My Broken Brain Has Its Own Schedule

Some days I find myself poring over my Google Calendar schedule. It defaults to the current month, and I’ll stare at it, trying to absorb what’s going to happen today, tomorrow, next week, and the week after that. My brain will attempt to anticipate and face without anxiety the events and tasks I have scheduled. And sometimes, my knocked noggin will freak out a little.

Why the obsession with upcoming occurrences? Well, I’m a Type C with an injured brain. I call myself a Type C, because I’m a Creative. That’s who I am, that’s what I do. For me, being a Creative with a brain injury means I juggle my career, my jobs, and my creative ventures every week. I rarely have a day when I’m not working at something…whether I’m reviewing case material prior to a hearing, helping women look their best in my fashion advisor role, formulating ideas and writing notes for a story I’m working on, or painting and designing for our side-hustle birdhouse biz.

I also volunteer for a city council advisory committee, and I attempt to lend a hand for a couple of other local not-for-profits that are close to my heart.

My brain isn’t suited for a full-time gig, and that benefits me most of the time. I rarely get bored and I’m always learning something new

But I do all of this with several brain injuries and PTSD. I love it all, but it’s a strain. And that takes me back to this morning’s poring over my Google Calendar.

One of the first things many people with brain injuries or post-concussion syndrome learn is that they need to take time-outs in order to keep from becoming overwhelmed. Until we realize that, it can seem like we’re hitting our heads against the wall (which is certainly not advised!) and we find our symptoms exacerbated.

For me, a 10-minute ‘conversation’ with my calendar can help me reveal potential flare-ups and brain battery depletion. That insight might make me think about rearranging items in my schedule to make it a little less stressful. And sometimes the short ‘tete-a-tete’ is more of a pep talk, where I can remind myself that there is enough scheduled break time after whatever event appears to be a monumental mountain climb.

I’m doing more 'hard scheduled' work these days; my adjudication caseload has been unusually packed over the past five months, and I’m at the boutique sometimes two or three days a week. I sometimes have only one day during the week when there’s nothing on my 'hard schedule'.

This past week, for example, I listened to detailed expert testimony for two days, nine hours each day. Really freaking fascinating, but at the end of those days I was beat. When I'm on a case, I aim for cat naps during short adjournments and ensure I drink lots of water; I’m always alert during hearings, but wow, absorbing new information uses up brain battery, right?

Then there are the peripheral items…committee meetings, academic stuff (I’m currently taking the Pollinator Partnership steward certification—again, super informative!) …but I must steel myself for after-workday work. Eating a low-carb snack or meal between two events can make the learning more cognitively palatable. However, there are also times when I miss evening meetings because my brain is just too exhausted.

One thing I’ve learned the hard way: I don’t need to do everything just because other people think I’m good at it. I’ve chaired a $6 million not-for-profit, been on numerous charity boards and committees, and sometimes to my detriment I’m quick to volunteer to take on too much, because people know I can. I see a need, and I’m ready to help. But more and more, I’m only accepting ad-hoc volunteering, because it’s unfair to me (and to the organization) if I can’t be cognitively and passionately ‘available’.

For me, charity and volunteer work are very slippery slopes. I am learning to hold fast to my boundaries, because I, too, know I’m good at making things work and I’m vulnerable to biting off more work than I can chew. Many organizations will discover your talents and get you to take on more and more. That’s lovely, if you can do it. I can’t. I have to say no.

Let’s face it, my brain tires faster than others with healthy brains. When I peruse my schedule, I’m attempting to keep my brain and myself as healthy and charged as possible. A better me allows me to be a better Type C.

I can’t possibly dismiss the true Type C Creative work…which sometimes does get booted to the curb, although it’s more therapeutic than the other things I do. Creating—whether it’s writing or concept and design—feeds my brain and my soul. I consider putting the ‘C’ work first, and then I remember I have bills to pay.

When I scan through my schedule, I look for empty space that I can comfortably set aside for Type C time. It might be a few morning hours, where I tippy-type on my laptop while I’m propped up with pillows in bed, or it could be a day when I can escape to a beach to search for stones and driftwood. And on those empty days, I often just need an old-fashioned afternoon nap. I don’t know anyone who loves naps more than I do, and I don’t feel guilty about taking them.

Schedules are necessary, but we need to leave space in them, moments where we can do the things that enrich us and help us heal. We need to create time to heal the neurons, to let our brains rest. To be in the now and love how far we have come.

Today is Saturday; it’s a blessedly empty day. I’m going to close my Google Calendar and observe my cat. He is sitting in the open bedroom window, his little black head bobbing towards the birds in the hedge; he’s sniffing the freshness of early-spring air.

That cat, he's noticing everything around him. And when he's tired or overstimulated by all the smells and feels, he'll take a nap. Huh. I think he just might be onto something.