More Than a Break

I have depression. Most people do these days, but I was diagnosed when I was a kid with depression, anxiety, ADHD, and ADD. Now, this means that I’m overwhelmed on a constant basis. I forget to eat, I forget to sleep, I forget what I was just thinking about 5 seconds ago because it’s noise. Constant noise. It never slows, it never stops, sometimes my thoughts seem to race so face it sounds like static in my head and I give myself a panic attack. It’s not a fun life to live, but I’ve lived it long enough and made the choices I made to lead me to my daughter. She’s beautiful; her hair the color of sun rays, her eyes the hue of the ocean... this curious dark olivey skin with cute little freckles that somehow she was born with while I remain pale and translucent and burn by the light of the moon.

Ever since I’ve had my daughter, I’ve very much enjoyed baths. My mom encouraged a good hot soak when I was overwhelmed, and I utilized the tub quite often. A stressful day? Bath. Angry? Bath. Sad? Bath. Happy? Bath. It was my happy place where it was warm and took the weight off my bones. I’d be left alone to myself for 20 minutes or so and just fiddle with my phone or listen to music. Everyone likes a good soak right?

Well, today I noticed something... see, my depression doesn’t lead me to want to die. I don’t want to die. I like my life, I love my daughter, I love my family and friends. I want to live, But I’m being held back by my own mind. I don’t want it to end, I just want a break.

I took a bath today after painting my apartment, I was sore and it sounded nice. When I went to wet my hair, it hit me... with my ears under the water, the muted sounds, the quiet bathroom in an empty house. What if I just sunk in? No need for oxygen or lungs, no need to breathe. Don’t need food or water to live. Just floating in an abyss; like floating in space. Completely weightless and suspended all alone, watching the stars fall. The world just stops turning. Everyone stops moving, the noise stops, time stops. Everything is on pause, for as long as you want it to be, and when you’re relaxed and ready to rejoin the world, everything started back up with you in it as if nothing had happened at all.

You didn’t lose your job for not showing up, nobody was wondering where you were, you aren’t hungry or thirsty... because no one knows you were gone. You got to take that time to yourself, and just came back when you were ready, with no consequences. That’s what I want. I don’t want to die, I don’t want my life to end or upset anyone who might miss me. I don’t want my daughter growing up parentless because I couldn’t handle life. I could never take my own life or wish my own death. Because I don’t want to die. I long for that space-like abyss where the world is on pause and resumes when I feel like it. I long for that relaxing break with no consequences for being gone. That muted silence and dim lights so my tired mind can rest. To dip into nothingness, and then come back as if nothing had changed. I’m simply a happier more sound person than I was before.