My Head and My Legs - Self Harm

When I was a freshman in high school, I was two years into my parent's divorce. I no longer had anyone watching me when I got home from school, and while I did get attention from both my parents, I always felt the need to impress them.

I had first intentionally singed the top of my foot with a curling iron when I was 15. I don't remember why I did this, but what I do remember is a feeling of relief that I no longer had to participate in x, y, and z because I was now injured. I was overwhelmed by balancing regular course work with a technical program and I decided to cause a similar injury to one of my knuckles on my right hand. Again, a weight had been lifted when I had to drop the technical school because I could no longer bend my finger. Those two wounds have since healed over the last five years, but the need to overcompensate for my efforts, but not being able to properly handle being overwhelmed is still prevalent in my life.

From the time I was 18 to the current day, I've suffered from a chronic illness affecting my bladder. I'm handling fine, but I know that the illness will never go away. I decided to take all of the stress of a dysfunctional body upon myself because none of the doctors I had been to could tell me what was wrong, or knew how to help me. Because I have to live in my body, I had figured that the only way for me to get better was to solely rely on myself to push forward with my life. Carrying the weight of my health all on my own has taken a toll on my mental health, and the stress and anxiety are very, very real.

So, fast forward to this past January. My anxiety was rough and I had decided to drive to the beach one night, roll the windows down, and listen to the waves hit the sand. On the way back home, I nearly hit a pedestrian. I don't want to defend myself in this incident, because it was my fault. And my anxiety skyrocketed. I had stopped at Target on the way home and picked up a new curling iron, knowing full well what I was going to use it for. I walked into my bedroom, plugged the iron in, placed it on a washcloth over the same spot on my foot I had damaged years before, and waited. After a bit, a yellow blister had formed, which would burst the next day.

I keep any wound (whether intentional or accidental) wrapped up well, keeping things clean and covered. I went to a family physician a week after the burning to get it looked at, just to check that there's no infection. I had also asked for and received a referral for a therapist because I needed help. A few weeks after this appointment, I burned myself again. I had learned some not-so-shiny facts about my extended family, and I couldn't stop thinking "oh no, I'm related to these people?" I burned myself three times that night. One on my left foot, another on my right, and a small one on my calf.

My wounds have all closed up with no complications. But my urge to overcompensate, exhaust myself, and harm, is a cycle that I'm working to break. I fell a year behind in university due to illness, and it hurts to know that I should have graduated this year, and not in 2021. It's a superficial worry, but because of that time lost, I had decided to enroll in a certificate program during my senior year so that more time wouldn't be lost. Due to the pandemic, I've chosen to drop the certificate and just focus on my bachelor's degree and pursue a master's after graduation.

Even then, it's just not good enough. I have the skills to get into a graduate program, but it's not the skill set that satisfies some of those in my life. The past four years have been an involuntary uphill battle with my health, and now that I have the opportunity to reach for better things, that's what I'm going to do. My scars are a reminder to take care of myself and to keep pushing for a better life, but to avoid the destructive errors I've made along the way. When I run my fingers over my scars, I can remember the emotions that I felt when I had harmed myself. I'm far from proud of what I've done to my skin, but I am proud that I've managed to pull myself out of that hole. I know why I did what I did, but I'm also grateful to be able to handle those powerful emotions better than I have in year's past.