My ED Story (Part 2)

So, as I said last week, the dream to be thin was not the sole one to turn into the darkest reality. Once I realised my habits needed to change, I not only began to eat comfortably but going out and enjoying my friendships, old and new. However, my healthy relationship with food began to deteriorate again. I wanted to gain a stable and normal amount of weight for my age and height so that I could become a better skater and athlete and regain my period. Yet, I began eating colossal amounts of foods which, for my low weight of 44 kg, was necessary but only at the start. Soon, my body saw the opportunity to eat all the foods I had been depriving myself of for so long. And that's how binge-eating took hold of me. I kept on eating massively, without paying attention to the fact that I was full and gradually gained the weight I was looking for. Once I reached the healthy level, I could not stop eating. It was as if anything was an excuse to eat: a good training day, a bad day in general, sad news, good grades... soon I became addicted to food, especially all that junk that I had not allowed myself to even touch for many years. It was embarrassing. I would head to the supermarket almost every night to buy sweets and chocolates. I don't even know how much I was able to consume in one of my attacks, but I'm sure it was 3000 kcal worth of snacks almost daily, plus an unhealthy amount of bread and pasta during the day. I guess the only good thing was that I never stopped exercising which probably hindered much of the bad part of binge-eating and perhaps why I never gained too much weight. My top was probably 65 kg at the time and I was 5'8'' so I wasn't really overweight, just bloated, all the time. When I came back home in the summer, my parents could tell something was wrong because after each term I would come back bigger. I never mentioned binge-eating but realised I had a problem. I was constantly thinking of the next meal, right after I had just emptied my plate! I had an issue that I needed to solve. Took me a year to properly understand I had an addiction, and it's something I'm still recovering from. Right now, when I walk past an aisle of chocolate I have to stop the strong urge, but I'm doing it right. I began weightlifting as a surplus to my skating sessions (my kind of cardio) and it's helped a lot. I feel stronger than ever, and I'm eating balanced. Super healthy during the week, allowing myself only a little snack on a Friday to treat myself. I workout every day except for a rest day that I choose every week to allow my muscles to repair. With these two experiences, I just want to let you know that there are many times when you'll get hit by something unexpected and dangerous, and, even though getting help is super important, ultimately the change has to be made by you because it's your body in the end, and you know yourself the best. I don't judge whether being my weight and height at the time is or isn't fat for some of you, cause I know everyone looks different with the same weight and age. Alos, being thin isn't bad either but chose what makes you happy. Now that I'm balanced and getting better every day, I'm super happy though I'm not as lean as I used to be. But, it's not the physique that makes you YOU, it's who you are inside and your ideals. The body is not a reflection of your inner self, just a sort of presentation for people to first get a glimpse of you. It doesn't define you, and, when you feel good, you see it outside and inside.