My Ex-Boyfriend Saved Me To Boost His Own Ego

This article was previously published on Medium.

Almost two years ago, I was quite an active member on dating apps despite the fact I could not have been more emotionally unavailable.

I had gone through what was notably the most traumatic event of my young adult life. In 24 hours, I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend at the time and another man at a party. The experience not only left me in complete shock, but the unhealed wound left me spiraling.

I wanted to do anything I could to get “that control” back. In my mind at that moment, the answer to that was dating apps.

Trauma leads you to make some strange choices for yourself.

Unfortunately, you can imagine that my energy at that time could only attract the worst type of people. And sure enough, it did. I started dating a guy who just wanted to “save me” like it was a video game achievement or something to show off.

Entering a relationship with someone who only wants to help you for the better interest of themself is the perfect recipe for White Knight Syndrome.

What is "White Knight Syndrome"?

A white knight is exactly what it sounds like. Anyone who enters a romantic relationship with someone who presents themselves to be a damaged and vulnerable partner. Typically, a white knight will do this with the intention that their love and attention will positively transform their partner’s life.

Although a white knight may appear to be doing this out of the goodness of their heart, that’s usually not the case. The “saving” they set out to do is in their own best interest. Whether it is to create codependency in the relationship, make them feel better about themselves, or to present themselves a certain way in front of others, it has very little to do with actually helping you.

That being said, these are all of the complications I went through, as the “broken” one when I was in a relationship with my white knight.

The foundation of the relationship was built entirely on unhealed trauma.

Immediately upon meeting this guy, I was quick to spill my guts out to him. After only a few conversations, everything we did and every step we took in the relationship was based on my past trauma. The trauma was in the driver’s seat making all of the decisions and we were just along for the ride.

There were little to no conversations about our values or what we truly wanted out of the connection. There wasn’t any small talk or getting to know each other. He was a shallow substitution for my lack of self-love and that’s probably why we hardly lasted at all.

I needed the reassurance due to my past, he made me feel wanted to make himself feel good, it was honestly selfish on both sides. Any relationship built on nothing but trauma bonding is bound to crumble.

You will never be two equal halves.

Even at the time, I knew deep down he was “above me” in the relationship. Even though his kindness was for his self-fulfillment, he was in control of the relationship because his support was the lifeline. Therefore, it was up to him when he felt like providing it. I was often the one being left in the lurch.

This was long before I was receiving serious help for my PTSD. My spiraling thoughts and sudden need for validation and support were far less out of my control than his ability to give it. It often felt like he was dangling a carrot over my head rather than meeting me halfway.

When someone is the White Knight in the relationship, they will always be able to hold some kind of power over the other person.

They only care about your problems if they're capable of fixing them.

We took a break in our relationship not long after he realized my problems were out of his reach of mending. My unhealed trauma took a turn for the worse and I started to experience serious thoughts and feelings of suicide.

This was a clear point, in both my mental health and our relationship, where we realized some words of affirmation weren’t going to be enough to talk me off of the edge. I was sick, I needed professional help.

Soon after this my boyfriend’s white knight facade quickly faded and suddenly he wasn’t capable of being the support system he promised me. Of course, no one in this world owes you any kind of counseling or emotional support. But when all of your time together was spent giving out those promises, it can be a huge shock when your partner takes a 180.

Since this was an issue he couldn’t fix, suddenly he wanted nothing to do with me. Our relationship came crashing and burning because he was no longer able to fulfill his role (or his satisfaction) of doing the “saving”. We broke up a few weeks later.

Parting ways with my White Knight truly felt like it was the end of the world. I thought at the time I was losing one of the few people in my life that still kept me standing and I would fall apart without him.

But then, I got out of bed the next morning. And the morning after that. Life went on and therefore so did I.

It’s never easy dealing with a breakup. But once you begin living on your own, you start to realize you never needed to be “saved” by someone. You are capable of being there for yourself and being your own best friend.

You don’t need any saving from a White Knight. The right person will be there for you unconditionally and won’t look at you like a project that needs fixing.

And anyone that does romanticize your downfalls and low points as something they can solve? That’s worth running in the other direction.

Whether you know it or not, you’re capable of saving yourself and building yourself up. After all, it’s the first step of finding an organic and genuine connection with the right person.