult, too tiring. It wears you out and breaks you down until you are nothing more than a lifeless blubbering mess.
At this point I'm just afraid of what will happen if the sounds stop. Would the silence be any better? Any worse?
I cover my ears, in a desperate attempt to keep them out but they are still here. They are still loud and they are still painful. What did I do to deserve this torture?
They scream like they are being killed. They sound so hellish. So in pain. I want to help, but I know that they are just in my head. They aren't really there, so I am unable to. I guess my motivation to help is selfish in a way. I just want them to stop. Their voices are hurting me. Haunting me.
There's no point in life like this. A life of so much pain and suffering. I just want it to end. Don't get me wrong, I don't want my life to end—no, I just want THEM to end.
They have no place here, inside my mind. Yet they will never go. They're all so loud. So painful. Help me, please. Please...