Moving and Transitioning During COVID

The pandemic (pandemonium, panini press - whatever euphemism you might be using lately to relate to this period with a bit of lightness) has asked so much of each of us, made many concessions to the lives we used to know, and has not yet shown a sign of disappearing entirely anytime soon. As an Acceptance and Commitment (ACT) based clinician, I am in the business of quality enhancement and working to choose valued action despite the discomfort we face in our lives.

At the start of the pandemic, I was faced with some tough decisions regarding working remotely while doing confidential client work. Everyone was compelled to be in their homes, and I was no exception. Leaving my in-person work for teletherapy, I felt compelled to give my clients the continuity of care that they deserve while also maintaining my own quality of life.

Initially at the time of national lockdown, I was living in a small 1 bedroom (basically a studio) apartment. It was a great apartment for me, since I am but one small person with few needs. However, I did not choose my apartment thinking it would also become a therapy session space. Suddenly the space was not big enough to host myself and my clients’ concerns while maintaining boundaries for myself. The temporary solution: I took a chance, moved in with my partner and his 80-something year-old grandmother, and I utilized a bedroom in the house for an office for over a year and a half. We all looked out for each other while riding waves of the pandemic until reaching a greater feeling of stability where we could recommit to our other values.

As things have settled into this new vaccinated and boosted phase, and with grandma in a good space of being for herself, we decided to move back into Baltimore, as this was always an important goal of ours. I immediately felt refreshed, revived, and reconnected with the community I had lived in for almost ten years prior to the pandemic. I noticed, however, that settling back in takes some adjusting, even if this is my old neighborhood. During this re-acclimation period to Baltimore and moving while doing my clinical work, here are some lessons I have gathered and thought might be worth reiterating.

PLEASE NOTE: WHILE THESE ARE ANECDOTES I’VE DRAWN FROM THE MOVING PROCESS SPECIFICALLY, MANY OF THE PRINCIPALS I SHARE ARE APPLICABLE FOR MANY TYPES OF LIFE TRANSITIONS.

Lessons I Learned While Moving During the Pandemic:

OPERATE FROM A STANDARD OF GRACE OVER PERFECTION

There are plenty of metrics that we hold for ourselves and others as we make judgments about the quality of our lives. Especially during a time of transition, I have to remember to hold myself to a standard of grace over perfection. What does this mean? Well, having grace as the standard means there is room for flexibility and pivot points when things feel lesser than, not enough, or imperfect. When perfection is the standard, we are quick to feelings of disappointment, since we are not meeting the mark set as the measure of achievement. As I look around my home, a couple weeks in, and still gathering boxes from the recesses of attics, I am reminded of this important encourager for self-compassion. There is a standard of what I will ideally want for this space: pictures hung, a place for everything that is structured and predictable, I give myself grace to take my time in order to get to that feeling, and in doing so am kinder to myself along the way.

PRIORITIZE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU

We only have so many spoons, so much time, so much bandwidth--there’s simply a limit to how much we can put into a task or a day without negative consequences like burnout, undo fatigue, or maladaptive stress. Having a standard of grace can look like prioritizing what is more important and then working to let the rest go for now.

When you move into a new home, there are lots of expenses, big and small. Prioritizing important purchases is also like prioritizing values of importance. I might choose to settle my kitchen items first, put all my dishes away, and buy some groceries for a balanced meal, before considering buying decorative items and less practical items. This is because I value stability of my morning routines like making coffee, and having home-cooked meals, among other things. In doing so, I am letting go of judgment that is not serving me, like “There are not many artworks hung on the wall yet,” and instead noticing how I am connecting with my values by having my food habits down at the start. Of course, this will look different for each person, as we all have our own set of unique values and what is most important will vary depending on context.

ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO ADJUST TO NEW ROUTINES

Even on a mechanical level, our bodies get used to routines. Have you ever gone to drive someone else’s car? You have to arrange all the mirrors and seat just right, and then even still, your hands might reach for the blinker and miss, or not know where the wipers are. When you move to a new home, your body is learning how to exist in a new space, and so is your mind and the rest of you. Even the same routines we have will shift, since where we keep our toothbrush or place our car keys might have moved. You might find that you don’t have a place for everything, and it can feel frustrating that you don’t feel fully settled or “there” yet. Give yourself time to adjust, knowing that you are continuing to put action towards the feeling of settled-in.

MOVING IS A GREAT TIME TO PRACTICE LETTING GO OF

OLD THOUGHT PATTERNS, HABITS, & ITEMS

While moving items, you get to ask yourself how you relate to it. Do I touch this old catcher’s mitt as often as I think I do? Could I give it to someone else who might benefit from something I am no longer using? Are there thoughts that are like these old familiar items, no longer important yet still present? If you can let go of old photos, old concert ticket stubs, old torn clothing and toys, you can also consider letting go of old grudges, old frustrations, old feelings that are no longer serving your values. Can you just imagine, even if for a moment, what that might feel like?

LETTING GO OF OLD ATTACHMENTS AND FOCUS ON CREATING NEW ONES

Granted, it is okay to have attachments, and to want to have things of interest as you are moving and settling. If you choose to bring on old items of lesser value, how can you relate to it a new way? Maybe that old trophy case becomes a garden in your new backyard, giving it new purpose while paying respect to your athlete days. If you keep the books you have already read, maybe consider re-reading them with renewed perspective, looking for new lessons to glean. Our items and belongings can serve as reminders for how we relate to others, our thoughts, and our emotions, and those relationships can be shifted with effort over time.

TRADITIONS CAN BE FLEXIBLE AND UPDATED

(AND STILL HONOR OLD TRADITIONS!)

I moved into this house right before the holiday season. With no decorations collected over the years, and other expenses like milk and bread taking priority over Christmas trees and garlands, my partner and I decided to honor our traditions of decorating while maintaining flexibility around finances.

We took a houseplant and wrapped it in lights and garland, hung a gifted ornament or two on there, and called it a day. When asked about our Christmas tree, I laugh to myself knowing this wilting palm tree is our first tree in our new home. Next year, I will reconsider my arboreal options, but honoring the tradition of decorating in a flexible way pleased me and didn’t add unnecessary burdens to our moving process. Remembering that an open mind is more capable of expanding to adjust to change than a closed mind, I work to notice when obstacles come up and open myself up to creative problem solving with a breath of acceptance along the way.

SPEAKING OF ACCEPTANCE… IT IS OKAY TO MISS OLD SPACES, WAYS, AND MEMORIES.

The trick is to find ways to honor those old experiences, people, items donated or lost in the move, as they arise without creating unwanted or additional suffering. When we judge ourselves as foolish for feeling, or feeling bad for feeling bad, we add judgment to our pain, which increases our suffering. Noticing feelings of longing, like a kid who misses their old school, doesn’t mean we have to push them away or change them. We can notice them, pay respect to them, while still committing to doing what we can to making the new space feel like Home.

COMPARE YOU TO YOU OVER LARGER PERIODS OF TIME THAN DAY-BY-DAY.

Consider month-to-month You or quarter-to-quarter You. Part of operating with grace means seeing yourself over a greater period of time. If I compare my kitchen on Day 1 with Day 2, there might be little to no progress. Then, I might judge myself and consequently feel bad. If I compare Day 1 to Day 90, on the other hand, I might find myself more proud of my accomplishments since the data is more compelling for the mind, and the feelings of success will be more profound. Building positive momentum in this way might help enhance feelings of gratitude and increase the quality of the journey while moving.

SMART GOALS FOR PACKING/UNPACKING + SETTLING IN:

With ANY goal we set, we want it to be a SMART one. A simple acronym I use in both clinical and personal goal-setting to help create positive momentum around behavior: Consider the goal: unpack and settle into the new house…

Specific: Does the goal say something particular? Move things from my storage unit into my house (instead of “move my stuff”)

Measurable: Empty the first storage unit this week, then empty the second one next week. Move the three book boxes to the office closer to the bookshelf to be easier to unpack.

Attainable: When a goal is attainable, we are setting ourselves up for success. It is unattainable for me to, I don’t know, move the same day as I do my therapy. I will have to take time off in order for the moving process to feel attainable.

Realistic: When my goal is realistic, I am able to accomplish it readily. It is realistic for me to move the clothes into the closet as they come out of the boxes. Maybe it is unrealistic for me to expect to sort all the clothes as well in the same day.

Time-bound: I might really want to unpack all the boxes in the room, but setting that goal might be less reasonable than asking to do a box a day.