My Dark Passenger
Personality Psychosis Disorder
I have always been a regular human, when I say regular I mean went to work, had great friends and even though small, had a very loving family.
In the midst of July this year my life took a dramatic turn and has only gotten worse up until this present date.
- Yes I am still in recovery
- Yes I am still under a crisis team
- Yes I still receive home treatment every day
- Yes I still self-harm
- Yes I still have panic attacks every 2/3 days
- Yes I am still highly medicated
This being that at the start of July, 2017 I started to hear a voice. A voice of a woman who was very unfamiliar to me, who used to wake me up out of my sleep or distract me at work. It was only ever my name. Nothing more, nothing less. I thought nothing of it until it became more frequent and people were telling me repeatedly that they weren't calling my name.
I told my mom that I was experiencing this as it was very out of the ordinary and was a very uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling. So after the normal conversations I decided to see my GP. After an ten minute appointment.. yes only ten, I was told that everything I was going through was due to an ear infection. Not completely satisfied I left the GP.
Things calmed down over time until one day she returned... but this time she wasn't alone. I started hearing a man and woman talking to me, trying to control my day to day activities.
After about two to three days I stopped hearing the woman and was left with the constant voice of a man. Some days were worse than others and he would only usually pop up when I was alone or stressed.
I dealt with this issue for about two months alone, until it got to a point where I didn't want to wake up in the morning. I revisited my GP and explained that things had gotten so bad that I didn't want to be alive anymore. Someone I couldn’t even see was controlling my life.
I spoke too soon...
After being placed on two different types of medication I found myself sitting in my room one day when a man came walking through my bedroom door... and when I say through my door I mean literally through the door. It was one of the strangest feelings in the world, naturally you think you would scream or run, but I didn't. I froze. He was so unfamiliar and made me feel nervous and strange.
This man is named Lucas, Lucas is my passenger. He is someone who follows me round every single day, even to the toilet. He tells me what to do and how to feel. Lucas isn't alone though, there is also Seven. Seven is another one of my passengers. She doesn't come around as often as Lucas but believe me when she is around she likes to make it known.
Sometimes her and Lucas can have conversations amongst themselves about me, and talk about me like I’m not even in the room. They talk about every single thing I do, they laugh at me, get angry at me. Its like gaining two siblings you never wanted. There is no way out, no turning back. Some days I wake up and don’t even feel like my mind or body is my own. It’s very overwhelming. Always being on edge because your just anticipating your next panic attack, your next trip to the psych ward, the morning you wake up surround by faces you don’t know with wires covering your whole body and the only noises you can hear are those of the machine’s and people who are completely unfamiliar. Or maybe, just maybe the day you arise but when you turn around all you can see is yourself lying there, lifeless.
The feeling of having someone follow you 24/7 and give you a running commentary on your life is so physically and mentally exhausting.
I am The Glass Child and I have a Personality Psychosis Disorder.